Best Summer Olympic Sport That's No Longer Played?

Lowbrow Answer: Tug of War (contested 1900-1920)
Really? This is the Olympics, guys, not recess at a kindergarten. How do you expect anyone to take these games seriously if next to the tennis matches there is a large group of men playing Tug of War. That's like trying to take the SATs while a drunk circus clown juggles saline breast implants at the front of the room.

And where did they get the athletes for this? Open tryouts? It's not like there are any professional leagues from which to pull team members. I'd like to think they put ads in the newspapers and just hired the first seven guys through the door that weighed more than 200 pounds. "Here's your ticket to Stockholm, bring us back the gold!"


Middlebrow Answer: Roque (contested 1904)
While this sounds like the name of about nine different Brazilian soccer players, it's actually a version of croquet that's played on a hard, smooth surface. Athletes wear slacks and collared shirts and there is no time limit. Classy. Any game that allows for tea breaks instantly rises above the proletariat.

Of course, this was only contested once and the only competitors were four Americans. Lame. No wonder our medal count was so high that year. Hey, I have an idea. Let's make "Run-around-my-roommate-Dave's-room-like-idiots-playing-laundry-polo-with-t-shirts-and-a-mini-soccer-ball" an Olympic sport. My friend Tommy and I will be the only two participants and the US will be guaranteed another gold medal. Awesome.


Highbrow Answer: Basque Pelota (contested 1900)
Tennis and squash are for pussies. Fuck rackets, let's use our hands. And let's have the ball be made of thick, hard rubber. I feel like this sport, which is still played today in Spain's northern regions, started as a joke and then people began taking it seriously. Kind of like Queen Latifah's acting career.

The best thing about Basque Pelota is that everybody who plays it has a seriously intense name. The champion in 1900 was José de Amézola y Aspizúa. Current top players include Oinatz Bengoetxea, Kepa Peñagarikano, and Inaxio Errandonea. Just imagine if NBA players had those names. I can just picture Marv Albert screaming, "Bengoetxea for three!" Then maybe I'd watch basketball.