Best Drinking Water?

Lowbrow Answer: Bottled
Are we kidding with this? We are, right? I can't believe that selling bottled water actually exists as a viable way to make money. What a con. I should start packaging sand from the side of the road and selling it to people who don't live near beaches. I'd make a killing as long as I gave my company a pretentious French name. I could call it, "Sande."

The worst part about bottled water is that the people drinking it are the same people who claim to be health-conscious, earth-friendly members of society. Blow me. You're dumping thousands of tons of plastic into landfills, douchebag. Do us all a favor. Get back in your SUV with your lacrosse-playing, Nickelback-loving spoiled kids and your investment-banking, mean-to-his-assistant bastard husband and drive off a cliff. We'll recycle the metal from the wreckage, don't worry.


Middlebrow Answer: Filtered
Okay, I'll admit that it's fun to say the word, "Brita." And sure, filtered water does taste pretty good. And there are no plastic containers, and you're using the water that you pay taxes for. The best filters are the ones where the pitcher has a digital readout on it and a cool plastic encasing. I feel like I'm being served water from the future.

Of course, the Brita commercials conveniently forget to inform you that the filters cost like $250 a pop. What are they using to filter the water? The skin of endangered elephants? A minuscule webbing of blood diamonds? How about this. Just throw a wad of paper in there and I'll give you a dollar. I'm sure the water will come out just as clean.


Highbrow Answer: From the Faucet
Remember when everyone in America wasn't a pussy? When children played outside and got smacked if they fucked up? When getting a trophy for "participation" didn't exist and when you had to just sit still during a long car ride instead of watching a DVD? You don't? Really? You're probably too young. Well, I remember it. We were cold in the winter, we used our imagination to play games, and we drank water from the fucking faucet.

I don't understand why people are so afraid of everything. Water from the faucet isn't going to kill you. In fact, most scientists say that by trying so hard to sterilize EVERYTHING these days, we're actually fucking with our ability to naturally build up immunities to everyday sickness. And even if your drinking water does contain carcinogens, shut the hell up and get your cancer like a man. Life is shit anyway. Now THAT'S a highbrow way to see things.

Best Form of Renewable Energy?

Lowbrow Answer: Solar
How have we not figured this one out yet? Didn't every single calculator in 1989 run on solar power? And now, twenty years later, we're still trying to make it work for other stuff? Man, we're idiots. At this rate, we'll never figure out a way to solve world hunger or finally cure Butt Acne.

I also have to say that the sun kinda sucks. I like going to the beach as much as the next guy, but am I supposed to be excited about a massive nuclear reactor millions of miles away that's trying to melt my skin off? Generally, I try to avoid huge balls of burning gas, not get closer to them. The sun is the bimbo female reality TV star of the universe: shiny, annoying, way too tan, and full of hot air.


Middlebrow Answer: Wind
Have you ever seen a wind turbine? They're awesome. They look like the propellers from old-school Zeppelins. They also make this cool whizzing sound when they're turning. It makes you feel like you're walking at 56 mph when you're near one.

Wind, however, is sort of inconsistent. It's on, it's off. It's hot, it's cold. Some days I go outside to fly my Spongebob kite and I get nothing. Others, I want to wear my hair up and I can't because a hurricane is wrecking it. The wind is basically everybody's ex: somedays you like her, some days you don't. Either way, you often end up getting a blowjob. (Get it? Blow job? Like, the wind blowing? I can't beleive Saturday Night Live hasn't contacted me yet with jokes like that.)


Highbrow Answer: Water
The latest technology with water power is tapping into the energy of ocean currents. I know this because I have a cousin in Maine who's working on it. So. To summarize. We're going to stick turbines underwater (awesome) in places like the North Atlantic (bad ass) and the Bering Straight (hardcore) to harness some of the strongest currents on earth (intense), and the people designing this procedure live in upstate Maine (besty.) Need I say more?

Large bodies of water are, in general, fucking cool. Oceans, rivers, lakes, whatever. They all give me an intellectual boner. They sit there, placid and wonderful, just waiting for us to swim, boat, and fish in them, while underneath, they are some of the strongest forces on earth. It's like hopping into bed with Rogue from the X-Men; She may look beautiful, but if you aren't careful, she'll rip your arms off.