Best Place to Keep your Money?

Lowbrow Answer: In a Wallet
This may surprise you, but I have no desire to sit on an awkwardly shaped and uncomfortable stack of my own credit cards and money all day long. I already have to lug this massive cock around, do I really need another thick leathery thing weighing me down?

At best, your wallet is a clearing house for useless shit you don't need. There are more expired condoms, pictures of your obnoxious nieces, and old movie tickets for "X-Men 2" than there is usable currency. Do yourself a favor and ditch it. Your nieces are ugly anyway, you shouldn't be showing those pictures to anybody.


Middlebrow Answer: In a Money Clip
It's sleek, it's metal, and it hides in your pocket. It sounds like some sort of futuristic vibrator. It's also only meant for money and credit cards. None of this extra bullshit, just the bare necessities. It's every man's fantasy: sex without the foreplay.

Of course, most people who use these have some sort of engraving on them like their name or the crest of their school. So as if I didn't already know you were a douchebag for going to Yale, now you have to prove it by putting the Bulldog on the thing that holds your money and your parent's credit card. You should just cut to the chase and put a bumper sticker on your car that says: "Avoid me, I'm a dickface."


Highbrow Answer: In your Majordomo's pocket
You think when Wagner went to an ice cream stand he pulled out a few Francs and paid for it himself? Fuck no. His Majordomo took care of that shit. You know how many grubby proletariat hands have been on a ten dollar bill? I want to throw up just thinking about it.

What ever happened to these guys, anyway? They're hardcore. It's like having a bodyguard who has a Ph.D. from the Sorbonne and speaks more eloquently than you do. I can't wait until my book about Obstructionist Poetry in 13th Century Mongol Europe is published and I can afford a Majordomo of my own. I'm going to name him "Fenwick."