Best Soda?

Lowbrow Answer: Mountain Dew
I try to avoid ingesting anything whose color does not occur in nature. Although, on second thought, I think large portions of Chernobyl were neon green after the meltdown, so I guess the color of Mountain Drew isn't entirely fabricated.

I love that the marketing strategy for this stuff is four morons doing extreme sports and then telling you to "Do the Dew." "Do the Dew" sounds like something a liquid ecstasy-peddling drug dealer would advise, and do I really want to drink something that's going to make me more like the spikey-haired Arizona State dropout that's standing alone on a plateau wielding an orange mountain bike? How the hell did he get up there in the first place?


Middlebrow Answer: A&W Root Beer
Started in 1919, this root beer was originally the "house wine" of the A&W restaurant chain. It was made by hand and served on tap. Getting root beer on tap is one of those things you dream about when you're an eight-year-old kid, along with chewing 100 pieces of bubblegum at once and watching an angry dinosaur eat your school.

While it's tasty indeed, this shit is peddled by The Great Root Bear. Sorry, but anytime you humanize an animal to sell your product, you're going to lose points. What species of bear is it anyway that wears an orange sweater and cap, and is always carrying a mug of root bear? I feel like he wouldn't survive very long in Northern Alaska. Although, he's probably always warm and rarely thirsty.


Highbrow Answer: Moxie
This shit is disgusting. It's basically carbonated motor oil. Created in 1884, it's older than Coke or Pepsi and is the grandfather of all carbonated beverages. And like most highbrow things in this country, you can only really find it in New England. Ahh, good ole New England. Home to Harvard, Clam Chowda, Yale, MIT, Yankee Swaps, Robert Frost, and Moxie. Impressive, eh?

Still not convinced? Then consider the fact that Calvin Coolidge, E.B. White, and Ted Williams were all avid fans of the drink. How's THAT for celebrity sponsorship. Any drink that prides itself on the affections of an early 20th century president is definitely highbrow. I can just imagine other companies turning to historical figures for their marketing. Nike could create a line of running shoes based on Moses' travels in the desert: "Just Jew It."