Best Biblical Plague of Egypt?

Lowbrow Answer: Frogs (2nd)
Let me get this straight. You're God. You created the whole world in just six days. You invented man and woman and bears and snakes and toasters and Holland and knitting and Volkswagens. And the best you can come up with is dumping frogs on everyone? That sounds like the kind of punishment an adolescent boy would come up with. What are you doing to do next? Spray everyone with cooties and make them eat boogers?

Let's also not forget that this was the second plague. The first plague was to turn all the water in Egypt into blood. So. To recap. You start off by turning the Nile into blood, and you follow it up with a bunch of frogs? You may have surpassed Weezer as the kings of starting out with something strong (The Blue Album, Pinkerton) and following it with something SHITTY (all the rest of their albums).


Middlebrow Answer: Death of the First-Born (10th)
This one is pretty aggro. No more gnats and insects. We're going for the throat here. Death is pretty hardcore, espeically the kind that comes invisibly and only kills your eldest son. I wonder if we could adapt that technology to apply it to DMV workers who take too long.

Of course, all the negative impact of this plague is greatly lessened when we realize that there were probably lots of Egyptian first-born sons who were pricks and who everyone would be happy to see go. Just remember that Benito Mussolini, Charles Manson, and Sylvester Stallone were all first-borns and I think history has shown us that we could have done without them.


Highbrow Answer: Darkness (9th)
After dumping all manner of disease, hail, and animals on the Egyptians, God takes it old-school and gives them darkness so heavy that an Egyptian could physically feel it. Now THAT'S hardcore. He's basically plaguing them with depression. Reminds me of my third grade teacher and her attempts to sadden the class by telling us that the Easter Bunny had murdered Santa Claus.

We in the highbrow elite know that true pain comes not from the external, but the internal. For example, getting hit by your drunken step-father is far less terrible than listening to him hump your mother each night. See what I'm talking about? With that in mind, there's nothing more badass than simply plunging somebody into cave darkness for three days. I don't even have anything funny to say about it. It's just plain awesome.

Best Fictional Reptile?

Lowbrow Answer: Reptile from Mortal Kombat
Let me get this straight. You serve an evil overlord from a different dimension by fighting in an ultimate death tournament against a bunch of other warriors? I don't get it. Are you paid by the hour? What are the medical benefits like? If I were an evil overlord and you were working for me, I think I'd have you mow my lawn and balance my checkbook way before I'd have you enter a death tournament. That just seems like a waste.

Don't you have any other skills besides ripping dudes' arms off and eating people's skulls? No? My god, you're lowbrow. Listen, man. Why don't you go back to school and get your GED. Then you could trade in your karate outfit for a bus driver's uniform or a janitor's smock.


Middlebrow Answer: Godzilla
He tramples cities, breathes nuclear fire, and he battles other gigantic monsters. He's basically living my dreams every day. And he's got that cool loner thing going on as well. No friends, no family. Just him and the road and the Japanese military. How Kerouac.

Of course, in the end, he always ends up losing to some scientist who figures out a way to send him back down into the ocean. It's like, dude, come on. When you climb out of the ocean, start by eating all the scientists. You see a little guy in a white lab coat running around, grab that bitch and swallow him whole. Then you can relax and enjoy yourself in Tokyo.


Highbrow Answer: The Serpent from the Bible
Talk about salesmanship. This guy convinces two people to do the one thing they're not allowed to do. Literally the one thing. It would be like getting the NRA to lobby for gun control or Hitler to marry Sarah Silverman. And you know he's an educated elite to pull that kind of stunt off right under God's nose.

If you think about it, The Serpent is basically responsible for Original Sin. Now that is highbrow. Just imagine what it's like when he goes back to his high school reunion. Some people have written books, maybe one guy is a senator. And The Serpent? Oh, you know, no big deal, he just caused ORIGINAL SIN. Baddass.