Best Street Fighter?

Lowbrow Answer: Blanka
Look dude, I know you're a street fighter, so high fashion probably isn't a priority, but does your chest hair really have to match your shorts? I feel like that's a bit overkill. With a haircut and some time at a tanning salon, you could maybe look like Vin Diesel.

Anyone who has played this game knows that the key to Blanka is being able to whack the "Y" button quickly enough so that you're basically always electrified. Which is lame. There's no skill in that. Where's the reward? Imagine if giving a woman an orgasm were as easy as simply tapping a button over and over again as fast as you could. Wait. Maybe that's a bad example...


Middlebrow Answer: Dhalsim
He's stretchy, which is cool. And he wears a necklace made of skulls, which is also cool. Also, he hangs out with a pack of elephants. I feel like he leads a life that would make alot of rappers jealous. Imagine how excited Diddy (Or is it P. Diddy? Puff Daddy? Sean Combs??) would be if he got to wear skulls around his neck and roll up to parties on an elephant. Damn United States and its strict animal regulations.

On the other hand, Dhalsim is kind of a pussy. He wimpers like a little bitch when you smack him, and he's pretty slow for a guy who looks like an anorexic high school cheerleader. He needs to bulk up. He should go talk to Manny Rodriguez or A-Rod. Sorry, baseball fans. Too soon?


Highbrow Answer: Zangief
Upon first examination, this character is totally useless. He's slow, he's ugly, and he lacks any semblance of agility. But after a closer look, you realize he's terrifying. He's got weird plumes of body hair all over his body and he's fucking powerful. Once you take the time to master his moves, you discover that you can break any other character's neck with a head-in-the-crotch-Russian-suplex. Plus his boots look like something Janet Jackson's backup dancers would wear. Awesome.

The best part about Zangief is that he's a socialist. Look at his stage. It's full of miserable, working class communists cheering for something they can neither understand nor draw their attention away from. If you look closely, you can even spot some elderly Bolsheviks, reciting Lenin and preparing for revolution. I love class struggle. It gives me such a history boner.