Best Country That Doesn't Exist Anymore?

Lowbrow Answer: Troy
Let me get this straight. You head down to the beach one morning for some surfing and body-boarding, and sitting there in the sand is a massive horse. So you take the horse inside your city and then a bunch of Greeks pop out and kill everyone. Nice work. How's it feel to get beaten by a giant My-Little-Pony?

And of all the baddasses living during this time, your leader was Hector? Just "Hector?" The guy who runs the fruit cart at the end of my block is called "Hector." The enemy has warriors with names like Ajax, Odysseus, and Achilles, and you've got "Hector?" Who are your other heroes? Tobey, Steve, and Justin? No wonder you were destroyed.


Middlebrow Answer: Carthage
When your leader is Hannibal and your warriors ride on elephants, you could be a race of talking Cupcakes and I'd still be terrified. You also somehow managed to occupy like, 4,000 miles of coastline along the Mediterranean Ocean, in the most beautiful part of the world. There must have been some pretty sweet Carthaginian Club Meds.

Of course, you fell to the Romans. The fucking Romans. Come on, Carthage, can you be any more cliche? Having your empire fall to Rome is like contracting herpes from that slutty cheerleader in your high school with the lazy eye. It's like, dude, you knew she had been with everybody. So don't act all surprised when you bone her and then your junk is suddenly itchy. I don't care how many times she winks that lazy eye at you, just stay away from her.


Highbrow Answer: Vermont
Didn't see this one coming, did ya? In 1777, Vermont declared independence and existed as an independent country for fourteen whole years until it finally chose to join the United States in 1791 as the 14th state. Suck on that, New Hampshire.

The whole independence thing was spearheaded by a guy called Ethan Allen. In case you weren't aware, he's the single most amazing dude ever. He chewed on nails to scare English soldiers, he started the American Revolution by taking Fort Ticonderoga, and he hung out with mountain men with names like Remember Baker and Gershom Beech. Hey Trojans, I bet if your leader were called Gershom Beech, you'd still be around. Morons.