Best Storybook Animal?

Lowbrow Answer: Clifford the Big Red Dog
Clifford lives with Emily Elizabeth, but I'm surprised he has lasted as long as he has without being arrested or tagged or shot down by the National Guard. Or drafted into the army and sent to Iraq. If I've learned anything about the US Military, it's that they love to put American flags all over potentially destructive shit and then dump it in The Middle East.

On a side note, where the hell are this girl's parents? She should be in ballet class or etiquette school or whatever it is that little girls do, not chilling with a massive beast that could swallow her in one gulp. And who is cleaning up after Clifford? Is anybody besides me concerned that he's dropping Buick-sized piles of shit all over the city?


Middlebrow Answer: Arthur
Arthur was a hipster before it was cool to be a hipster. Check him out: skinny jeans, red Converse, thick plastic glasses, and an off-color sweater. He looks like he could play bass for Grizzly Bear. Although, to be fair, I hate Grizzly Bear. Buy a pair of pants that fit, you douchebags.

Arthur is an aardvark. Aardvarks are "living fossils," which means they appear to be the same as a species otherwise only known from fossils and have no close living relatives. These species have all survived major extinction events. So. To summarize: Arthur is a hipster loner who was around during the dinosaurs and who is invincible to comet attacks or other forms of extinction. Can you say, "Awesome?"


Highbrow Answer: Babar the Elephant
Babar is an Elephant that travels from Africa to Europe, learns about government and civilization, then comes back and colonizes his own people into a kingdom. Now that is some oppressive, highbrow shit. What a tyrant. Babar is the elephant version of Pol Pot. I bet if you went out behind his royal palace, you'd find mass graves full of ape and lion corpses.

Babar is married to Celeste, who is his cousin. Let me say that again: Babar is married to his cousin. He also rules his kingdom in what is informally referred to as "gentle authoritarianism." Like it or not, authoritarianism and incest are two of the main ingredients for Machiavelli's "The Prince." And I bet you can guess what I think of that book.