Best Super Mario Kart Track?

Lowbrow Answer: Rainbow Road
This is what happens when you let a 7-year-old on methamphetamine design a race track. It's like somebody stabbed a disco floor then ran it over with a steam roller. I'm sure I'd be getting faster times on it, if only I weren't so busy having a seizure during Lap 3.

Where the hell was OSHA when they were building this abomination? Aren't there regulations for this shit? There are no walls, electrical stone faces are falling all over the place, and the whole thing is free-floating in space. Talk about a lawsuit waiting to happen. Can't we put in some safety fences or something? The last thing we need is Bowser careening out of control and smashing into a family of nuns or a litter of baby kittens.


Middlebrow Answer: Vanilla Lake 2
Nothing gets my nipples hard like ice racing. Yee-haw. The best part of this course is saving time by jumping onto the floating icebergs. Nothing gets the ladies going like the old jump-onto-the-icebergs-to-save-time routine. Yeah, girl. You know how I do. Cut right across that frozen lake. You like that? You want some more? Come here, I'ma rub my Donkey Kong all up in yo Princess Toadstool.

And yet, does anybody else think maybe we shouldn't be driving race cars through the arctic tundra? Aren't there, like, endagered baby seals and narwhals and dudes named Nanook wandering around up there? I mean, I know I'd be pissed if a family of Eskimos and a polar bear drove a bunch of race cars through MY backyard. Shouldn't we at grant them the same respect?


Highbrow Answer: Donut Plains 3
Good lord, this shit is impossible. I've been playing Mario Kart since back before I even knew how to masturbate, and I still can't win on this track. The turns are ridiculous, there's a gap in one of the bridges, and the whole thing is happening on some kind of rain-soaked flood plain. You turn too far one way - you're twelve feet under water. Too far the other - you're stranded on a patch of dirt with no hope. It's like 16-bit Hurricane Katrina.

And where are we getting these gophers that pop out of the ground and attack my kart? Is there Mercury leaking into a nearby water supply or something? They're terrifying. Here I am doing my best "Fast and Furious" impression around a corner, when a crazed, 5-foot ball of fuzz with dilated pupils and a tattoo on his arm that reads "Born to Fuck" jumps up onto my face. I surrender. Sweet Jesus, I surrender.