Best "stan" Country?

Lowbrow Answer: Kazakhstan
Let me guess this straight. You had to pick a day for Khazakh independence, and you chose December 25th? Really? You didn't think that maybe people were already busy on that day? Like, maybe they had a tree to decorate or presents to open or an important birthday to celebrate? No wonder nobody comes to your Independence Day parades. Idiots.

And does anybody else want to stab Borat in the eye with a spoon? Yes, the movie was funny. Yes, Sacha Baron Cohen is amazing. No, I don't want you hear you say, "Very nice!" Yes, I would like it if you crashed your SUV into a brick wall. No, I will not cry at your funeral.


Middlebrow Answer: Afghanistan
Okay, fair play to any country that can successfully piss the United States off and get away with it. Afghanistan is that kid in your neighborhood who throws rocks at your house but never gets caught. And you wonder why your windows keep breaking and why your wife lives in fear and you'll never know because that little kid is a wily motherfucker.

Although, on the other hand, Afghans are lame. The dogs, not the people. They've got long, flowing blond hair and skinny legs. They look four-legged versions of like Paris Hilton, only way cuter. If Suzanne Sommers got turned into a dog in some low-budget, whimsical Disney film, she'd be an Afghan.


Highbrow Answer: Kyrgyzstan
Okay, on the count of three, correctly pronounce the name of this country.

1....2....3....

Wrong.

Idiot.

Kyrgyzstan sounds like some special type of corrosive chemical or a Godzilla monster or the secret code for a nuclear launch site. Any way you roll it, it's badass. Just imagine how much cooler you'd be if your name were Kyrgyzstan. Maybe then I'd be your friend. Maybe.