Best Flightless Bird?

Lowbrow Answer: Turkeys
Was somebody making a joke when these things were invented? Huge fat body, little tiny bald head, and a goatee made of skin. Consequently, I'm pretty sure "Skin Goatee" is the name of Jenna Jameson's latest project. The turkey did get a bit unlucky with the whole Thanksgiving thing. Imagine if there were a holiday that was basically dedicated to eating you. Probably sends your life insurance premium through the roof.

And what's with the gobble? It sounds like somebody trying to play a trumpet underwater. Of all the scary animal noises in the world, from growls to roars, the turkey gets the gobble? That's some genetic misfortune if I've ever seen it. Kinda like being born with only one eye or having Paris Hilton as a sister.


Middlebrow Answer: Penguins
Instant points for always wearing a tuxedo and for hanging out in an environment that can get as cold as 1800 degrees below zero or some crazy shit. I admire your class in the face of certain death. Reminds me of death row inmates who insist on brushing their teeth and combing the hair for their big day.

Here's the bad news, fellas. You all look like butlers. Or limo drivers. Or waiters, depending on the restaurant. You also spend most of your time sliding around on your belly and swimming, which basically means you spend all day in a water park. Highbrow people spend all day lamenting the fall of humanism, not plunging down The Geronimo at Surf Coaster.


Highbrow Answer: Silkies
Look at this thing. Have you ever seen a more arrogant-looking animal in your life? I want to beat it up right now and I've never even met one. Its feathers are soft and silky (hence the name), it has blue earlobes, and it's one of the only birds in the chicken family with five toes instead of only four. I can just see it strutting around the forest, mocking the other animals by waving its five fingers and reciting Proust.

The silkie was first discovered by Marco Polo, who wrote about "chickens with fur-like plumage" during his travels in the 13th century. Badass. Being in Marco Polo' s journals is kind of like being in the Bible. Middle school-age children will be forced to read about you for the rest of time.

Best Way to See Porn?

Lowbrow Answer: Download it Online
This is so boring. Where's the thrill? Downloading porn is like taking candy from a baby when there's nobody around to stop you; it's too easy. Everyone knows that a stolen lollipop tastes better when you steal it from under the nose of a watchful mother, not when you find it on the ground.

The other problem with downloading porn is that you only ever get clips. How am I supposed to know what happens to the horny plumber and the slutty housewife if all I get of the story is them humping on a washing machine? What about her husband? Will she leave her children? Will the plumber finally finish his night school classes and get his degree in Anal Fuckology?


Middlebrow Answer: Buy it from a Store
I like the idea of having the "Cum Dumpster 7" DVD on your shelf right next to "Rush Hour 2" and "The Usual Suspects." Buying porn is bold. It shows you have some knowledge of the genre, given you're willing to own certain titles permanently: "Yes, I do enjoy Peter North's early work, but I feel that his teabagging has lost its luster in recent years."

The problem here is the act of buying the DVD itself is sometimes a bit strange. You're standing in line at the adult video store across from the airport, an overweight, sweaty dude is in front of you, and he's carrying the entire "Ass Spelunking: The Cave of Wonders" series, and you have a slight erection from the video screens in the store that are playing footage of two blond lesbians rimming each other. Not exactly an upper-class experience, methinks.


Highbrow Answer: Go to a Theater
Does anybody even do this anymore? There's a theater in Los Angeles that I drive by all the time, but I've never seen anybody going in or coming out. Maybe the showings are all at midnight. Or even better, maybe they're all at 11.30 in the morning when everyone's at work. Only then do the upper elite porn socialites come out in their ball gowns and tuxedos for a screening of "The Pretty Titty Committee." Classy.

Watching porn in a theater is so intense. You get some Milk Duds and a Sprite on the way in and you sit down and watch people fuck each other for 2 hours with no pause button and no privacy. Sound kinda weird and not very much fun? That's exactly why it's highbrow.