Best Super Mario Kart Track?

Lowbrow Answer: Rainbow Road
This is what happens when you let a 7-year-old on methamphetamine design a race track. It's like somebody stabbed a disco floor then ran it over with a steam roller. I'm sure I'd be getting faster times on it, if only I weren't so busy having a seizure during Lap 3.

Where the hell was OSHA when they were building this abomination? Aren't there regulations for this shit? There are no walls, electrical stone faces are falling all over the place, and the whole thing is free-floating in space. Talk about a lawsuit waiting to happen. Can't we put in some safety fences or something? The last thing we need is Bowser careening out of control and smashing into a family of nuns or a litter of baby kittens.


Middlebrow Answer: Vanilla Lake 2
Nothing gets my nipples hard like ice racing. Yee-haw. The best part of this course is saving time by jumping onto the floating icebergs. Nothing gets the ladies going like the old jump-onto-the-icebergs-to-save-time routine. Yeah, girl. You know how I do. Cut right across that frozen lake. You like that? You want some more? Come here, I'ma rub my Donkey Kong all up in yo Princess Toadstool.

And yet, does anybody else think maybe we shouldn't be driving race cars through the arctic tundra? Aren't there, like, endagered baby seals and narwhals and dudes named Nanook wandering around up there? I mean, I know I'd be pissed if a family of Eskimos and a polar bear drove a bunch of race cars through MY backyard. Shouldn't we at grant them the same respect?


Highbrow Answer: Donut Plains 3
Good lord, this shit is impossible. I've been playing Mario Kart since back before I even knew how to masturbate, and I still can't win on this track. The turns are ridiculous, there's a gap in one of the bridges, and the whole thing is happening on some kind of rain-soaked flood plain. You turn too far one way - you're twelve feet under water. Too far the other - you're stranded on a patch of dirt with no hope. It's like 16-bit Hurricane Katrina.

And where are we getting these gophers that pop out of the ground and attack my kart? Is there Mercury leaking into a nearby water supply or something? They're terrifying. Here I am doing my best "Fast and Furious" impression around a corner, when a crazed, 5-foot ball of fuzz with dilated pupils and a tattoo on his arm that reads "Born to Fuck" jumps up onto my face. I surrender. Sweet Jesus, I surrender.

Best Weapon in Mario Kart?

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Lowbrow Answer: Star
You're faster, you're invincible, and you're in technicolor. I guess that's what you get for eating a celestial body. Although, using a star takes no skill whatsoever. You just run into everything and hope it goes well. Kinda like a drunken shark in a school of Salmon or the U.S. Army in The Middle East.

The worst part about stars is the music that comes on when you get one. Listen to it here. It's the kind of song you hear in a cheap Brazilian discotheque in 1984 or in the background of a commercial for a used car dealership. I can just see some dude with a mullet and a plaid jacket trying to sell me a '79 Buick with that music playing over the showroom speakers.


Middlebrow Answer: Banana
We're driving race cars and you're throwing bananas? Are you serious? That's like tossing a pickled ham at The Statue of Liberty and hoping it falls over. Ain't gonna happen. I'm not opposed to using fruit as a weapon, but you can do better than a banana. How about a pineapple? At least that shit has spikes all over it.

I do have to appreciate the simplicity of the banana. Using an everyday household item as a weapon is pretty awesome. They should stick with that theme in the next Mario Kart game. You could throw blenders and bed sheets and vacuum cleaners at each other. Maybe you'd get special bonuses for using unmentionables, like vibrators or condoms. I can just see the Princess tossing a pair of used panties at Donkey Kong. Hot.


Highbrow Answer: Green Shell
Let's say you meet two men. The first tells you that one time, he killed a man with a hunting knife and a .44 Magnum. The second tells you that he killed a man with a stuffed rabbit and a stick of butter. Now. Who are you more impressed with?

Exactly. The second man.

Hitting another driver with a green shell is nearly impossible. Your aim has to be perfect and you need to have some idea about rapid-motion physics. The best part about the shell is that, if you think about it, you're throwing around the dead body of a koopa troopa. Koopa Troopa, by the way, is actually a character in the game. That shit's twisted. Imagine fighting the Revolutionary War by stuffing dead British troops into our cannons. Dark, but highbrow.

Best Street Fighter?

Lowbrow Answer: Blanka
Look dude, I know you're a street fighter, so high fashion probably isn't a priority, but does your chest hair really have to match your shorts? I feel like that's a bit overkill. With a haircut and some time at a tanning salon, you could maybe look like Vin Diesel.

Anyone who has played this game knows that the key to Blanka is being able to whack the "Y" button quickly enough so that you're basically always electrified. Which is lame. There's no skill in that. Where's the reward? Imagine if giving a woman an orgasm were as easy as simply tapping a button over and over again as fast as you could. Wait. Maybe that's a bad example...


Middlebrow Answer: Dhalsim
He's stretchy, which is cool. And he wears a necklace made of skulls, which is also cool. Also, he hangs out with a pack of elephants. I feel like he leads a life that would make alot of rappers jealous. Imagine how excited Diddy (Or is it P. Diddy? Puff Daddy? Sean Combs??) would be if he got to wear skulls around his neck and roll up to parties on an elephant. Damn United States and its strict animal regulations.

