Best Oldschool Movie Monster?

Lowbrow Answer: The Mummy
Really? You're covered in toilet paper and you're going to chase me at a snail's pace with your arms outstretched? I should just hang my clothes on your arms and have you follow me around for quick outfit changes. Your constant groaning is pretty annoying too. It sounds like you're always constipated. Drink some prune juice, man.

And why the bandages? I assume your face is rotted and mangled underneath all that wrapping, but you're a movie monster. You're supposed to be terrifying, not look like some sort of viral toilet paper advertisement. "Charmin: soft enough to wipe your ass with but strong enough to keep your undead corpse in one piece."


Middlebrow Answer: Count Dracula
He's got a great pad, a good sense of style, and a sexy European accent. Plus his dental hygiene is impeccable. I would totally go out with him. I'd just be sure to wear a turtleneck. I'm also down with any biological condition that keeps me inside all day. "Oh, sorry honey, I'd love to do the grocery shopping and pick up the kids, but you know what the sun does to my skin."

I can't tell you how sick I am of this recent vampire craze, however. "True Blood" can suckle my balls. And I'm sorry, but "Twilight" is lame. I wish that series' fans would just get over themselves and watch some porn. I know some great DVDs where you can actually see two vampires bone-sawing. Let me loan it to you and we can all let Robert Pattinson go back to working as a gas station attendent.


Highbrow Answer: The Creature from the Black Lagoon
Nothing says class like waterfront property. In the Amazon, no less. This guy lives in a remote part of Brazil and spends his days fishing and reading. Sounds pretty highbrow to me. None of this terrorizing villages or hunting down human prey; he's too busy studying aquatic botany and perfecting his tan.

If you're still not convinced about The Creature's obvious highbrow status, why don't you grab a paleontology textbook and do a little research on the Eucritta Melanolimnetes. It's a fossil amphibian discovered in a fetid swamp by a University of Cambridge professor. What's the name mean? Oh, no big deal. It's Greek for "the creature from the black lagoon." BOO-YAH.

Best Way to Shave?

Lowbrow Answer: Electric Razor
Every time I use one of these I can't help but feel like I'm shaving my face with a vibrator. They're just another example of American culture mechanizing something that shouldn't be mechanized. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though. We are the country who came up with the Flowbee.

These things inherently insult my intelligence. I'm a man. Shaving, hunting, killing, building stuff, eating, looking at boobs, yelling at sports, and scratching my testicles are in my blood. Don't patronize me with your button that releases revitalizing cream onto my face while I'm shaving. Take your button and your moisturizing cream and your spinning blades and shove them up your ass.


Middlebrow Answer: Safety Razor
You get a nice shave, you don't risk puncturing your juggular, and it's decently cheap. Plus these generally have cool names like the "Mach Three." I don't know about you, but I like shaving my face with a device that sounds like it's a fourtneen-million dollar American stealth fighter jet. Cool.

I'm so sick of the safety razor arms race, though. First three blades, then four blades, then four blades and a moisture strip, then five blades and a moisture strip, then six blades and a moisture strip and an X-Box. I just want to shave my face; I don't need satellite-uplink capability and a sniper rifle as well.


Highbrow Answer: Straight Razor
This shit is hardcore. One slip up and you bleed out like an Ebola patient. Of course, the bigger the risk, the bigger the payout. Kinda like boxing Joe Frazier versus boxing Haley Joel Osment. A shave with a straight razor leaves your face smooth enough to snort cocaine off of and you look like a badass doing it. Best.

The first straight razors were sharpened clam shells or shark's teeth. How do I know that? Because cave drawings depicting such awesomeness have been discovered in various locales. Radical. So you go ahead and use your Schick Quattro; I'll stick to shaving my face with the teeth of one of the world's greatest predators. No big deal. I also use Cobra fangs as toothpicks and my shoes are made of Velociraptor, if you're wondering.

Best American Coin?

Lowbrow Answer: The Penny
Are we serious about these? Were we ever? Pennies belong in the bin marked "stuff America is better without" along with slavery, the Salem witch trials, evangelical Christians, the Republican party, and Michael Jackson. (Too soon? Come on, he'd been a mockery of himself for 15 years) Using pennies is like handing out single bullets to soldiers who are about to march into battle. Doesn't make too much sense.

And what's with the unique color? Why are we trying to make pennies stand out? You can't even use them in parking meters. Lincoln is a legend to be sure, but you don't put the fat kid in the front of the class picture. You hide him in the back where he can stuff chocolate into his face without fear of ruining the shot.


