Best Male X-Man?

Lowbrow Answer: Cyclops
God, this dude is annoying. He's that Eagle Scout who'll never let you forget that he's an Eagle Scout. Blow me, Scott Summers. And have you seen his outfits when he's not in uniform? It's always a polo shirt and khakis. What are you, a sixteen-year-old boarding school student in dress code?

And sorry, but Jean Grey? Really? With all the other hot female mutants in skin-tight costumes out there, you chose Jean Grey? You could be floating above the earth, having sex inside a tornado with Storm, but instead you're at home watching CNN with the red-haired, boring chick who always has a headache.


Middlebrow Answer: Wolverine
He heals too fast for you to kill him, his skeleton is covered in indestructible metal, and he has claws in his hands. Plus he's always smoking a cigar and talking shit to the bad guys. He's the mutant Terrell Owens: unreliable and kinda problematic, but super talented and hard to ignore.

The problem with Wolverine is that he's too pouty. Boo hoo, Jean Gray doesn't like me. Wah, I can't remember my past. Get over it, you pussy. We have bad guys to demolish. Stop whining about who your parents may have been and come cut this dude's head off.


Highbrow Answer: Cable
Ever heard of this guy? Didn't think so. He's a future mutant who shows up in later versions of the X-Men series and he's totally badass. He's been infected with a Techno-Organism, which basically turns half his body into a robot and gives him enhanced abilities like perfect aim and time-travel. If only real-world diseases gave you special powers. Then I wouldn't be working so hard to get rid of this Lupus.

The best thing about Cable is that he doesn't give a shit about anyone. He's more of a dick than even Wolverine is. He jumps through time, killing bad guys at will and then disappearing again as he pleases. His biggest adventure is something called The Messiah Complex, wherein he must protect a super-mutant child from galactic douchebags. I wish I were a super-mutant child. Then maybe Cable would finally return my phone calls.