Best Halloween Costume?

Lowbrow Answer: "Sexy" Anything
Listen, sweetheart. I know you've got really low self-esteem because your ex-frat-boy boyfriend would rather watch NFL games than have sex with you, but do we really need to see you squeeze your formerly perky ass into a pair of black booty shorts so that you can tell everyone you're a "cat?" Newsflash: cats don't wear high heels or have a bellybutton piercing or get drunk on two Smirnoff Ices. (Well, okay, maybe that last one is true - I have no idea how many Smirnoff Ices it takes to get a cat wasted.)

I like boobs and ass and low self-confidence as much as the next guy, but come on. If I wanted to see some girl's naughty-bits in public, I'd just drop a roofie in her vodka-soda and then drag her outside. Problem solved.

Middlebrow Answer: "Scary" Anything
At least these outfits are on theme. Halloween, if you'll remember, is supposed to be about ghouls and ghosts and shit. It's not supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be terrifying and horrifying and poop-in-your-pants-ifying. You should be dressing up as scary things. Stuff like zombies and monsters and catholic priests and my Uncle Rod who used to force all of us kids to take mustache rides at Easter. *shiver*
I'm not sure when we lost track of the true meaning of Halloween and veered off the track into superheroes and pop singers and eating 9 pounds of candy in one day. Probably around the same time we changed Christmas from "the birth of our Lord and Savior" to "Fuck you, give me that Tickle-Me-Elmo or I'll shove a lawnmower up your ass."


Highbrow Answer: "Abstract" Anything
For my money, the best Halloween costumes take explaining. A lot of explaining. I like it when a costume requires a lecture or a history lesson or a pie graph for me to understand it. At least then I'm learning something.
For full highbrow points this year, the best costume would require dressing up as one of of the following things:

- 14th Century German Nihilism
- Hubris
- The Japanese Commodities Market
- Any Color From the Infrared Spectrum
- The Soul of a Cheetah
- Chapter 14 from Betrand Russell's "The Amberly Papers"
- Doubt