Middlebrow Answer: The Quarter
Okay, so they're totally useful and a nice manageable size. Plus, George Washington is kind of the man. I know he's got that goody-two-shoes reputation after the whole "I shall not tell a lie" incident, but you've got to hand it to the guy. He's basically the William Wallace of the U.S., only without the Scottish accent and the smoking hot French princess girlfriend.

But is anybody else tired of these state coins? I'm doing my best each and every day to forget the fact that Texas, Arkansas, Georgia, and Alabama are part of this country. I don't need reminding every time I get change at Burger King.


Highbrow Answer: The Susan B. Anthony Dollar
Plop one of these bad boys on the counter at Starbucks and see the reaction you get. I bet half the proles in the place will think you're Norwegian. The design of the coin itself is money (get it?). The front has a hendecagon-shaped edge running around the inside of the circle while the reverse is the Apollo 11 moon landing. Nothing like having two things that only geniuses know how to accomplish on a coin: travel in space and identify a hendecagon.

Let's not forget what a legend Susan B. Anthony was either. She's more or less directly responsible for women's rights in this country. Like, ALL women's rights. She's the first woman to be on a coin, was friends with Frederick Douglas, and was once arrested for voting illegally. So, let's do a quick comparison:

Susan: arrested once, friends with Frederick Douglas, on a coin = AWESOME
You: pulled over once for a broken headlight in your Prius, friends with dumb frat boys from college, not on a coin = LAME

Best Biblical Plague of Egypt?

Lowbrow Answer: Frogs (2nd)
Let me get this straight. You're God. You created the whole world in just six days. You invented man and woman and bears and snakes and toasters and Holland and knitting and Volkswagens. And the best you can come up with is dumping frogs on everyone? That sounds like the kind of punishment an adolescent boy would come up with. What are you doing to do next? Spray everyone with cooties and make them eat boogers?

Let's also not forget that this was the second plague. The first plague was to turn all the water in Egypt into blood. So. To recap. You start off by turning the Nile into blood, and you follow it up with a bunch of frogs? You may have surpassed Weezer as the kings of starting out with something strong (The Blue Album, Pinkerton) and following it with something SHITTY (all the rest of their albums).


Middlebrow Answer: Death of the First-Born (10th)
This one is pretty aggro. No more gnats and insects. We're going for the throat here. Death is pretty hardcore, espeically the kind that comes invisibly and only kills your eldest son. I wonder if we could adapt that technology to apply it to DMV workers who take too long.

Of course, all the negative impact of this plague is greatly lessened when we realize that there were probably lots of Egyptian first-born sons who were pricks and who everyone would be happy to see go. Just remember that Benito Mussolini, Charles Manson, and Sylvester Stallone were all first-borns and I think history has shown us that we could have done without them.


Highbrow Answer: Darkness (9th)
After dumping all manner of disease, hail, and animals on the Egyptians, God takes it old-school and gives them darkness so heavy that an Egyptian could physically feel it. Now THAT'S hardcore. He's basically plaguing them with depression. Reminds me of my third grade teacher and her attempts to sadden the class by telling us that the Easter Bunny had murdered Santa Claus.

We in the highbrow elite know that true pain comes not from the external, but the internal. For example, getting hit by your drunken step-father is far less terrible than listening to him hump your mother each night. See what I'm talking about? With that in mind, there's nothing more badass than simply plunging somebody into cave darkness for three days. I don't even have anything funny to say about it. It's just plain awesome.

Best Workout Apparatus?

Lowbrow Answer: Ellipticals
If you ever find yourself on one of these things, do mankind a favor and kill yourself. Are we so wimpy as a people that we can't even run for real anymore? We have to simulate it? I wonder if Darwin's theories account for a species being so stupid that it actually begins to promote its own devolution. Although, as far as signs of Mankind's inherent idiocy goes, the invention of the Elliptical is way down on the list below The Holocaust, The Spanish Inquisition, and Paris Hilton. My god, we're morons.

Using an elliptical is like riding a train to the top of Mt. Everest. Sure, you got to the top. But it doesn't really count, ya know? I can't wait until we start applying this technology to other arenas of everyday life. Soon, you'll be able to graduate college by partying for four years, write music by playing Guitar Hero, and give your partner an orgasm just by watching the sex scene from "The Thomas Crown Affair" together.


Middlebrow Answer: Rowing Machines
At least you're working hard with this guy. Ergging, as it's called, is pretty hardcore and can get you into great shape. It works your arms, your legs, and your cardio, all while making a cool "Shwoosh" sound every time you recoil. The harder you pull, the louder it gets, the more people turn to watch, the cooler you feel and look, the more popular you become, the more ass you get at the gym. Easy, right?

