Best American Coin?

Lowbrow Answer: The Penny
Are we serious about these? Were we ever? Pennies belong in the bin marked "stuff America is better without" along with slavery, the Salem witch trials, evangelical Christians, the Republican party, and Michael Jackson. (Too soon? Come on, he'd been a mockery of himself for 15 years) Using pennies is like handing out single bullets to soldiers who are about to march into battle. Doesn't make too much sense.

And what's with the unique color? Why are we trying to make pennies stand out? You can't even use them in parking meters. Lincoln is a legend to be sure, but you don't put the fat kid in the front of the class picture. You hide him in the back where he can stuff chocolate into his face without fear of ruining the shot.


Middlebrow Answer: The Quarter
Okay, so they're totally useful and a nice manageable size. Plus, George Washington is kind of the man. I know he's got that goody-two-shoes reputation after the whole "I shall not tell a lie" incident, but you've got to hand it to the guy. He's basically the William Wallace of the U.S., only without the Scottish accent and the smoking hot French princess girlfriend.

But is anybody else tired of these state coins? I'm doing my best each and every day to forget the fact that Texas, Arkansas, Georgia, and Alabama are part of this country. I don't need reminding every time I get change at Burger King.


Highbrow Answer: The Susan B. Anthony Dollar
Plop one of these bad boys on the counter at Starbucks and see the reaction you get. I bet half the proles in the place will think you're Norwegian. The design of the coin itself is money (get it?). The front has a hendecagon-shaped edge running around the inside of the circle while the reverse is the Apollo 11 moon landing. Nothing like having two things that only geniuses know how to accomplish on a coin: travel in space and identify a hendecagon.

Let's not forget what a legend Susan B. Anthony was either. She's more or less directly responsible for women's rights in this country. Like, ALL women's rights. She's the first woman to be on a coin, was friends with Frederick Douglas, and was once arrested for voting illegally. So, let's do a quick comparison:

Susan: arrested once, friends with Frederick Douglas, on a coin = AWESOME
You: pulled over once for a broken headlight in your Prius, friends with dumb frat boys from college, not on a coin = LAME

Best Place to Keep your Money?

Lowbrow Answer: In a Wallet
This may surprise you, but I have no desire to sit on an awkwardly shaped and uncomfortable stack of my own credit cards and money all day long. I already have to lug this massive cock around, do I really need another thick leathery thing weighing me down?

At best, your wallet is a clearing house for useless shit you don't need. There are more expired condoms, pictures of your obnoxious nieces, and old movie tickets for "X-Men 2" than there is usable currency. Do yourself a favor and ditch it. Your nieces are ugly anyway, you shouldn't be showing those pictures to anybody.


Middlebrow Answer: In a Money Clip
It's sleek, it's metal, and it hides in your pocket. It sounds like some sort of futuristic vibrator. It's also only meant for money and credit cards. None of this extra bullshit, just the bare necessities. It's every man's fantasy: sex without the foreplay.

Of course, most people who use these have some sort of engraving on them like their name or the crest of their school. So as if I didn't already know you were a douchebag for going to Yale, now you have to prove it by putting the Bulldog on the thing that holds your money and your parent's credit card. You should just cut to the chase and put a bumper sticker on your car that says: "Avoid me, I'm a dickface."


Highbrow Answer: In your Majordomo's pocket
You think when Wagner went to an ice cream stand he pulled out a few Francs and paid for it himself? Fuck no. His Majordomo took care of that shit. You know how many grubby proletariat hands have been on a ten dollar bill? I want to throw up just thinking about it.

What ever happened to these guys, anyway? They're hardcore. It's like having a bodyguard who has a Ph.D. from the Sorbonne and speaks more eloquently than you do. I can't wait until my book about Obstructionist Poetry in 13th Century Mongol Europe is published and I can afford a Majordomo of my own. I'm going to name him "Fenwick."