Best Way to See Porn?

Lowbrow Answer: Download it Online
This is so boring. Where's the thrill? Downloading porn is like taking candy from a baby when there's nobody around to stop you; it's too easy. Everyone knows that a stolen lollipop tastes better when you steal it from under the nose of a watchful mother, not when you find it on the ground.

The other problem with downloading porn is that you only ever get clips. How am I supposed to know what happens to the horny plumber and the slutty housewife if all I get of the story is them humping on a washing machine? What about her husband? Will she leave her children? Will the plumber finally finish his night school classes and get his degree in Anal Fuckology?


Middlebrow Answer: Buy it from a Store
I like the idea of having the "Cum Dumpster 7" DVD on your shelf right next to "Rush Hour 2" and "The Usual Suspects." Buying porn is bold. It shows you have some knowledge of the genre, given you're willing to own certain titles permanently: "Yes, I do enjoy Peter North's early work, but I feel that his teabagging has lost its luster in recent years."

The problem here is the act of buying the DVD itself is sometimes a bit strange. You're standing in line at the adult video store across from the airport, an overweight, sweaty dude is in front of you, and he's carrying the entire "Ass Spelunking: The Cave of Wonders" series, and you have a slight erection from the video screens in the store that are playing footage of two blond lesbians rimming each other. Not exactly an upper-class experience, methinks.


Highbrow Answer: Go to a Theater
Does anybody even do this anymore? There's a theater in Los Angeles that I drive by all the time, but I've never seen anybody going in or coming out. Maybe the showings are all at midnight. Or even better, maybe they're all at 11.30 in the morning when everyone's at work. Only then do the upper elite porn socialites come out in their ball gowns and tuxedos for a screening of "The Pretty Titty Committee." Classy.

Watching porn in a theater is so intense. You get some Milk Duds and a Sprite on the way in and you sit down and watch people fuck each other for 2 hours with no pause button and no privacy. Sound kinda weird and not very much fun? That's exactly why it's highbrow.