It does, however, look like you're part of an elaborate Monty Python sketch when you're on these because you're basically rowing to nowhere. Plus you're often surrounded by large, white, rich men who all rowed at Oxford or Cambridge or Yale and are getting a quick workout in. So unless you can make witty comments on the recent Parliamentary Tariff Amendments or on the Eating Club system at Princeton, you're better off somewhere else.


Highbrow Answer: Chin-up bars
Remember when working out meant you actually had to work hard? When it didn't require electricity? When there weren't personal trainers, heart monitors, Nike moisture-wicking material, or iPods? No? You don't remember? I didn't think so. That's why you never played varsity basketball in high school, you pampered swine.

For those of you who haven't ever done chin-up workouts, they're hard. Like, really hard. And if I've learned anything about being highbrow, it's that it's painful. Look, if Freud can elect to go off his pain medicine days before he dies of mouth cancer so that he can understand true human pain in his final hours, then you can stop complaining and get your blubbery ass onto a chin-up bar for five minutes every day.

Best Keyboard Instrument?

Lowbrow Answer: Piano
I can name at least forty songs right here, right now, that feature the piano and are utterly shit. For every "Pyramid Song" there are a hundred "Wherever You Go's." It's like every crappy pop star in the world sees a piano as a chance to write a half-assed ballad. The piano is the toothless, one-legged Parisian hooker of the music world; everybody's had a go, but nobody's really gotten anything good out of it.

If we eliminate the piano from modern music, we get rid of Chris Martin, Billy Joel, and The Fray all in one go. Plus we never have to hear, "I'm not a girl" ever again. Sorry Phillip Glass, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice.


Middlebrow Answer: Organ
As a rule, anything that Johan Sebastian Bach likes, I like. Which means the organ is high on my list. I'm sorry, but I don't want to live in a world without the Toccata and Fugue in D minor. Look at an organ. They're huge, they're gleaming, and they're beautiful. Plus, most of them have like, nine different keyboards, which would intimidate any normal musician. Just imagine trying to box a version of Mohammad Ali that had nine arms. No, thanks. He's scary enough with just two.

There isn't much modern music that features the organ, although The Arcade Fire's "Intervention" is pretty great. As an instrument, it can be a bit heavy. Think of it this way. If a guitar is "Ryu" from Street Fighter, than an organ is "E. Honda."


Highbrow Answer: Harpsichord
This bad boy was invented in the 1500s and without it, you don't get the Baroque period, which means you don't get Vivaldi, Handel, Bach, Monteverdi, or Corelli, which means you don't get The Messiah, The Goldberg Variations, or the Gloria, which means you don't get some of the best classical music on the planet, which means you die an uncultured and uninspired proletariat swine. Read your history books. The Harpsichord will be the one making everything happen. Kind of like Jesus or Ryan Seacrest.

Have you ever listened to a Harpsichord? No? Check it out here. Or here, if you want to hear it in a more modern setting. It produces the kind of sound I imagine Kant writing to. Or Rousseau debating Montesquieu to. Trust me. Throw on some sweet harpsichord as background music the next time you're having sex. I guarantee you'll have the best orgasm of your life. At least the most highbrow.

Best Way to Chat Online?

Lowbrow Answer: Facebook Chat
Wait, Facebook has a chat feature? When the hell did this happen? And whose dumb idea was it? One day I'm on there checking out bikini photos of this hot girl I knew in high school, and then suddenly I'm getting messages from some douchebag I went to soccer camp with twelve years ago. Facebook chat is like having FedEx deliver four beagle puppies to your doorstep that you didn't order. Sure, they're cute, but I didn't sign up for this shit.

As if Facebook weren't already encouraging enough to stalkers, now you can chat with the girl whose pictures you're saving on your hard drive? The next step will be a feature that lets you digitally drop a roofie into somebody's drink.


Middlebrow Answer: G-Chat
Does anybody else feel like only smart people have Gmail accounts? Like all the morons of the world are still using Hotmail or Yahoo? G-chat is unobtrusive and doesn't come with annoying sound effects. Plus the whole thing is linked into your email, which is a bonus. It's like having a car that also makes Pizza.

Although, I can't help but feel like "G-chatting" is something rappers do. Kinda like "pimp-slapping" or "Crip-walking." Maybe I should stick more to white people activities, like polo-playing, dinner-party-having, or minorities-oppressing.


