Best Keyboard Instrument?

Lowbrow Answer: Piano
I can name at least forty songs right here, right now, that feature the piano and are utterly shit. For every "Pyramid Song" there are a hundred "Wherever You Go's." It's like every crappy pop star in the world sees a piano as a chance to write a half-assed ballad. The piano is the toothless, one-legged Parisian hooker of the music world; everybody's had a go, but nobody's really gotten anything good out of it.

If we eliminate the piano from modern music, we get rid of Chris Martin, Billy Joel, and The Fray all in one go. Plus we never have to hear, "I'm not a girl" ever again. Sorry Phillip Glass, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice.


Middlebrow Answer: Organ
As a rule, anything that Johan Sebastian Bach likes, I like. Which means the organ is high on my list. I'm sorry, but I don't want to live in a world without the Toccata and Fugue in D minor. Look at an organ. They're huge, they're gleaming, and they're beautiful. Plus, most of them have like, nine different keyboards, which would intimidate any normal musician. Just imagine trying to box a version of Mohammad Ali that had nine arms. No, thanks. He's scary enough with just two.

There isn't much modern music that features the organ, although The Arcade Fire's "Intervention" is pretty great. As an instrument, it can be a bit heavy. Think of it this way. If a guitar is "Ryu" from Street Fighter, than an organ is "E. Honda."


Highbrow Answer: Harpsichord
This bad boy was invented in the 1500s and without it, you don't get the Baroque period, which means you don't get Vivaldi, Handel, Bach, Monteverdi, or Corelli, which means you don't get The Messiah, The Goldberg Variations, or the Gloria, which means you don't get some of the best classical music on the planet, which means you die an uncultured and uninspired proletariat swine. Read your history books. The Harpsichord will be the one making everything happen. Kind of like Jesus or Ryan Seacrest.

Have you ever listened to a Harpsichord? No? Check it out here. Or here, if you want to hear it in a more modern setting. It produces the kind of sound I imagine Kant writing to. Or Rousseau debating Montesquieu to. Trust me. Throw on some sweet harpsichord as background music the next time you're having sex. I guarantee you'll have the best orgasm of your life. At least the most highbrow.