Best Pet?

Lowbrow Answer: A Dog
Owning a dog is like having a child that never gets older than two. Newsflash: two-year-old children suck ass. They run into stuff, they poop in your yard, and they can't be left alone. I don't get it. Is having a golden retriever bring you back a tennis ball every time you throw it really that rewarding? If I threw a tennis ball and he brought me back a 17th century oil painting, then maybe I'd be impressed.

I'm also not down with the whole eternal optimism thing. You come home, the dog is happy. You turn on the TV, the dog is happy. Your father's face melts off in a horrible mining accident, the dog is happy. Sorry pooch, but the world is not full of smiles and rainbows and ice cream. It's full of suffering and disease and circus clowns with AK47's. Have the sense to be depressed once in a while. Dumb dog.


Middlebrow Answer: A Box Turtle
Reptiles rule. You don't think so? I'm sorry, are your ancestors dinosaurs? Is anyone on your family tree three stories tall with jaws that could crush a Buick? I didn't think so. These guys are low maintenance, they look pretty, and they spend most of their time chilling in the sun. Man, that actually sounds pretty good. I should start dating a Box Turtle.

Box Turtles are, however, a little wimpy. If shit goes bad, they just hide in their shell and hope it all works out? Fuck that. I want a pet that will fight for my honor when bullies call me names, not one that will retreat inside his shell while I get wedgied and noogied by the lacrosse team. Grow a pair, Box Turtle.


Highbrow Answer: A Slow Loris
This, my friends, is a pet. You can only really get them in Southeast Asia, so pack your bags for Jakarta. They're pre-evolutionary chimpanzees that hang out in trees and slowly eat oranges. And their defense mechanism is something called Dynamic Locomotion, which is when they move with the same pace and rhythm as the leaves around them to blend in and go unseen by predators. So, basically, they're Mini Monkey Ninjas. I want one. Or twelve.

They're also endangered, which makes having one illegal in most places. But having a pet Loris is like owning artifacts that were plundered from The Pyramids: you shouldn't really have it, but it's kinda cool that you do.