Best Marathon?

Lowbrow Answer: New York City Marathon

Is the New York City Marathon the oldest? Nope. That's Boston. Is it the most competitive? Nope. Chicago and Berlin are in the same month and have better elite fields. Is it the fastest? Nope. That would be Chicago, London, or Berlin. Sorry, NYC, but I'm running out of superlatives here. At least your marathon is the "New-Yorkiest."

This race markets itself as the "World's largest marathon," which means there are thousands of worthless runners in the back of the pack who are taking breaks every two miles to get a hot dog from a street vendor. Sorry guys, but if you're a normal person and it takes you more than five and a half hours to run a marathon, you haven't really "finished." Kinda like how if you're sitting in a room while some guy bones Carmen Electra, you haven't really had sex with her, ya know?

Middlebrow Answer: Antarctic Ice Marathon
It's freezing, it's snowing, and you're at 80 degrees south latitude. The only way to even get to this race is by private plane. And with the exception of the occasional Yeti, there are no cheering fans at this one. You're on your own, sweetheart.

All that being said, come on. There are like five people in this race. All you did was put your marathon in a weird place to get some attention. It's like how Paris Hilton doesn't wear underpants on purpose and then gets out of cars like she's giving birth. I should hold a marathon in the sewers of Detroit and see if I can make some money: "The Motor City Shit Run 2009"


Highbrow Answer: Boston Marathon
This race is money. It's the oldest, it's got heartbreak hill, and it has no title sponsor. It's just, "The Boston Marathon." Remember the good ole days when sports had no title sponsors? When the "TD Banknorth Garden" was just "The Boston Garden" or "Wrigley Field" was just "That Place Where the Cubs Play?"

The only way to officially qualify for this race is to either hit a standard time or give a bunch of money to charity. So the only people in the marathon are either super fast or super nice. If only life were like that. The world would be a far better place if I only ever met people who were really fast marathoners or who gave a ton of money to charity. We'd be a population of tall, lanky
runner philanthropists. I'm pretty sure that's the world Thomas Moore had in mind when he wrote "Utopia."

Best Table Game?

Lowbrow Answer: Beirut (Beer Pong)
Why can't Americans just get drunk? Why do we need all the bells and whistles? Go to a bar in England and they'll drink six Stellas and take two tequila shots and they're ready to go. They don't fuck around with all this drinking game nonsense. If I want to have an orgasm, I don't play tennis with my penis until I get off; I masturbate. Pure and simple.

And why is called Beirut? No wonder the Middle East hates our guts. We take their oil, we call them evil, and we name our drinking games after their cities. I'm surprised we haven't renamed pooping as "Dropping a Saudi Arabia" yet.


Middlebrow Answer: Ping-Pong
This sport proves the idea that context is everything. Play ping-pong with your buddies at college and it looks stupid and lame. Play ping-pong with your buddies at the Olympics and it looks fucking terrifying. Have you ever seen the Chinese play? That shit could take your eye out.

The problem with Ping-Pong is that as cool a game as it is when you take it seriously, it's gotten shit on in Hollywood. Think about it. Football has "Brian's Song." Baseball has "Bull Durham" or "Field of Dreams." And Ping-Pong has "Balls of Fury" or "Ping Pong Playa." Kill me.


Highbrow Answer: Snooker
Snooker is like a clitoris; everybody has heard of it but nobody can tell me what it looks like. After some research, I can tell you that, basically, it's highbrow pool. Most of the balls are red and it's only played in England. Oh, England. Why are you so much awesomer than us with your cool accents and your Clive Owen and your Snooker?

The whole thing is based on the geometry of angles. So, if you're a flaming math nerd with a small portion of fine motor skills, you should be fine. And any pursuit where your ability is directly related to your math skill is automatically highbrow. Just look at rocket science or stochastics. (Don't feel dumb, I don't know what that last one is either.)

Best German Car Company?

Lowbrow Answer: Volkswagen
Who the hell is naming these things? The Jetta? The Rabbit? The Touareg? All of Volkswagen's cars sound like characters from some sort of freaky Japanese Animé. And come on. The Golf? You're naming a car after a sport? What's next, the Ford Ice Hockey? The Toyota Rhythmic Gymnasatics?