On the other hand, Dhalsim is kind of a pussy. He wimpers like a little bitch when you smack him, and he's pretty slow for a guy who looks like an anorexic high school cheerleader. He needs to bulk up. He should go talk to Manny Rodriguez or A-Rod. Sorry, baseball fans. Too soon?


Highbrow Answer: Zangief
Upon first examination, this character is totally useless. He's slow, he's ugly, and he lacks any semblance of agility. But after a closer look, you realize he's terrifying. He's got weird plumes of body hair all over his body and he's fucking powerful. Once you take the time to master his moves, you discover that you can break any other character's neck with a head-in-the-crotch-Russian-suplex. Plus his boots look like something Janet Jackson's backup dancers would wear. Awesome.

The best part about Zangief is that he's a socialist. Look at his stage. It's full of miserable, working class communists cheering for something they can neither understand nor draw their attention away from. If you look closely, you can even spot some elderly Bolsheviks, reciting Lenin and preparing for revolution. I love class struggle. It gives me such a history boner.

Best Video Game Controller?

Lowbrow Answer: Nintendo Game Cube
I'm pretty sure this is what sex toys will look like in the future. There are like, 27 buttons on this thing. I need 13 thumbs just to make it work. How complicated are the games on this system?! I want to play a video game, not operate a NASA spacecraft.

And do we really need all the color? Is this controller built by the Playskool Company? The vivid colors are supposed to be on the screen, not in my hands. I feel like I'm holding a chew toy for developmentally disabled puppies.


Middlebrow Answer: The Sega Genesis
Black on black is classy. I'm also pretty sure that Batman throws these things at bad guys. It has a good number of buttons, a simple directional pad, and a start button. No bells and whistles here, folks, just reliable fun. This is the Toyota Camry of the controller world.

Of course, who the fuck cares about the Genesis? The only Sega game I can even remember is Sonic the Hedgehog, and that sucked. You spent the whole game just watching Sonic ricochet off of things like a fuzzy pinball. The controller might be great, but it's useless if it's attached to a shitty console. Kind of Kevin Garnett before he came to the Boston Celtics.


Highbrow Answer: The Atari 5200
Is that a number pad? You bet your ass it is. Complete with pound sign and star buttons. It's everything you'd ever want in a controller. You could probably call 1953 with this bad boy.

What games require a number pad and a joystick? "Bank Teller Boxing?" "Math Team Extreme?" Whatever they are, they're decidedly highbrow. No racing or action-adventure games here, thanks. We'll stick to using the Atari to do long division at an alarmingly quick rate.

Best Tetris Piece?

Lowbrow Answer: The "T"
This piece is such a slut. You can fit her in anywhere, the dirty cow. She loves it any way you want to give it to her: right side up, upside down, on her side. If there were Nintendo porn, Yoshi, Mega Man, Bowser, Metroid, and Link would be having a field day with this piece, if you understand what I'm saying.

The "T" is like that vaguely attractive girl you knew in high school who hooked up with all the football and hockey players: she'll make out with anybody as long as it helps her fit in.


Middlebrow Answer: The Long One
Anybody else see phallic imagery here? Especially when you slam this piece down into a hole to get a Tetris. All the lights flash, the score goes crazy, and the little 8-bit sirens blare; it's one big digital orgasm.

This piece is the key to the whole game when you stand it up, but is utterly useless when you lay it down. It's such a drastic turnaround. It's like how Jimmy Fallon is totally endearing and funny one moment, and I want to strangle him with a garden hose the next. I can't handle that type of inconsistency. It frays my fragile socialist nerves.


Highbrow Answer: The Block
This bad boy changes for no man. Rotate him 400 times, he'll always look the same. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. He's too busy sipping high-end whiskey and smoking a pipe to worry about how you can't fit him into whatever mess you've made of the screen.

Using the block is like inheriting a pet Stegosaurus: he'll be fun and interesting if you make room for him, but he can really make a mess of things if you haven't prepared for his arrival.

Best Mario Kart Racer?

Lowbrow Answer: Yoshi
What the hell IS Yoshi? He looks like a strange mix between a horse and a gecko, but I can't be sure. His driving abilities are fine, but let's face it, he's Mario's bitch. An Italian plumber douchebag rides him around everywhere making him eat things. Sounds like a frat house initiation.

Yoshi's secret weapon is an egg. So let me get this straight. Mario and Luigi can turn invincible, the princess can SHRINK me, and you're throwing eggs? Really? Good luck with that. I'm surprised the Horse-Gecko Christian Right isn't all over your ass for such a blatant disregard of future Yoshis.


Middlebrow Answer: Koopa Troopa
This little guy is agile as fuck and accelerates like he's got nitrous in his go-cart. I can just picture him street racing against Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. He's also a soldier, which means he's making a fair wage and has some advanced training in killing people. Good for him.

The downside is that he's a bald turtle who takes orders from an overweight velociraptor. He's too busy serving the Evil Reptile Army and kidnapping blonde women in pink dresses to really educate himself and make a play toward gaining true highbrow status.


Highbrow Answer: Bowser
It takes a long time to master driving with this beast, but anything that seems impossible at first is probably highbrow. Ever tried to read Heidegger? See my point? Bower's top speed is ridiculous, he can run bitches over, and his victory music sounds like a low-fi collaboration between Rammstein and Daft Punk.

And oh yeah, he's a DRAGON. When was the last time YOU shit out a fireball while driving at 80 mph?