Best Flightless Bird?

Lowbrow Answer: Turkeys
Was somebody making a joke when these things were invented? Huge fat body, little tiny bald head, and a goatee made of skin. Consequently, I'm pretty sure "Skin Goatee" is the name of Jenna Jameson's latest project. The turkey did get a bit unlucky with the whole Thanksgiving thing. Imagine if there were a holiday that was basically dedicated to eating you. Probably sends your life insurance premium through the roof.

And what's with the gobble? It sounds like somebody trying to play a trumpet underwater. Of all the scary animal noises in the world, from growls to roars, the turkey gets the gobble? That's some genetic misfortune if I've ever seen it. Kinda like being born with only one eye or having Paris Hilton as a sister.


Middlebrow Answer: Penguins
Instant points for always wearing a tuxedo and for hanging out in an environment that can get as cold as 1800 degrees below zero or some crazy shit. I admire your class in the face of certain death. Reminds me of death row inmates who insist on brushing their teeth and combing the hair for their big day.

Here's the bad news, fellas. You all look like butlers. Or limo drivers. Or waiters, depending on the restaurant. You also spend most of your time sliding around on your belly and swimming, which basically means you spend all day in a water park. Highbrow people spend all day lamenting the fall of humanism, not plunging down The Geronimo at Surf Coaster.


Highbrow Answer: Silkies
Look at this thing. Have you ever seen a more arrogant-looking animal in your life? I want to beat it up right now and I've never even met one. Its feathers are soft and silky (hence the name), it has blue earlobes, and it's one of the only birds in the chicken family with five toes instead of only four. I can just see it strutting around the forest, mocking the other animals by waving its five fingers and reciting Proust.

The silkie was first discovered by Marco Polo, who wrote about "chickens with fur-like plumage" during his travels in the 13th century. Badass. Being in Marco Polo' s journals is kind of like being in the Bible. Middle school-age children will be forced to read about you for the rest of time.