"Volkswagon" basically translates to "The People's Car" in English, which means that VW is, by definition, lowbrow. They've basically named their company after the proletariat. Nice work, marketing department.


Middlebrow Answer: BMW
These cars a pretty slick. They run well, they drive fast, and they look nice. That being said, they seem to have a pretty high concentration of assholes behind their wheels. And not the elite, handsome, smarter than you assholes; the dumb, shave their chesthair, wear too much hair gel assholes.

Bavarian Motor Works started off making airplane engines, which is where their logo comes from. A white propeller against a blue sky. Of course, they built war planes for the Third Reich and only switched to cars when the Allies told them they had to stop making bombers. Nazi pricks.


Highbrow Answer: DaimlerChrysler
These are the guys behind Mercedes Benz and Smart, among a host of other brands. So, basically, they're building the classiest cars in the country as well as the most innovative. Nice work, guys.

What impresses me most about this company is that it also builds amazing trucks. Like, big freight-carrying ones. So in the same day, they spit out the best luxury sedans and the best 18-wheelers. THAT'S versatility. It's like Davinci or P. Diddy: anything they touch turns to gold.

Best Peak of The Seven Summits?

Lowbrow Answer: Mt. Kilimanjaro (Africa)
I can think of only three people I know who have climbed this mountain. One is a 55-year-old retired florist, and the other two are the most annoying and nonathletic father/daughter team in history. In other words, this mountain is the Britney Spears of the seven summits: Anyone can do it.

And what's with the name? Apparently, it breaks down as Kilima, which is Swahili for "hill" or "little mountain" and Njaro, meaning "caravan." So let me get this straight. This is the tallest mountain on the continent, and the natives call it "Little Caravan?" Wussy. I bet the other mountains beat the shit out of Kilimanjaro behind Seven Summit High School.


Middlebrow Answer: Mt. Everest (Asia)
Yeah, okay, it's the tallest. But remember. It's not how long your penis is, it's what you do with it. And Everest isn't making anybody cum, if you understand my metaphor. It's too overexposed. Nobody wants to have sex with Ron Jeremy anymore, you know?

Plus, if you find yourself on Everest, you've probably got 87 Sherpas nearby, helping you poop and brush your teeth at high altitude, and chances are that Jon Krakauer is following you. But hey. It IS the tallest.

Highbrow Answer: Denali (North America)
Now THIS is a mountain. No lame translations here: "Denali" is the local name for the mountain, meaning "The Great One." Bad ass. It also requires a larger vertical climb than Everest because it's base isn't on a plateau. Suck on that, Krakauer.

Because of its latitude, this mountain is fucking cold. Temperatures as low as −75.5 °F and windchills as low as −118.1 °F have been recorded on the slopes. So. To recap: more climbing than Everest, better name, and cold as shit. Denali reminds me of Kevin Spacey in "The Usual Suspects:" It's quiet and goes unnoticed until you try to fuck with it. Then it kills you.

Best Civil War Movie?

Lowbrow Answer: Cold Mountain
Who the hell cast this thing? Jude Law? Here's a quick history lesson for you. People who lived during the 1860's didn't have low-sodium, no carb Diet Coke or all-natural, organic open-range, gluten-free chicken. They ate meat and potatoes. That's it. The women didn't look like Nicole Kidman or Renee Zellweger; they looked like Kathy Bates or Liam Neeson.

Don't take a historical event and dump a love story all over it. We didn't want to watch "Titanic" and we don't want to watch this. What's next? "Hearts over Chernobyl?"


Middlebrow Answer: Glory
Morgan Freeman, Denzel Washington, Matthew Broderick, and the always under-appreciated Carey Elwes highlight the story of the first black regiment for the Union.This movie is like getting a blowjob from a cultural history textbook: it feels amazing and you're learning. The scene where they whip Denzel for stealing a pair of shoes is one of the most powerful moments in Cinema.

