My New Favorite Band is...

Lowbrow Answer: Mumford & Sons
Where they hell did these douchebags come from? All of a sudden, every girl I've ever met is selling her ovaries to get a ticket to a Mumford & Sons concert. I don't get it. They sound like a roofing company or a real estate firm. If you're going to pander to upper-middle class girls with semi-coherent, vaguely poetic ramblings about love, at least have the common courtesy to call yourself "Coldplay" or "John Mayer."

Every girl tells me how dreamy it is that Mumford & Sons used to be homeless and play on the streets of London or wherever. I'm sorry, but women don't like poor dudes. They like diamonds and Audi's and guys who pick up the tab at The Geisha House. I know you like to think that Mumford & Sons are some motley band of starving artists, but they're not. They're on Island Records, for Christ's sake. They probably use hundred-dollar bills to blow coke off Megan Fox's chest.


Middlebrow Answer: Florence and the Machine
Okay, so she's pretty hip. And her voice is sometimes great. And "Dog Days Are Over" is a fucking good song. But I already spent all my energy liking this band back when they were called Metric /La Roux / The Gossip / Goldfrapp / The Yeah Yeah Yeahs / Silversun Pickups. Does the planet really need another tone-deaf anorexic girl mincing around stage in platform shoes? Hey honey, see that thing you're doing where you're not quite hitting any of the notes? That's called going flat.

I don't really get this whole heroin chic look that Kate Moss made famous. You know, that thing where you wear a lycra unitard from the 1980's and you overuse dark blue eye makeup and you wear stilettos that are 15 inches too high and your legs look like fleshy toothpicks and you vomit up every packet of Splenda that you allow yourself to eat and your boyfriend looks like he was kicked out of The Strokes for being too cool. Can somebody explain it to me? Mischa Barton, I'm looking at you.


Highbrow Answer: The London Philharmonic Orchestra
You ever notice how pop music is totally inane and stupid? Yeah, me too. Here's an idea. Don't listen to it. You want well-crafted, profound art? Bach is your boy. Or Mozart. Or Liszt. Or ANY OTHER European classical composer. (Except for Wagner. Antisemitic prick.) As much as I appreciate Katy Perry's futile attempts at harmony, I think I'll stick to Beethoven's fifth. You may have heard of it. It's the one with the 57 separate instrumental lines and 15 sections of syncopated rhythms. Oh, but yeah, "California Gurls" is great too.

It's hard to argue with 40 different instruments all playing the same song. Look, I like Lady Gaga as much as the next guy, but her music really suffers from a distinct lack of contrabassoon. I think that earthy tone could really add some depth to songs like "Pokerface" or "That one where she's dressed like a French sex toy in the video." Mankind has taken the time to invent the English Horn - why not use it? (I will hunt you down and kill you in your sleep if you ever say anything bad about the English Horn. Goddamn miracle of nature.)

Best Keyboard Instrument?

Lowbrow Answer: Piano
I can name at least forty songs right here, right now, that feature the piano and are utterly shit. For every "Pyramid Song" there are a hundred "Wherever You Go's." It's like every crappy pop star in the world sees a piano as a chance to write a half-assed ballad. The piano is the toothless, one-legged Parisian hooker of the music world; everybody's had a go, but nobody's really gotten anything good out of it.

If we eliminate the piano from modern music, we get rid of Chris Martin, Billy Joel, and The Fray all in one go. Plus we never have to hear, "I'm not a girl" ever again. Sorry Phillip Glass, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice.


Middlebrow Answer: Organ
As a rule, anything that Johan Sebastian Bach likes, I like. Which means the organ is high on my list. I'm sorry, but I don't want to live in a world without the Toccata and Fugue in D minor. Look at an organ. They're huge, they're gleaming, and they're beautiful. Plus, most of them have like, nine different keyboards, which would intimidate any normal musician. Just imagine trying to box a version of Mohammad Ali that had nine arms. No, thanks. He's scary enough with just two.

There isn't much modern music that features the organ, although The Arcade Fire's "Intervention" is pretty great. As an instrument, it can be a bit heavy. Think of it this way. If a guitar is "Ryu" from Street Fighter, than an organ is "E. Honda."


Highbrow Answer: Harpsichord
This bad boy was invented in the 1500s and without it, you don't get the Baroque period, which means you don't get Vivaldi, Handel, Bach, Monteverdi, or Corelli, which means you don't get The Messiah, The Goldberg Variations, or the Gloria, which means you don't get some of the best classical music on the planet, which means you die an uncultured and uninspired proletariat swine. Read your history books. The Harpsichord will be the one making everything happen. Kind of like Jesus or Ryan Seacrest.

Have you ever listened to a Harpsichord? No? Check it out here. Or here, if you want to hear it in a more modern setting. It produces the kind of sound I imagine Kant writing to. Or Rousseau debating Montesquieu to. Trust me. Throw on some sweet harpsichord as background music the next time you're having sex. I guarantee you'll have the best orgasm of your life. At least the most highbrow.