Highbrow Answer: AIM
The only way people are going to find you on this bad boy is if you give them your screename. And even then it can be tricky. I'll be forever grateful to AIM for allowing me and my friends to be known as things like "KoolDudeSoccer," "PearlJamAcolyte32," and "HotGirlKisser74" for many of our formative middle school years.

Plus, check out the logo. It looks like a Keith Haring doodle. Nothing like switching on your favorite piece of software and being greeted by a little piece of modern art. Now THAT'S highbrow.

Best Coca-Cola Slogan?

Lowbrow Answer: "America's Favorite Moment" (1937)
Really? A Coke is America's favorite moment? I'm not so sure about that. I feel like on the list of an average American's "Favorite Moments," having a Coke is on page six, just above "giving the lint from my belly-button to somebody I love."

The best part about this slogan is that is came out during The Great Depression. A time during which Americans could barely afford a jug of milk for their kids, let alone a cold, refreshing bottle of Coke. Calling it "America's Favorite Moment" is like calling Polo "America's pastime." Idiots.


Middlebrow Answer: "Around the Corner from Anywhere" (1927)
Is it me, or does this sound like the name of a Hootie & The Blowfish album? This is the sort of vague attempt at semi-poetry that you hear from seventh grade English students or bad college songwriters. Coke should have sold his phrase to John Mayer. I bet he's really mad that he didn't think of it first.

I do like that if you take this slogan literally, there's Coke everywhere! Stuck at work? Don't worry! There's Coke around the corner! Robbing a bank? Have a Coke on your way out! Raping a sheep behind your neighbor's barn? Grab a cold Coke! Thanks, Coke! You're always there when I need you!


Highbrow Answer: "The Great National Temperance Beverage" (1906)
"Temperance" is defined as "moderation and self-restraint, as in behavior or expression." Remember the good old days when commercial products actually promoted moderation and restraint? Nowadays, it wouldn't surprise me to see an from Toyota telling me to drive drunk because that way I have a higher chance of destroying my Toyota and needing to buy another one. "The Toyota Prius: It's more fun when you're fucked up."

I'm not even sure what this really means. I feel like they could be talking about some kind of Holy water or something. The whole thing just sounds epic. I think I'm going to start calling my bed, "The Great National Temperance Sanctuary." Then maybe I'll finally get some women in there.

Best Retired Crayola Color?

Lowbrow Answer: Magic Mint (introduced in 1990, retired in 2003)
This one is so terrible it only lasted thirteen years. I'm not sure why they decided to suddenly associate the mint flavor with the color blue. Everybody knows that mint is green. It's part of the American flavor heritage. Grape is purple, lemon is yellow, licorice is black, and mint is green. Dumbasses. Next thing I know, you'll try to tell me that brown is cinnamon instead of poop.

"Magic" is one of those words that marketing people to use to make boring shit sound awesome. Kinda like "Super" or "Ultra." It's like dressing your crackhead, prostitute girlfriend in an evening gown before you take her to meet your parents. I can just picture it: "Hi mom and dad. This is my girlfriend, Ultra-Tanya."


Middlebrow Answer: Maize (introduced in 1949, retired in 1990)
What a nice earth tone this is. Reminds me of the sand on all the beaches I've been too that you wouldn't be able to pronounce, you prole filth. I bet most kids don't even know what this is and are confused about why a color would be named after a labyrinth. This is one of only seven colors of the standard 133 that has a 'Z' in it, and of those seven, it's the only one you'd want to use. The others all have dumb names like "Razzmatazz" or "Blizzard Blue" and look like the colors that a dog throws up after its eaten a pie.

I'd bet money that this was retired because somebody figured out that it's probably racist toward Native Americans. You might disagree with me on this, but remember, Crayola is the company that named a pink color "flesh." They are not the most accepting of minority cultures. I'm surprised this color isn't called "Broken Treaty" or "Smallpox Skin."


Highbrow Answer: Raw Umber (introduced in 1958, retired in 1990)
Now this is a color. Look at it. Absorb it. Taste it in your eye pallet. Feels like the kind of color you'd want for the binding of your biography, huh? That or the frame of your portrait that hangs in the Louvre after your die. Sorry, too late, I've got dibs on both. This color gives me a socialist boner. Can I get custom-made condoms in Raw Umber so that even my humppery is highbrow?

"Umber" is defined as an earth consisting chiefly of a hydrated oxide of iron and some oxide of manganese. So let me get this straight. You've got colors with names like "Cotton Candy" and "Wild Watermelon" and "Blush" but THIS is the one you choose to retire? Are you TRYING to be lowbrow swine? I'm insulted that this color ever had to sit in the same box with all the others. Couldn't it have had a separate little apartment on the back?

