Best Reason to Hate "Avatar"?

Lowbrow Answer: The Story Sucked
Newflash, Dill-Hole. Every single movie is just an amalgamation of a bunch of other movies. You noticed that "Avatar" is exactly like "Dances with Wolves" and "Fern Gully?" Congratulations, Sherlock. You should be a detective. Maybe you can finally figure out why Mary Kate Olsen looks so much like Ashley Olsen. That one has stumped me for years.

Who cares about story anyhow? You want a good story, go read a book. Going to the movies for a good story is like going to a Britney Spears concert for a good song. You just aren't going to get one. Just sit back, stop whining, and get busy creaming yourself over how amazing the graphics are. You terd.


Middlebrow Answer: The Casting was Weird
Okay, I'll admit. It's a little fishy that all the aliens are played by minority actors while all the people are white. Except Michelle Rodriguez. She's a minority. Although, she's not a minority like Cyprus Hill, 2Pac, and The Wutang Clan are minorities, she's a minority like Jackie Chan, Tiger Woods, and Colin Powell are minorities.

I will say that the acting as a whole was strong. Zoe Saldana didn't even appear on screen and I still wanted to bone her the entire time. Can you imagine fucking one of those alien chicks? Or even one of the dudes? I'd totally go gay for that one with the mohawk if he promised to stick his little octopus ponytail thing into my butt. Talk about a rectal exam. Whooo.


Highbrow Answer: The Closing Song is Ridiculous
Have you heard this shit? (listen here) Good god, Cameron. This is the highest grossing film of all time and this is the best you could do? You couldn't hire Radiohead or Beck or ANYBODY ELSE?

I love the words to this song. They basically summarize every bit of subtext in the movie. If you're going to be that blatant, why not go all the way with it:

This movie was about aliens fighting army dudes,
But it's really about nature and war and relationships,
Ooooo, Yeaahhhh.
The aliens can talk to the planet,
But that's just symbolic of their metaphorical connection to the earth.
Yeahhh, love and tanks and blue skin, Ooohhh.

I can just hear Celine Dion wailing away. Brings a tear to my eye.

Best Song with "Mmm" in the Title?

Lowbrow Answer: "Mmm Papi" by Britney Spears
I can't be sure, but I feel like there's something vaguely racist about the title of this song. And does this girl ever sing about anything beyond dancing with boys and/or being crazy? I think her songwriters just keep putting the same four words into a bag and pulling them out in random order to write her lyrics. What are the words? Crazy, love, baby, and heart.

Who are the people that are listening to this shit? Look, you like silly dance music? Fine. But I can list you a dozen other artists who do it way better than this idiot. And I've had enough with these pseudo-intelligent twentysomethings who like Britney Spears because they think it's ironic and funny. It isn't. She sucks. And so do they.



Middlebrow Answer: "MmmBop" by Hanson
This is the middlebrow answer by sheer virtue of the fact that at least each of the three girls in this band can actually play a musical instrument. That's more than you can say about Britney Spears. Also, realize that this song was produced by The Dust Brothers. Instant points to Hanson for hanging out with the guys who wrote the soundtrack for "Fight Club" and produced Beck's "Odelay."

On the other hand, what the fuck is an MmmBop? I can't decide if it sounds more like a character from Teletubbies or some sort of anal polyp. Either way, I'm not comfortable with these twerps making up words. Leave that to true artists like Shakespeare, Bjork, or Lil John.



Highbrow Answer: "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by the Crash Test Dummies
Say what you will, but this song rules. The title alone is the most Dadaist thing I've ever heard. Let alone there being no real words, there aren't even any vowels. The song talks about a kid who gets in a car crash, a girl who is covered in melanoma, and a boy who is religiously oppressed by his parents. Hard. Core. I feel like I'm watching a Jean-Pierre Jeunet movie. If you don't know who that is, you're lowbrow swine.

The best part about this band is that its lead singer is a bass. None of this popstar bullshit where the lead singer is a high tenor with a girlie voice. This guy is deep. His balls have dropped and are hanging down somewhere near his knees. He belongs in a Wagnerian Opera, singing the part of Wotan. If you don't know who that is, you're lowbrow swine.