Best Classic Disney Character?

Lowbrow Answer: Donald Duck
If we teach the children of America that having a speech impediment is okay, then what's next? You're allowed to suck your thumb until you're thirty? Ralph Lauren starts making khakis with built-in adult diapers so you never have to potty train? Fuck that. Learn to talk correctly. This is America, god dammit, not some prissy remedial country like Luxembourg or Canada.

And what's with the girlie sailor outfit? Is Donald in the Gay Navy? He's not even wearing any pants. He's dressed like he just wandered off the set of a porn starring the Village People. I wonder if he's a top or a bottom.


Middlebrow Answer: Grumpy
He's angry, he hates women, and his long beard makes him look like an Al-Qaeda operative. Besty. I can just picture him strapping some C4 to his chest and blowing up a bus terminal in Fantasy Land. Maybe we'd all get lucky and the explosion would take out a few of those creepy little kids from "It's a small world after all" on their way to work.

Any street cred that Grumpy has is totally blown to shit when you consider his roommates. An aging doctor with signs of Alzheimer's? An allergy-ridden nerd? A fatty whose clearly snorting Valium? You're judged by the company you keep, Grump. Maybe you should get your own place somewhere. You could use the extra space to display some Basquiat paintings.


Highbrow Answer: Dumbo
There are few things in life more terrifying than a flying elephant. They already trample shit at will, imagine if they could do it from 400 feet in the air. And Dumbo is even scarier because he's often wearing a vaudevillian circus outfit. I wish I could dress like that and pull it off as well as he does. When I do it, I just look like some stupid hipster from Silver Lake who's "super" excited for the newest Grizzly Bear single to come out.

The best part about Dumbo is his willingness to go on wild, alcohol-induced hallucinations. He's the pachyderm version of Hunter S. Thompson. That dream he has about the pink elephants on parade is the most horrifying shit I've ever seen. Seriously. Watch it again. It'll give you nightmares for weeks. Like, actual nightmares. Not those lame ones you always have where, OMG, somebody has stolen your blackberry!