Best Spanish Painter?

Lowbrow Answer: Picasso
I feel like I'm reading a children's book with this guy. We get it. You put the nose above the eyes. How groundbreaking. Next thing we know, you'll be putting men in female clothing. Outrageous! Look, I just took a dump in my hand and drew a funny face on the canvas with it. Can we hang it next to Guernica?

Picasso's full name is Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso. No, really. What a douchebag. It's like those annoying upper middle class white women who hyphenate their names when they get married. Teabag me, Emily Robinson-Robideaux-Westingfield.


Middlebrow Answer: Goya
This guy was dark. Although, I guess that's to be expected when you live through Cholera, the Peninsular War, the Spanish Inquisition, and deafness. He is responsible for such works as Saturn Devouring his Son, Courtyard of Lunatics, and The Disasters. I'm sorry, but "Courtyard of Lunatics" is the coolest phrase I've ever heard. It sounds like a Radiohead album. Or a Dostoyevsky novel.

The problem with Goya is that he spent much of his early years working for the Spanish crown as the court's commissioned painter. There are few things more full of lazy ineptness and blue-blooded idiocy than a monarchy. Especially the Spanish one. Living in Spain during Goya's lifetime is like getting onto a schoolbus that's being driven by a Labrador retriever: you just know something could go horribly wrong at any moment.


Highbrow Answer: Dali
You have to hand it to any artist who basically spends his life mocking the established order of modern art. Not just a painter, Dali branched out into film, sculpture, and photography as well. His "Un Chien Andalou" is one of the first modern films and is famous for a scene in which a woman's eyeball is slashed with a razor. I'd say that's a pretty highbrow thing to be famous for. The only thing I'm famous for is the picture I drew in 3rd grade that won "Best Depiction of a Pig" at the Passaquitta County Fair.

Let's quickly recap some Dali highlights:
- His wife was senile and slowly poisoned him until he couldn't draw anymore.
- He made art critic Brian Sewell lie on a statue of Christ and masturbate for him in the late 60's.
- He dehydrated himself in a bizarre attempt to reach a state of suspended animation.
If those don't sound like tales from a the life of tortured highbrow genius, I don't know what does. Maybe I should marry a lunatic and have her poison me. Then my picture of a pig would be in the Prado.

Best Sexual Position?

Lowbrow Answer: Doggystyle
Hey dickhead, she's a woman, not a beagle. At least have the common courtesy to look her in the face while you're ramming your undersized man-rocket into her cave of wonders. And stop slapping her ass like you're testing out pork at a Georgia meat market. You aren't a butcher, you're an unemployed twenty-something with body odor and a bad haircut.

I personally make it a rule for myself never to do anything that more than 25% of rappers endorse. That's why I don't have gold teeth, don't drive a lowrider, don't fuck doggystyle, don't pass the courvoisier, and never put my hands in the air like I just don't care. I do care. And courvoisier tastes like paint thinner.


Middlebrow Answer: Missionary Position
Don't underestimate the classics. They're classics for a reason. Nice face-to-face contact, good angle for G-spot tickling, and a solid opportunity for some hair-pulling and back-scratching; those priests knew what they were doing back in the day.

Of course, this position is named after religion, and you know how those of us in the highbrow elite feel about religion. What are missionaries doing having sex anyway? I thought that was part of the vow of chastity. Does this mean there's some inconsistency in religion? No! Next thing you'll tell me is professional wrestling isn't real.


Highbrow Answer: Girl on Top
Now here's the money button. Just lay back, relax, and let your partner piledrive your gigglestick. Any highbrow man knows that subverting the societal norm of male dominance is always the right choice. Just look at Hannah Arendt or Marie Curie. On a side note, I bet Marie Curie would rock my fucking world. I can just picture her tying me to a bed and doing strange things to my peen-monster with uranium.

Remember, without putting a woman in charge, we would never have gotten signal flares, white-out, chocolate chip cookies, or push-up bras. And I'm sorry, but I just can't live without those last two.

Best Motorcycle Company?

Lowbrow Answer: Suzuki
I feel I'm riding a prop from The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. At any moment it could transform into a robotic dog and eat me. I know they're fast, but the motor is so wussy. It sounds like a vibrator on steroids when I rev the engine. I'm trying to look badass here, not make everybody think I'm riding a giant dildo on wheels.

