Best Olympic Winter Sport

Lowbrow Answer: Men's Ice Hockey
Do we really need another chance to watch toothless morons run into each other at 45 mph? Already nobody watches the NHL, you really think people are waiting with baited breath for that awesome match between Estonia and Belarus? I doubt it. Maybe they could spice it up a little and use a live puppy instead of a puck. Then I'd watch. Or at least maybe set my TiVo.

Keeping Ice Hockey in the Olympics is like putting a goat skeleton in a natural history museum. Sure it makes sense, but if we're going to the natural history museum, we're going to see the Velociraptors and tyrannasaurs, not the lame goat skeleton. Fucking goats with their gross cheese and crazy facial hair.


Middlebrow Answer: Bobsledding
Hey guys, I have an idea. Let's dress up like condoms, stick a big ice skate in our asses, and shoot down a long frozen tube as fast as we can. It'll probably feel something like being birthed by a polar bear. Oh, and if we crash, there's a good chance our necks get broken.

Okay, I can talk shit about Bobsledding all I want, but we all know that it's kind of awesome. It's like every 11-year-old boy's dream: to ride in a rocket with your three best friends. That and seeing a boob. Just one is fine. They're only eleven, they aren't greedy.


Highbrow Answer: Biathlon
Combining weapons with sports is the best idea I've ever heard. Let's add land mines to the NFL or use hand grenades instead of baseballs. Then maybe I'd feel like professional athletes' inflated salaries were deserved.

This sport started in 1861 when Norway's Trysil Rifle and Ski Club began training soldiers to ski and shoot as a form of national defense. So let's just get this straight. In 1861 America, we're blowing the crap out of each other in the first year of the Civil War. In 1861 Norway, they're skiing all day and then shooting at targets. Now that's highbrow. I gotta move to Scandinavia. Get myself a little hut in the snowy woods where I can read Engels all day and masturbate to lurid pictures of Arctic Foxes.