I think Gay People are...

Lowbrow Answer: "Punching Bags."
Hey. Homophobic dickheads of America. Can we stop with all the I'm-going-to-make-this-gay-kid's-life-so-miserable-that-he-kills-himself bullshit? What are you, five? Newsflash. This isn't 1169. The world is round. The Earth isn't the center of the universe. Fire is a chemical reaction, not a mystical punishment from God for touching yourself. This is the modern era. We have a black president. Women vote. I can film myself masturbating and then watch it back in less than ten seconds. Get with the times. Homophobia is out of style, along with public lynching and liking Weezer.

I don't understand homophobia in the first place. What the hell is so scary about gay people? I'd get it if you were afraid of sharks or spiders or Mike Tyson. But gays? They smell nice, they drink good wine, and they're great at figure skating. What the hell is so scary about that? Although, to be fair, that Russian figure skater from the Olympics was terrifying. That guy looked like he could strangle a grizzly bear. With his hands. On ice. In a purple and gold leotard.


Middlebrow Answer: "Funny on 'Modern Family.'"
Yes, Cameron and Mitchell are hilarious. Yes, so are Will and Jack. Yes, so are all five of those nice ladies from 'Queer Eye.' I'll even admit that Rosie O'Donnell made me giggle a few times. But only when she wasn't ranting about Cutie Patooties or inviting some fourth-grader to build her desk out of blue marshmallows. But here's the real question about all these people: Are we laughing with them or at them?

The problem with gays in the media is that they're never just people; they're always gay people. I want a baddass firefighter character to join the cast of "Rescue Me," and only after he has saved like 12 people from a burning building and rescued three Iranian babies from a flaming car does he mention that he's gay. And when he does, the other dudes pass him a PBR and respond with, "So?"


Highbrow Answer: "Just as uninteresting as the rest of us."
So you like ballet. And Broadway musicals. And penises in your butt. Who cares. I have more important things to worry about than who's tying you to the bed and covering you with KY jelly at night. I have Marx to read. I have Adorno to critique. I can't be bothered with the trivialities of your sex life. I don't care whether you're fucking a man or a woman; either way, the sex you're having is way less amazing than the sex I'm having. Trust me.

Here's an idea. Let's just all stay out of each other's personal lives, okay? You want to have sex with a dude? Go for it. You want to make play-doh replicas of the Teletubbies and throw them at old people? Great. You want to dress like a 3rd century sod farmer and lip sync to Tina Turner in your bathroom? Awesome. Good luck. I'll stay out of your way if you stay out of mine. 123 Go.

Best Weezer Album?

Lowbrow Answer: Any Album besides The Blue Album or Pinkerton
What the hell happened to this band? Did somebody give them all a lobotomy? They used to be so rad, but now they just sing nonsense songs with simple chord patterns about cities in California or vacationing on an island. They're basically human versions of muppets. Except that a lot of the muppets have talent.

My favorite part of recent Weezer is the fact that all the guitar solos in their songs are just instrumental versions of the melody. Creative, guys. You should cut the bullshit and just change all your lyrics to "La." Then you wouldn't have to worry about making any sense, and your legions of teenage followers would already know the words to your songs as soon as you released an album. Nice!


Middlebrow Answer: The Blue Album
This shit defined a generation. It made being a nerd cool, which is good because there are a hell of a lot of nerds out there. Not me, of course, but other people. Like you. Anyway, tunes like "Buddy Holly," "Say it Ain't So," and "Undone (The Sweater Song)," were playful and catchy breaks from the tired grunge movement. The Blue Album is like a musical oasis in the desert of Kurt Cobain rip-offs. An oasis with thick, black glasses and posters of Kitty Pryde on the wall.

I will admit, however, that some of the lyrics here are a bit juvenile for my taste. Talking about surfing to work is all well and good if you're The Beach Boys, but not if you're a weird, introverted geek from Connecticut. Rivers Cuomo on a surfboard is like a baby with an uzi: something bad is going to happen.


Highbrow Answer: Pinkerton
This is the money shot. Pinkerton is the mature, adult version of The Blue Album. The songs are strong, the lyrics are wicked, and the themes are highbrow. The whole thing, including the name of the record itself, is based on Puccini's opera, Madame Butterfly. High. Brow. Basing stuff on operas instantly gains you elitist points. Maybe I'd starting following professional football if they had some operatic influence: "Tonight! On Monday Night Football! The Orlando Daughters of the Regiment vs. The Washington Magic Flutes!"

What makes this album truly highbrow is all the album packaging. The cover is a famous Japanese print called Kambara yoru no yuki ("Night Snow at Kambara"). The edge of the CD features lyrics from Puccini's opera. The CD tray is a map with the title "Isola Della Farfalla e Penisola Di Cane." which is Italian for "Island of the Butterfly and Peninsula of Dog." The highbrow elite know that presentation is half the battle. If my penis were packaged half as well as Pinkerton is, I bet it'd get used a lot more often.

Best Female X-Man?

Like X-Men? Check out the male version of this post here.

Lowbrow Answer: Jubilee
Jubilee's super powers blow. She basically shoots fireworks from her hands. I could get the same effect by sticking Roman candles in my sleeves. Waa-hoo. What a hero. Jubilee's full name is Jubilation Lee, which to me sounds like a Southern rock band. I can just picture them opening for Lynryd Skynyrd in 1975.

The most annoying thing about Jubilee is what a brat she is. You're a super hero. People depend on you. You can't get upset every time you hair's a mess or your pants are wrinkled. Sabretooth is bashing Wolverine with a telephone pole and you're crying because your jacket got stained at dinner. No wonder they left you out of the movies. Whiny bitch.


Middlebrow Answer: Storm
You can't really argue with somebody who can control the weather. Just imagine it. Having an outdoor wedding and need some sunshine? Done. Want to go sledding? Done. Want to use a tornado to wipe out your ex-boyfriend and his new lady? Done. You're basically God in hot, Egpytian girl form.

Storm does get on my nerves though. She always talks like she's performing in a community theatre version of Macbeth: "Winds! I command you to do my bidding!" It's like, yeah, Storm, we can see that. Just shut up and do it already. Also, am I wrong in thinking that nearly every problem the X-Men face could be solved in one fell swoop by Storm? She CONTROLS THE WEATHER for christ's sake. She should get off her ass and help out a bit more.


Highbrow Answer: Kitty Pryde
She's verile, she's hot, and she isn't annoying. What more do you want? Kitty Pryde's mutant power is called "phasing," which basically means that she can make her body or objects with which she is in contact intangible. Umm, awesome. I want to start dating her so that we can sneak around together and steal things from people we don't like.

Kitty Pryde's place as a cultural icon cannot be underestimated. She was played by Ellen Page in the movie, which is radical. She's also immortalized in the Weezer song, "In the Garage." And we're not talking about the "Beverly Hills," lame-ass douchebag version of Weezer. We're talking about the epically awesome, Blue Album version of Weezer. Oh, Rivers Cuomo, where did it all go wrong?