Best Muppet?

Lowbrow Answer: Ms. Piggy
Alright, don't think I'm sexist for choosing the one prominent female Muppet to be the lowbrow choice: I can't help it if the one prominent female Muppet sucks ass. She's blonde, she's spoiled rotten, and she's trying to be an actress; she's the Muppet version of Paris Hilton. I can't wait till somebody releases a sex tape that shows Miss Piggy getting reamed by the Swedish Chef.

Miss Piggy's solution to any problem she can't solve is to karate chop everbody in sight. Real classy. There's nothing more lowbrow than throwing a tantrum when things don't go your way. You're like Hitler, or that kid "Jimmy" who used to sit in the back of my kindergarten class and sniff flavored markers. I'm pretty sure Jimmy is in prison now on an armed robbery charge. Poor, crazy bastard.


Middlebrow Answer: Kermit the Frog
Kermit seems to be the only Muppet who ever makes any sense. He also is the only one that we ever see driving or playing a banjo, so at least we can be sure he has competent fine motor skills. That's more than I can say for alot of Americans, including our last president.

But Ms. Piggy? Seriously? You're the head of the Muppets. You could be shacking up with Janice from Dr. Teeth and Electric Mayhem or Kim Kardashian. What are you doing with the annoying pig? You need to grow a pair, dude. Tell that controlling bitch that you need some space or you're gonna sell her to the slaughterhouse down the street. Oh, also, "The Rainbow Connection" sounds like it was written by Hanson.


Highbrow Answer: Gonzo the Great
Two dollars to anybody who can tell me what species Gonzo even is. He looks like a cross between a turkey and a mosquito, but I can't be sure. On The Muppet Show, Gonzo had a bunch of jobs, including conductor and bomb technician. Badass. The guy must have been in grad school for 35 years to earn both those titles.

Gonzo is also romantically involved with Camilla the Chicken. Now THAT'S a woman. She doesn't nag or complain, she's a cheap date, and she'll make you an omelet any time you want one. Literally. Plus, she's got a whole gaggle of friends who look just like her if you're ever feeling a bit kinky.