Sport bikes as a whole are poorly designed. Look at the way you have to sit: all bent over forward. You're just asking to be hurled head-first over the handlebars and into a tree in that position. Although, considering the douchebags who generally own these bikes, maybe that's the point. Suzukis are Natural Selection's way of killing off morons.


Middlebrow Answer: Harley-Davidson
They're the benchmark of motorcycles around the world. Getting a new one requires applying to a waiting list in some cases. The bikes themselves have a design flaw in the engine dating back to when the company was founded that causes the pistons to fire at uneven intervals. It's that flaw that leads to the trademark Harley "growl" that the engines make. Baddass. Perfection born of imperfection.

Of course, most people who ride these things are inbred yocal hicks who voted for George W. Bush in the last three elections. (Yes, I'm aware he wasn't on the ballet in 2008. That's the point of the joke, dumbass.) I've never met more guys called "Bubba" than when I attended a Harley rally in New Hampshire a few years ago. Most of the women there had bigger guts than the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line. Although, to be fair, their mullets were pretty hot.


Highbrow Answer: Indian Scout
Created in 1901, this is America's first motorcycle. Used primarly in the 40's and 50's, the Indian Scout has become an almost mythic creature in the motorcycle world. Steve McQueen even owned a few. And I'm sorry, but anything Steve McQueen does is awesome. Look at the guy. What a legend. He could take a dump on my face and I'd thank him for it.

You may remember this bike as the one used by New Zealander Burt Munro to set a number of land speed records in the 1960's. If New Zealanders approve of it, it has to be highbrow. These are the same people who came up with the Haka and the All-Blacks rugby team. I wouldn't question their judgement, lest you feel the wrath of a thousand Maori warriors with facial tattoos.

Best Character from "Doug?"

Lowbrow Answer: Chalky Studebaker
Cut the sweetheart routine douchebag, you're not fooling anyone. You're the kind of guy who's going to grow up to be the president of some fraternity at Florida State. You'll probably get arrested your senior year for date-raping Beebe Bluff. And is that a letterman's sweater you're wearing? Are we suddenly in 1954?

You're talented at everything, except drawing. Big surprise. You can dunk a basketball and hit a homerun, but you have no idea about high culture or visual art. Meathead. It's idiots like you that kept thinkers and artists like me from getting laid in high school.


Middlebrow Answer: Patti Mayonnaise
Okay, so your mom is dead and your dad is in a wheelchair. Those broken dreams alone are enough to pull you up out of simple lowbrowdom. You also appreacite the fine arts and dance ballet. Most of all, your shortish haircut demonstrates some knowledge of women's liberation and progressive thinking. I know you're just a cartoon character, but I'd totally do you.

Of course, you're also kind of a bitch. Here's Doug, this sweet, wonderful dude, and you, of course, ignore his romantic advances. Reminds me of EVERY girl I knew in middle school. And what's with your outfit? Could you be any trampier? Your skirt is like two and a half feet above your knees. How do you expect to be taken seriously when you look like a child prostitute from Belgrade?


Highbrow Answer: Skeeter Valentine
What a legend. His skin is blue, his nose is huge, and he dresses like he's a model in some sort of neo-Japanese fashion show. You'll never see him with a girl, because he doesn't concern himself with the inane ramblings of middle-school females. He's too busy contemplating existence to worry about pedestrian activities like sex.

Skeeter's also a genius. No, literally. The more devoted of you will remember the episode when Doug goes to his house and discovers that Skeeter has been reading highbrow books on philosphy. In essence, he's an animated character who's spouting hypotheses on Kant's Critique of Pure Reason. You're a real human being and you can't even do that.

Best Natural Disaster?

Lowbrow Answer: Earthquakes
Should I really be impressed with something that just shakes my house? I could make the same thing happen on my own with a herd of elephants. Or a jackhammer. Oh no. The earth is shaking. Big fucking deal. Make some shit explode and then I'll be impressed. Until then, stop acting like a spoiled two-year-old on a temper tantrum.

And that's the best we could for a name? Just call it what it does? Really? In that case, I've got some new names for things:

1. High School Cheerleader ------------ DaddyMakeSmiler
2. Pornography ------------ BonerBringer
3. Valium------------MommyMakeMoreFunner
4. Male Gynecologist ------------Can'tGetPussyByHimselfer


Middlebrow Answer: Volcanoes
You have to appreciate the aesthetic of these guys. A plume of hot, glowing orange liquid rockets out of the earth and up into the sky. Kinda like when I ejaculate. Volcanoes also usually trigger landslides, mudslides, and ash storms as well. They're combo disasters. It's like getting a hooker who will sleep with you and then clean your house and walk your dog. Not bad.

