Best Menu Item at McDonalds?

Lowbrow Answer: The Big Mac
A Big Mac sounds like an 18-wheeler freight truck, which makes sense, because that's what it feels like coming out the other end. Why would I order a sandwich that insists on holding a fight club in my lower intestine every time I eat it?

And I don't care how many catchy jingles you write, I'll never trust the "special" sauce. Why is Fast Food the only place in our lives where they can offer us special sauce and we accept it without question. If some dude came up to me in a bar or a gas station or an elementary school and offered me "special sauce," I'd think he was about to date-rape me.


Middlebrow Answer: The Premium Caesar Salad
I'm sure these are healthier for you than the rest of the menu. Not because they're actually nutritious, but because even a Blow Pop is healthier than the grease-soaked meat product vagaries on the rest of the menu.

But come on, ordering a salad at McDonald's is like paying a prostitute to play checkers with you. You can do it, but it seems silly.


Highbrow Answer: The Filet-O-Fish
Now this is class. None of that "cow" or "chicken" product here. Just pure Ocean-bred Alaskan Pollock. It's Hindu-friendly, it's Muslim-friendly if you observe Halal, and it's Lent-friendly for those Christians on the go. It's basically the sandwich version of global religious harmony.

And how about that tartar sauce? That shit is incredible. They should just call it "Happy Paste." Chopped pickles, capers, onions, chives, and fresh parsley in a mayonnaise and horseradish sauce? Where am I, Top Chef? The name comes from the Tatars, a Turkic people who live primarily in Russia. I'm sorry, the history of Tartar sauce involves "Turkic peoples?" High. Fucking. Brow.