When Life Hands You Lemons...

Lowbrow Answer: ...Throw a tantrum.
I love people who get upset when things don't go their way. Like crying and whining does anything but make you look like an idiot. If crying about my problems made them go away, I'd watch "A Walk to Remember" at the start of each day and be all set. That Nicholas Sparks. He just gets me.

Everybody has that one friend who is a complainer. You know the guy. The sun is always too bright, the room is always too cold, his stomach is always just a little queasy. I hate that guy. I hate him so much. Hey. Dude. Grow a pair. Stop whining or I'll ram a beehive up your ass.


Middlebrow Answer: ...Make lemonade.
Lemonade is good. Really good. Have you ever had that kind where they mix in pieces of actual lemons? Damn, that shit is amazing. I would drink lemonade every day if I could. Lemonade and hot dogs. I love hot dogs. Especially those red ones that come with the cheese already stuffed inside them. Yum. Wait, what were we talking about?

This answer is an optimistic one, but fuck optimism. The world is shit. You're useless. Your writing is terrible. Your art is atrocious. Those Donruss baseball cards you've been saving since you were five aren't worth anything. Your Golden retriever will get hit by a car. Just give it up, man.


Highbrow Answer: ...Ask for more lemons.
There's nothing more productive than depression. Happy people don't accomplish shit. They just sit around texting each other and watching The Bachelor. You wanna write a novel or compose a symphony? Cut your ear off. Or watch your wife die while giving birth to your son, who then also dies. Sure, it'll be painful; painful all the way to your own exhibit at the Tate Gallery! Ha HA!

The idea of fighting depression is so silly. It's like trying to win a boxing match against Mike Tyson. Sure, you may be able to avoid him for a few rounds, but sooner or later, he's going to bite your ear off. Why not just let it happen and be done with the whole thing.