Best Use of Duct Tape?

Lowbrow Answer: On a Duct
Really? You couldn't think of anything more creative to do with this than use it for its intended purpose? Don't you know anything about art? The key is to take an object with a specific function and employ it in some other way. Like using a lobster as a phone (Dalí), a urinal as a sculpture (Duchamp), or your penis as a periscope (me and my brother in the tub when we were five). Now THAT'S art.

What the hell is a duct anyway? I've never seen one in my life. My underlings tell me it's something that gets used in ventilation or plumbing or one of those other blue collar arenas that I never deal with. Why would I? That's why God invented Mexicans and people from Buffalo.


Middlebrow Answer: On an Open Would
Band-Aids are for pussies. And what's this racist shit with all of them being peach-colored? Fuck that. White people never need Band-Aids anyway; they're too chickenshit to ever do anything dangerous in the first place. It's tough to hurt yourself when you spend all your time on golf courses or at PTO meetings.

What's better than a Band-Aid? Duct tape. Cut yourself shaving? Duct tape. Get stabbed by a scimitar while on duty in Persia with the Roman Legion? Duct tape. Blow a hole in your chest trying to make a pipe bomb out of a bowling pin? Duct tape. It's tough, it's sticky, and you'll look badass with a big silver bandage. It hurts like a bitch when you rip it off, but you can quit your whining and suck it up.


Highbrow Answer: On a Duck
Stupid ducks pooping all over my dock and putting yeast infections into my lake. You're overweight rats with feathers and wings. Quit walking around on my beach, waking me up in the morning with your incessant quacking. What the hell do you have to talk about? You're a duck. You wake up, eat, poop, eat, poop, and go back to bed. Shut the hell up. It's not like you've got interesting news to share about the Dow Jones.

And I'm sorry, but migration? Really? Just buy a heater, for Christ's sake. If I flew 2,000 miles south every time I got cold, I'd never get anything done. Even if you did decide to go someplace tropical, why the hell would you ever come back? That's like somebody deciding to return to New Jersey after spending 10 years living on a yacht in Polynesia. Just makes no sense.

Best Spanish Painter?

Lowbrow Answer: Picasso
I feel like I'm reading a children's book with this guy. We get it. You put the nose above the eyes. How groundbreaking. Next thing we know, you'll be putting men in female clothing. Outrageous! Look, I just took a dump in my hand and drew a funny face on the canvas with it. Can we hang it next to Guernica?

Picasso's full name is Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso. No, really. What a douchebag. It's like those annoying upper middle class white women who hyphenate their names when they get married. Teabag me, Emily Robinson-Robideaux-Westingfield.


Middlebrow Answer: Goya
This guy was dark. Although, I guess that's to be expected when you live through Cholera, the Peninsular War, the Spanish Inquisition, and deafness. He is responsible for such works as Saturn Devouring his Son, Courtyard of Lunatics, and The Disasters. I'm sorry, but "Courtyard of Lunatics" is the coolest phrase I've ever heard. It sounds like a Radiohead album. Or a Dostoyevsky novel.

The problem with Goya is that he spent much of his early years working for the Spanish crown as the court's commissioned painter. There are few things more full of lazy ineptness and blue-blooded idiocy than a monarchy. Especially the Spanish one. Living in Spain during Goya's lifetime is like getting onto a schoolbus that's being driven by a Labrador retriever: you just know something could go horribly wrong at any moment.


Highbrow Answer: Dali
You have to hand it to any artist who basically spends his life mocking the established order of modern art. Not just a painter, Dali branched out into film, sculpture, and photography as well. His "Un Chien Andalou" is one of the first modern films and is famous for a scene in which a woman's eyeball is slashed with a razor. I'd say that's a pretty highbrow thing to be famous for. The only thing I'm famous for is the picture I drew in 3rd grade that won "Best Depiction of a Pig" at the Passaquitta County Fair.

Let's quickly recap some Dali highlights:
- His wife was senile and slowly poisoned him until he couldn't draw anymore.
- He made art critic Brian Sewell lie on a statue of Christ and masturbate for him in the late 60's.
- He dehydrated himself in a bizarre attempt to reach a state of suspended animation.
If those don't sound like tales from a the life of tortured highbrow genius, I don't know what does. Maybe I should marry a lunatic and have her poison me. Then my picture of a pig would be in the Prado.