Best Character from "Doug?"

Lowbrow Answer: Chalky Studebaker
Cut the sweetheart routine douchebag, you're not fooling anyone. You're the kind of guy who's going to grow up to be the president of some fraternity at Florida State. You'll probably get arrested your senior year for date-raping Beebe Bluff. And is that a letterman's sweater you're wearing? Are we suddenly in 1954?

You're talented at everything, except drawing. Big surprise. You can dunk a basketball and hit a homerun, but you have no idea about high culture or visual art. Meathead. It's idiots like you that kept thinkers and artists like me from getting laid in high school.


Middlebrow Answer: Patti Mayonnaise
Okay, so your mom is dead and your dad is in a wheelchair. Those broken dreams alone are enough to pull you up out of simple lowbrowdom. You also appreacite the fine arts and dance ballet. Most of all, your shortish haircut demonstrates some knowledge of women's liberation and progressive thinking. I know you're just a cartoon character, but I'd totally do you.

Of course, you're also kind of a bitch. Here's Doug, this sweet, wonderful dude, and you, of course, ignore his romantic advances. Reminds me of EVERY girl I knew in middle school. And what's with your outfit? Could you be any trampier? Your skirt is like two and a half feet above your knees. How do you expect to be taken seriously when you look like a child prostitute from Belgrade?


Highbrow Answer: Skeeter Valentine
What a legend. His skin is blue, his nose is huge, and he dresses like he's a model in some sort of neo-Japanese fashion show. You'll never see him with a girl, because he doesn't concern himself with the inane ramblings of middle-school females. He's too busy contemplating existence to worry about pedestrian activities like sex.

Skeeter's also a genius. No, literally. The more devoted of you will remember the episode when Doug goes to his house and discovers that Skeeter has been reading highbrow books on philosphy. In essence, he's an animated character who's spouting hypotheses on Kant's Critique of Pure Reason. You're a real human being and you can't even do that.