The downside of this is the whole "group of diverse people come together to acheive the unachievable" theme. Laaaaame. There's nothing more middlebrow than surmounting impossible obstacles. Just look at "Step Up" or "Step Up 2: The Streets."


Highbrow Answer: Gettysburg
It's four and a half hours long, it's extremely accurate, and there are almost no women in it. Sounds like a Noam Chomsky lecture. To actually see what it must have been like to fight at Gettysburg is both terrifying and awesome. Note to self. Stay the fuck away from Little Round Top.

Also, Joshua Lawrence Chamberlin is honestly the most badass American soldier to ever live. He reads highbrow foreign authors, he teaches literature, and he slaughters Confederates. The guy could burn down my house and I'd still go gay for him.

Best Gas Stations?

Lowbrow Answer: ExxonMobile
ExxonMobile is the largest and douchebaggiest gasoline company in the United States. They don't acknowledge same-sex marriages for company benefits, they've been known to bribe third-world country leadership to ensure high profits, and they're accused of knowingly assisting human rights violations in Indonesia, including torture, murder, and rape. Way to go, guys. You make Wal-Mart look like a Mom'n'Pop general store in upsate Minnesota.

Plus, they decided it would be a good idea to dump 10.8 million gallons of crude oil into the ocean in 1989. As if I didn't already hate them enough, now they're going to kill baby seals and pengiuns in Alaska? Fuck you, ExxonMobile. I love baby seals. They're nature's bon-bons.


Middlebrow Answer: BP Global
They use cleaner, ethanol-infused fuel, they're building wind farms and solar panel factories, and most of their stations look like space ships. I wish all the places I went looked like space ships. It would make my visits to the dentist far more enjoyable.

On the other hand, the chief executive of this company is Lord John Browne, Baron Browne of Madingley. Elitist prick. The guy already has more money than I can even imagine, does his name really need to be a whole sentence? This reeks of Bourgeois desperation. Madingley is probably some parking lot in South London that's full of bums and prep school kids buying cocaine.


Highbrow Answer: Citgo
Okay, sorry, but the sign over Fenway Park is cool. It's not often that a corporation manages to become part of a city's cultural landscape. Citgo also sponsored the Cities Service Concerts on NBC radio from 1925 to 1956, which encompassed a variety of vocalists and musicians. Imagine that, a large company giving money to the arts. These days, that's about as rare as a Nicholas Cage movie coming out that anybody is like, super excited to see.

Citgo also gives money to the Boston Marathon and is the largest corporate sponsor of the Muscular Dystrophy Association. These guys are amazing. They're like finding a bag of money where the bag itself is also made of money.

Best Time for Sex?

Lowbrow Answer: Night
Boooooring. You cant' see shit, you're exhausted from the menial job you work, and everyone else in your tiny apartment is quietly sleeping. Having sex at night is like asking Picasso to paint your house; sure, he could do it, but your wasting his potential.

The real issue here is that nighttime sex generally means that the bonesawing is happening in a bed, which is the most boring possible place for it. Come on, you're young and foolish, what are you doing? Go out into the world! Defile a theatre or a Suburu or the playground of a daycare center. Live, man!


Middlebrow Answer: Morning
There are few things better than waking up with some of your manbits in somebody else's mouth, if you understand me. It's like nature's alarm clock. You've probably also got some raging morning wood going here, so there's none of the usual foreplay shenanigans. Just get right to it!

The problem with this one is that the day is waiting for you. As much fun as you're having dressing your girlfriend up like a 14th century Prussian Nun and having her talk dirty to you about the impending Flemish invasion, you both know in the back of your minds that you're only 40 minutes away from being in an office for twelve hours. Buzzkill.

Highbrow Answer: Afternoon
Jackpot. You're awake, you're energized, and you've got all the time in the world to dress up like Mork and Mindy and chase each other around the house. Spice it up by ordering a pizza and answering the door naked.

The best part about the afternoon is that most other people are doing normal things like laundry or taxes while you have you're balls deep in a loved one. Afternoon sex gives you the wonderful opportunity to answer a phone call from your mom while your girlfriend is sitting on your face.