Best Band with a Number in its name?

Lowbrow Answer: Blink 182
You named your fourth album "Take off your Pants and Jacket." Really? You're using the punchline of a joke I heard in 5th grade as an album title? Jesus. It wasn't even funny back then. I'm pretty sure the dudes in Blink 182 are just three guys from middle school detention that somebody gave guitars to.

Have you ever heard these little terds play live? Or, should I say, have you ever heard these little terds TRY to play live? Good lord. Guys, I know you've sold like 40 million records, but maybe take a music lesson. Or thirty. See, there are these things called 'tuning' and 'rhythm' that I think it would be super helpful for you to figure out.


Middlebrow Answer: U2
If you forget that Bono can't sing anymore and forget that The Edge is probably balding underneath that little beanie hat and forget that their stage looks like some sort of massive robotic sex toy and forget that they could have replaced the drummer six times by now and nobody would have noticed and forget that some of their songs sound like weird versions of the 'Matlock' theme, then you realize: U2 are fucking good.

'Sunday Bloody Sunday' rocked my face off when I first heard it. The song literally climbed onto my face and had sex with my ears. And god, was it good. And 'Where the Streets Have No Name' is like the greatest tune ever written. It makes ANYTHING feel epic. You could put it underneath a Preparation H commercial and I'd wish that I had hemorrhoids. Barry Manilow could cover it and I'd want to do him. In his butt.


Highbrow Answer: Nine Inch Nails
These guys are so epic that they spell their number out. And I'm always going to support a band who references the death of Christ in their name. It's like how I'll always go home with a girl who tells me she can tie a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue. It's a sure thing that you'll have a good time.

Nine Inch Nails are incredible. They play slow, fast, hard, soft, rock, classical, whatever. Trent Reznor could switch to the bassoon and I'm sure it would sound amazing. He could record himself plucking his own testicle hair and I'd by the album. Plus, come on, how are you going to argue with a guy who has worked with David Lynch. David Lynch is to awesomeness as God is to the world.

Best Naomi Watts Movie?

Lowbrow Answer: King Kong
While I hesitate to write this because I don't want to offend Greenpeace, "King Kong" blows. I think Peter Jackson has played too much Rampage. This movie is three and a half hours long, the story drags like crazy, and Jack Black is basically a talking human turd. I feel like whenever a problem arose on the set, Jackson just said, "Let's add another action sequence with giant animals." Way to go, Pete.

Why isn't anybody else super weirded out by all the implications of Bestiality in this film? I'm surprised the Christian right wasn't marching around the outside of the theatre with pictures of aborted fetuses and stuff? Oh, Christian Right. We can always count on you for a little injection of anti-gay, anti-woman, and anti-giant-ape-destroying-New-York-and-boning-a-blonde-chick sentiment.


Middlebrow Answer: Mullholland Drive
The acting is flawless, the soundtrack is brilliant, and the scene in Club Silencio (see it here) is one of the most jarring and beautiful in all of film. It's also nice to go to a movie that actually pushes you to think. And when I say "think," I mean it in the "Where's the line between fantasy and reality" sort of way, not in the "Whoa, that explosion was awesome, how did they do that" sort of way.

So why isn't this the highbrow answer? Because it's too easy. Telling me you love David Lynch is like telling me that Pablo Picasso is your favorite painter. Oh really, jackass? Is Beethoven your favorite composer? You like William Shakespeare as well? And you love Fellini? Blow me, you unoriginal prick. Go find some real art.


Highbrow Answer: I Heart Huckabees
I didn't have a crush on Mark Walhberg before I saw this film. Now I hear his beautiful Boston accent in my head when I try to sleep and I have his face tattooed on my left testicle. I would have put it on the right as well, but Alec Baldwin is already there. The best part is that this movie also has Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin, Jude Law, and Jason Schwartzman. Watching this is like having sex with a woman who keeps getting more attractive the longer you bone.

And Jon Brion is the man. He did the soundtrack, for those of you playing at home. The whole thing sounds kind of like an adult version of the "Rugrats" music, and it's perfect. Little blips and twirls keep us company as we navigate the story. I want Brion to write the music for my funeral. At least then people will feel relaxed as they mourn the loss of one of the world's great thinkers.