You Have Three Kids. You Should...

Lowbrow Answer: ...Give them all names that start with the same letter.
The parents who typically pull this kind of shit are either super-wealthy white people or super-poor minorities. Either way, go fuck yourself. You have three beautiful daughters. You can't come up with more interesting names than Kelly, Kimberly, and Kelsey? Are you literally trying to make me hate you? If you are, it's working. Even if you aren't; it's still working.

I'm waiting for the day when people just quit trying and name all their kids "Dana." Male, female. It won't matter. We already spend all our time shopping at Wal-Mart and eating at McDonald's and watching "Transformers." We may as well go full-bore and just all have the same identities. At least you'd never forget somebody's name again.


Middlebrow Answer: ...Love them all equally and raise them well.
I hate kids in the first place, but if you're going to ruin my day by having one, at least be a good parent. Teach the thing to read and write and worship Adorno. Teach it to enjoy foreign arthouse poetry and listen to Chopin and sneer at Steven Spielberg movies. Teach it to be nice to everyone, except racists, homophobes, bigots, and lacrosse players. Fuck those people. They can swallow a rattlesnake.

On the other hand, there are few things worse than happy families. With their golden retrievers and white picket fences and Ford minivans and Saturdays at the park and Sundays at Episcopal church and smiling Christmas card photos from top of Mount Belmont. What is this, The Family Circus? Life is shit. Your son will get AIDS and your daughter will get hit by a comet. And The Family Circus blows. Worst comic ever.


Highbrow Answer: ...Kill two of them.
The world is overpopulated. There are like 147 billion people living in China. We're running out of space. We're running out of food and water. The last thing we need is idiots like you pumping out kid after kid after kid like your vagina is some kind of Pez dispenser. I don't care if you're Catholic. Or Evangelical. Or any other dumb religion that demands you have kids so that they can join the Pope's army or whatever. Use a condom. They're cheap, they're accessible, and the ones we have today are much better than the sheep's bladder you would have had to use back in the day.

I don't understand why some people are so intent on having 25 children. Doesn't it get old? Aren't you totally bored after the first two? Aren't you sick of potty training and diapers and whining and soccer practices and singing lessons and birthday parties and visits to the hospital and crying? No? You aren't? Man, your life is pathetic. Like, Eddie Murphy's post-1995 acting career pathetic.

Best Logo for a Champions League Soccer Team?

Lowbrow Answer: FC Sheriff (Moldova)
Let me get this straight. Your club is called "FC Sheriff," so you put a big, gold Sheriff's star in your logo? That's the best you could do? How do you even know what a sheriff is? Isn't the primary language in your country Romanian? Did you name your team from watching old re-runs of Bonanza on the one American station you get?

You have to consider the implications of a team being called Sheriff. Think about every movie you've seen that has a "sheriff" in it. In every single of them, he's lame. He's usually some old, white-haired jackass with a big hat and ugly boots. I'd rather call my team "FC Villain" or "FC Bad Guy Who Shoots Everyone."


Middlebrow Answer: Olympique de Marseille (France)
Yes, the big "M" looks like a McDonald's logo from the future. But the single star is classy. And so is the fact that there aren't any pictures here. I hate it when soccer teams draw little images in their crests. It's like Arsenal with their stupid cannon. Yes, guys, we get it. Your team shares its name with a munitions armament. Clever. Dumbasses.

You have to appreciate the slogan here. "Droit Au But" roughly translates to "Right to goal." That shit is money. This team isn't screwing around. I think more things should have slogans like that:

Burger King - "Right to your arteries."
The Catholic Church - "Right to your wallets."
Ron Jeremy - "Right to my balls."


Highbrow Answer: EB/Streymur (Faroe Islands)
It takes guts to design your club's logo so that it looks like an infinity symbol. Especially if you're a Podunk club from the Faroe Islands whose players probably all have day jobs at the local Starbucks. "Hey Boss, I need the Saturday shift off, we're playing against Real Madrid and I should probably be there."

Look at this logo. There are no numbers, no names, no hokey stars for all the times they've won a championship. Just infinity. Baddass. I think the team should change its name to "The Club Who Shall Not Be Named." That would probably inspire greater terror in its opposition than "AB/Streymur," which sounds like some kind of blood disease.

Best Menu Item at McDonalds?

Lowbrow Answer: The Big Mac
A Big Mac sounds like an 18-wheeler freight truck, which makes sense, because that's what it feels like coming out the other end. Why would I order a sandwich that insists on holding a fight club in my lower intestine every time I eat it?

And I don't care how many catchy jingles you write, I'll never trust the "special" sauce. Why is Fast Food the only place in our lives where they can offer us special sauce and we accept it without question. If some dude came up to me in a bar or a gas station or an elementary school and offered me "special sauce," I'd think he was about to date-rape me.


Middlebrow Answer: The Premium Caesar Salad
I'm sure these are healthier for you than the rest of the menu. Not because they're actually nutritious, but because even a Blow Pop is healthier than the grease-soaked meat product vagaries on the rest of the menu.

But come on, ordering a salad at McDonald's is like paying a prostitute to play checkers with you. You can do it, but it seems silly.


Highbrow Answer: The Filet-O-Fish
Now this is class. None of that "cow" or "chicken" product here. Just pure Ocean-bred Alaskan Pollock. It's Hindu-friendly, it's Muslim-friendly if you observe Halal, and it's Lent-friendly for those Christians on the go. It's basically the sandwich version of global religious harmony.

And how about that tartar sauce? That shit is incredible. They should just call it "Happy Paste." Chopped pickles, capers, onions, chives, and fresh parsley in a mayonnaise and horseradish sauce? Where am I, Top Chef? The name comes from the Tatars, a Turkic people who live primarily in Russia. I'm sorry, the history of Tartar sauce involves "Turkic peoples?" High. Fucking. Brow.