Best American Coin?

Lowbrow Answer: The Penny
Are we serious about these? Were we ever? Pennies belong in the bin marked "stuff America is better without" along with slavery, the Salem witch trials, evangelical Christians, the Republican party, and Michael Jackson. (Too soon? Come on, he'd been a mockery of himself for 15 years) Using pennies is like handing out single bullets to soldiers who are about to march into battle. Doesn't make too much sense.

And what's with the unique color? Why are we trying to make pennies stand out? You can't even use them in parking meters. Lincoln is a legend to be sure, but you don't put the fat kid in the front of the class picture. You hide him in the back where he can stuff chocolate into his face without fear of ruining the shot.


Middlebrow Answer: The Quarter
Okay, so they're totally useful and a nice manageable size. Plus, George Washington is kind of the man. I know he's got that goody-two-shoes reputation after the whole "I shall not tell a lie" incident, but you've got to hand it to the guy. He's basically the William Wallace of the U.S., only without the Scottish accent and the smoking hot French princess girlfriend.

But is anybody else tired of these state coins? I'm doing my best each and every day to forget the fact that Texas, Arkansas, Georgia, and Alabama are part of this country. I don't need reminding every time I get change at Burger King.


Highbrow Answer: The Susan B. Anthony Dollar
Plop one of these bad boys on the counter at Starbucks and see the reaction you get. I bet half the proles in the place will think you're Norwegian. The design of the coin itself is money (get it?). The front has a hendecagon-shaped edge running around the inside of the circle while the reverse is the Apollo 11 moon landing. Nothing like having two things that only geniuses know how to accomplish on a coin: travel in space and identify a hendecagon.

Let's not forget what a legend Susan B. Anthony was either. She's more or less directly responsible for women's rights in this country. Like, ALL women's rights. She's the first woman to be on a coin, was friends with Frederick Douglas, and was once arrested for voting illegally. So, let's do a quick comparison:

Susan: arrested once, friends with Frederick Douglas, on a coin = AWESOME
You: pulled over once for a broken headlight in your Prius, friends with dumb frat boys from college, not on a coin = LAME