Best Chess Piece?

Lowbrow Answer: The Rook
Look at you. All thick and stout with a flattop haircut. You're the chess version of a Duke Lacrosse player. You're the piece most likely to date-rape one of the female pawns: "Come back to my square later, baby, we'll have some boxed-wine and Captain Morgan."

And you can only move in straight lines? What are you, six? You move like a donkey wearing blinders, only you aren't wearing any blinders. You're the opposite of having Cerebral Palsy; your body works just fine but your mind is an idiot.


Middlebrow Answer: The Bishop
He hangs out right next to the king and queen, which means he's kind of important by association. It's like how those people you always see in the background of pictures of the president are the ones who are really running shit. He's religious, however, which immediately loses him points. The highbrow elite don't spend Sundays in church, they spend Sundays outside the church, making fun of those that are inside.

Moving diagonally is kind of awesome, because it means the bishops are the only pieces that stay on one color square for the whole game. None of this mingling with the masses shit. I'm perfectly happy on just the black squares, thanks. Although, is it ironic to anybody else that the bishop is the piece that looks the most like an erect penis? I smell a lawsuit.


Highbrow Answer: The Knight
This dude is so highbrow that he doesn't even believe in normal geometry. No straight lines for me, thanks, I'll just move in "L's". He doesn't stand next to the King and Queen because fuck the King and Queen. They can take care of themselves; he's got women to bone and non-linear movements to make.

Oh, and jumping other pieces? No problem. You really think he's going to let the proletariat keep him from going where he pleases? If only life were like that. The highbrow elite could have special cars that let them leapfrog the idiots. Then we would always get to work on time for our jobs as sit-around-and-think-of-highbrow-stuff-and-publish-books-that-nobody-will-read-ers.