These are basically the earth just throwing up, and nothing is more lowbrow than throwing up. (see here). Geologists can also predict them pretty accurately, which takes all the fun out of it. What pleasure is there in millions of tons of lava spewing out on the earth if it isn't going to land on anybody because they've all evacuated? Boooring.


Highbrow Answer: Limnic Eruptions
Ever heard of these? I didn't think so. These bad boys occur when large masses of Carbon Dioxide suddenly erupt from deep lake water, which basically suffocates anything in the area. No mess, no explosions, no warnings. Just a silent, invisible, peaceful cloud of death. Man, I'd love for one of these things to happen inside the MTV headquarters on a day when "The Hills" girls are around.

There have only been two Limnic Eruptions in recorded history, which is baddass. They both occurred in the 80's and they both occurred in Africa. They're sort of like the natural disaster version of Bobby Fischer. (look him up, moron.) People aren't really sure if they exist, but every now and then, they show up, fuck you up, and then disappear for a long while. I'd avoid lakes if I were you. Especially if you notice that all the fish are suddenly dead.

Best Song with "Mmm" in the Title?

Lowbrow Answer: "Mmm Papi" by Britney Spears
I can't be sure, but I feel like there's something vaguely racist about the title of this song. And does this girl ever sing about anything beyond dancing with boys and/or being crazy? I think her songwriters just keep putting the same four words into a bag and pulling them out in random order to write her lyrics. What are the words? Crazy, love, baby, and heart.

Who are the people that are listening to this shit? Look, you like silly dance music? Fine. But I can list you a dozen other artists who do it way better than this idiot. And I've had enough with these pseudo-intelligent twentysomethings who like Britney Spears because they think it's ironic and funny. It isn't. She sucks. And so do they.



Middlebrow Answer: "MmmBop" by Hanson
This is the middlebrow answer by sheer virtue of the fact that at least each of the three girls in this band can actually play a musical instrument. That's more than you can say about Britney Spears. Also, realize that this song was produced by The Dust Brothers. Instant points to Hanson for hanging out with the guys who wrote the soundtrack for "Fight Club" and produced Beck's "Odelay."

On the other hand, what the fuck is an MmmBop? I can't decide if it sounds more like a character from Teletubbies or some sort of anal polyp. Either way, I'm not comfortable with these twerps making up words. Leave that to true artists like Shakespeare, Bjork, or Lil John.



Highbrow Answer: "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by the Crash Test Dummies
Say what you will, but this song rules. The title alone is the most Dadaist thing I've ever heard. Let alone there being no real words, there aren't even any vowels. The song talks about a kid who gets in a car crash, a girl who is covered in melanoma, and a boy who is religiously oppressed by his parents. Hard. Core. I feel like I'm watching a Jean-Pierre Jeunet movie. If you don't know who that is, you're lowbrow swine.

The best part about this band is that its lead singer is a bass. None of this popstar bullshit where the lead singer is a high tenor with a girlie voice. This guy is deep. His balls have dropped and are hanging down somewhere near his knees. He belongs in a Wagnerian Opera, singing the part of Wotan. If you don't know who that is, you're lowbrow swine.

Best Fictional Reptile?

Lowbrow Answer: Reptile from Mortal Kombat
Let me get this straight. You serve an evil overlord from a different dimension by fighting in an ultimate death tournament against a bunch of other warriors? I don't get it. Are you paid by the hour? What are the medical benefits like? If I were an evil overlord and you were working for me, I think I'd have you mow my lawn and balance my checkbook way before I'd have you enter a death tournament. That just seems like a waste.

Don't you have any other skills besides ripping dudes' arms off and eating people's skulls? No? My god, you're lowbrow. Listen, man. Why don't you go back to school and get your GED. Then you could trade in your karate outfit for a bus driver's uniform or a janitor's smock.


Middlebrow Answer: Godzilla
He tramples cities, breathes nuclear fire, and he battles other gigantic monsters. He's basically living my dreams every day. And he's got that cool loner thing going on as well. No friends, no family. Just him and the road and the Japanese military. How Kerouac.

Of course, in the end, he always ends up losing to some scientist who figures out a way to send him back down into the ocean. It's like, dude, come on. When you climb out of the ocean, start by eating all the scientists. You see a little guy in a white lab coat running around, grab that bitch and swallow him whole. Then you can relax and enjoy yourself in Tokyo.


