Best Hippopotamus?

Highbrow Answer: This one with the Baby
Oh my god that is the cutest fucking thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Look at that. Just look at it. Goddamn miracle of nature. Makes me want to vomit on a puppy or choke an infant with a rainbow it's so freaking adorable.

That is some committed parenting. I don't see you in the pool at the YMCA, following your kid around underwater to make sure he's doing the breast stroke properly. Although, after that messy incident with the beard trimmer and the underage lifeguard, I can see why they don't let you in the pool at the YMCA anymore.


Highbrow Answer: This one yelling at you
Hippos are awesome because they seem slow and docile until they're pissed off - then they chase you down at 60mph and break you in half. Having trouble picturing it? Just imagine running from an angry Volkswagan Jetta with 7-inch teeth.

Hippos are so terrifying that even hardcore predators like lions and tigers and velociraptors avoid them. They usually announce their presence with by trumpeting loudly from their throats. I wish I could do that everywhere I went: "GOOD MORNING EVERYONE, I HAVE ARRIVED AT THE LIBRARY. I'LL BE IN NON-FICTION." Then people would know not to fuck with me.


Highbrow Answer: This one Leaping through the Air
Are you seeing this shit? It's a fucking Hippo Torpedo. Be honest, have you ever seen anything more awesome in your whole life? I didn't think so. Imagine getting a few of these high on PCP and then loading them into a cannon and launching them into Afghanistan. The war would be over in matter of days.

Does anyone else think that "Hippo Torpedo" is a great name for an indie album? I can see the Arcade Fire or Vampire Weekend or one of those other really popular but annoyingly off-key bands releasing it. Maybe the Flaming Lips should do it and Wayne Coyne can spend the next 8 months touring the country in a rubber hippopotamus suit. Crazy bastard.

Best German Car Company?

Lowbrow Answer: Volkswagen
Who the hell is naming these things? The Jetta? The Rabbit? The Touareg? All of Volkswagen's cars sound like characters from some sort of freaky Japanese Animé. And come on. The Golf? You're naming a car after a sport? What's next, the Ford Ice Hockey? The Toyota Rhythmic Gymnasatics?

"Volkswagon" basically translates to "The People's Car" in English, which means that VW is, by definition, lowbrow. They've basically named their company after the proletariat. Nice work, marketing department.


Middlebrow Answer: BMW
These cars a pretty slick. They run well, they drive fast, and they look nice. That being said, they seem to have a pretty high concentration of assholes behind their wheels. And not the elite, handsome, smarter than you assholes; the dumb, shave their chesthair, wear too much hair gel assholes.

Bavarian Motor Works started off making airplane engines, which is where their logo comes from. A white propeller against a blue sky. Of course, they built war planes for the Third Reich and only switched to cars when the Allies told them they had to stop making bombers. Nazi pricks.


Highbrow Answer: DaimlerChrysler
These are the guys behind Mercedes Benz and Smart, among a host of other brands. So, basically, they're building the classiest cars in the country as well as the most innovative. Nice work, guys.

What impresses me most about this company is that it also builds amazing trucks. Like, big freight-carrying ones. So in the same day, they spit out the best luxury sedans and the best 18-wheelers. THAT'S versatility. It's like Davinci or P. Diddy: anything they touch turns to gold.