Best Bodily Fluid?

Lowbrow Answer: Throw-Up
I'm sorry, but I'm not calling it "vomit." Just hearing it called that makes me want to throw up. There are three times in people's lives when this stuff comes up: when you're drunk, when you're sick, and when you're Bulimic. So let me address each.

Drunk: What are you, a freshman at Florida State? If you can't keep it down, then don't drink. Frat boy jerk-off.

Sick: Toughen up, you pussy. Maybe if you stop using all that hypo-antibacterial soap and avoiding anything with dirt on it then you'd get sick less often and you wouldn't be such a wuss.

Bulimic: Get over yourself, sweetheart. We like you because you're interesting and smart and funny, not because you're thin. Stop fleeing to the bathroom every time you eat. You're great just the way you are. Dumbass.


Middlebrow Answer: Semen
It is the juice that carries all life. The bringer of future generations. To coax it out, you must engage in passionate love-making, clutching at the panting body of your partner while clinging to waves of pure ecstasy. I have an emotional erection just thinking about it.

Or it's just cum. Splooge. Cupid's toothpaste. Chunky homestyle man chowder. And you can get some just by polishing the old dolphin. Semen is the most versatile liquid on earth. You can create a human life with it or you can shoot it onto the curtain of your dorm room. Either way, it's pretty fun making it.


Highbrow Answer: Gastric Acid
It's amazing to think that there's a liquid in your body that's strong enough to melt things. It's only one pH level below battery acid. Badass. If only I could scoop some out and put it into a spray bottle, I could finally get rid of that annoying cat next door.

I wish other things in your body were as dangerous. Imagine if your heart were actually a rabid mini-wolverine that popped out at villains if you were ever in trouble. Or if your blood could cause a special kind of Anthrax that only affected bad guys. I should sell that idea to Marvel. They could add Bloodthrax to the X-Men.