Best Mechanism for Improved Eyesight?

Lowbrow Answer: Contact Lenses
I'm not sure when we all decided that it was a good idea to stick our fingers into our eyes on a daily basis, but I'm not okay with it. Stick your finger into any other orifice you want (I recommend noses and butts), but come on, your eyes? You need those! What if you miss one day and end up blind? Then you wouldn't be able to read this column each day.

I know they're supposed to enhance the ease with which you live life, but contact lenses just seem like one big hassle to me. They're always falling out of people's eyes in important moments, like dancing at prom or in the middle of a bullfight. Then you gotta wander around like an elderly janitor, searching the floor for a tiny piece of circular plastic while the rest of us curse you in our heads.


Middlebrow Answer: Glasses
Glasses are quickly and easily removable, they're pretty fashionable, and you can always tear them from your face for dramatic effect during an intense moment: "Dammit, Tom. (pull glasses from face) She's going to die if we can't stop the bleeding." Man, I just got the shivers reading that line. I hope Tom can stop the bleeding.

Glasses can be annoying though. They get dirty, fogged, broken, scratched, whatever. And they're expensive. To get something of any reputable quality, you gotta spend like $400. I'd rather spend that money on something fun like tickets to Disneyland or pornography.


Highbrow Answer: A Monocle
The Monopoly guy was on to something with this one, and if I've learned anything from this life, it's not to disagree with the Monopoly guy. Look how well he's done for himself. If only I had his intellect. Then I could finally afford my dream homes on Park Place and Boardwalk.

Monocles are the epitome of the snooty highbrow elite. They dangle on a chain in your pocket, just waiting for you to pull them out daintily and use them to dispute a Socratic claim by a colleague. A monocle is like kryptonite to normal human beings. You pull one out and they immediately know you're about to intellectually bitch slap them. A monocle is the academic's version of a pistol in a mugging.