Highbrow Answer: The Serpent from the Bible
Talk about salesmanship. This guy convinces two people to do the one thing they're not allowed to do. Literally the one thing. It would be like getting the NRA to lobby for gun control or Hitler to marry Sarah Silverman. And you know he's an educated elite to pull that kind of stunt off right under God's nose.

If you think about it, The Serpent is basically responsible for Original Sin. Now that is highbrow. Just imagine what it's like when he goes back to his high school reunion. Some people have written books, maybe one guy is a senator. And The Serpent? Oh, you know, no big deal, he just caused ORIGINAL SIN. Baddass.

Best Naomi Watts Movie?

Lowbrow Answer: King Kong
While I hesitate to write this because I don't want to offend Greenpeace, "King Kong" blows. I think Peter Jackson has played too much Rampage. This movie is three and a half hours long, the story drags like crazy, and Jack Black is basically a talking human turd. I feel like whenever a problem arose on the set, Jackson just said, "Let's add another action sequence with giant animals." Way to go, Pete.

Why isn't anybody else super weirded out by all the implications of Bestiality in this film? I'm surprised the Christian right wasn't marching around the outside of the theatre with pictures of aborted fetuses and stuff? Oh, Christian Right. We can always count on you for a little injection of anti-gay, anti-woman, and anti-giant-ape-destroying-New-York-and-boning-a-blonde-chick sentiment.


Middlebrow Answer: Mullholland Drive
The acting is flawless, the soundtrack is brilliant, and the scene in Club Silencio (see it here) is one of the most jarring and beautiful in all of film. It's also nice to go to a movie that actually pushes you to think. And when I say "think," I mean it in the "Where's the line between fantasy and reality" sort of way, not in the "Whoa, that explosion was awesome, how did they do that" sort of way.

So why isn't this the highbrow answer? Because it's too easy. Telling me you love David Lynch is like telling me that Pablo Picasso is your favorite painter. Oh really, jackass? Is Beethoven your favorite composer? You like William Shakespeare as well? And you love Fellini? Blow me, you unoriginal prick. Go find some real art.


Highbrow Answer: I Heart Huckabees
I didn't have a crush on Mark Walhberg before I saw this film. Now I hear his beautiful Boston accent in my head when I try to sleep and I have his face tattooed on my left testicle. I would have put it on the right as well, but Alec Baldwin is already there. The best part is that this movie also has Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin, Jude Law, and Jason Schwartzman. Watching this is like having sex with a woman who keeps getting more attractive the longer you bone.

And Jon Brion is the man. He did the soundtrack, for those of you playing at home. The whole thing sounds kind of like an adult version of the "Rugrats" music, and it's perfect. Little blips and twirls keep us company as we navigate the story. I want Brion to write the music for my funeral. At least then people will feel relaxed as they mourn the loss of one of the world's great thinkers.

Best Part of the United Kingdom?

Lowbrow Answer: England
Come on, you knew that any country responsible for giving the world the Spice Girls, Cockney accents, and fish-n-chips wasn't going to be very high on the list. And London is one of those cities that's overrun with nothing but tourists and American college kids claiming to be "studying abroad." Sorry, sweetheart, but you should have just rented "Love Actually" and saved your parents the airfare.

And the royal family can suck it. At least in this country, our fake leaders actually go to the office each day and pretend to work. You guys just trot around the world, riding horses with Saudi Arabian princes and playing checkers with Nobel Prize winners. I think Prince William should stop being such a little bitch and get a real job: "Welcome to McDonald's, would you like a Lucozade with your Bangers-and-Mash?"


Middlebrow Answer: Scotland
I'm impressed with any place where men are supposed to be wearing skirts. If you do that here, you get laughed at or hate-crimed. If you do it there, you get laid. And I'm sorry, but your national sport involves throwing telephone poles? And I thought Americans were the only ones overexcited about manliness.

What's the deal with the bagpipes, though. Who invented those things? I feel like the first set must have been made from a bunch of old flutes stuck into a dead cat. I don't deny that they can sound pretty, but you look so ridiculous playing them. It's like some retarded version of the chicken dance where you're just pumping one elbow the whole time.


Highbrow Answer: Wales
First and foremost, the Welsh are responsible for Goldie Lookin' Chain, the best hip-hop group in the history of the planet. They rock a clarinet. Check it out here. Plus look at that flag. No boring St. George's Cross here. No sir. We're putting a crazy red dragon thing on there. Suck on that, Ireland.

This little country also has a town called: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

I shit you not. Look it up. Try putting THAT across the front of your son's soccer jersey for away games. Spoken Welsh is fucking highbrow. It sounds like Chinese filtered through a drunken lisp.