Best Natural Disaster?

Lowbrow Answer: Earthquakes
Should I really be impressed with something that just shakes my house? I could make the same thing happen on my own with a herd of elephants. Or a jackhammer. Oh no. The earth is shaking. Big fucking deal. Make some shit explode and then I'll be impressed. Until then, stop acting like a spoiled two-year-old on a temper tantrum.

And that's the best we could for a name? Just call it what it does? Really? In that case, I've got some new names for things:

1. High School Cheerleader ------------ DaddyMakeSmiler
2. Pornography ------------ BonerBringer
3. Valium------------MommyMakeMoreFunner
4. Male Gynecologist ------------Can'tGetPussyByHimselfer


Middlebrow Answer: Volcanoes
You have to appreciate the aesthetic of these guys. A plume of hot, glowing orange liquid rockets out of the earth and up into the sky. Kinda like when I ejaculate. Volcanoes also usually trigger landslides, mudslides, and ash storms as well. They're combo disasters. It's like getting a hooker who will sleep with you and then clean your house and walk your dog. Not bad.

These are basically the earth just throwing up, and nothing is more lowbrow than throwing up. (see here). Geologists can also predict them pretty accurately, which takes all the fun out of it. What pleasure is there in millions of tons of lava spewing out on the earth if it isn't going to land on anybody because they've all evacuated? Boooring.


Highbrow Answer: Limnic Eruptions
Ever heard of these? I didn't think so. These bad boys occur when large masses of Carbon Dioxide suddenly erupt from deep lake water, which basically suffocates anything in the area. No mess, no explosions, no warnings. Just a silent, invisible, peaceful cloud of death. Man, I'd love for one of these things to happen inside the MTV headquarters on a day when "The Hills" girls are around.

There have only been two Limnic Eruptions in recorded history, which is baddass. They both occurred in the 80's and they both occurred in Africa. They're sort of like the natural disaster version of Bobby Fischer. (look him up, moron.) People aren't really sure if they exist, but every now and then, they show up, fuck you up, and then disappear for a long while. I'd avoid lakes if I were you. Especially if you notice that all the fish are suddenly dead.

Best Song with "Mmm" in the Title?

Lowbrow Answer: "Mmm Papi" by Britney Spears
I can't be sure, but I feel like there's something vaguely racist about the title of this song. And does this girl ever sing about anything beyond dancing with boys and/or being crazy? I think her songwriters just keep putting the same four words into a bag and pulling them out in random order to write her lyrics. What are the words? Crazy, love, baby, and heart.

Who are the people that are listening to this shit? Look, you like silly dance music? Fine. But I can list you a dozen other artists who do it way better than this idiot. And I've had enough with these pseudo-intelligent twentysomethings who like Britney Spears because they think it's ironic and funny. It isn't. She sucks. And so do they.



Middlebrow Answer: "MmmBop" by Hanson
This is the middlebrow answer by sheer virtue of the fact that at least each of the three girls in this band can actually play a musical instrument. That's more than you can say about Britney Spears. Also, realize that this song was produced by The Dust Brothers. Instant points to Hanson for hanging out with the guys who wrote the soundtrack for "Fight Club" and produced Beck's "Odelay."

On the other hand, what the fuck is an MmmBop? I can't decide if it sounds more like a character from Teletubbies or some sort of anal polyp. Either way, I'm not comfortable with these twerps making up words. Leave that to true artists like Shakespeare, Bjork, or Lil John.



Highbrow Answer: "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by the Crash Test Dummies
Say what you will, but this song rules. The title alone is the most Dadaist thing I've ever heard. Let alone there being no real words, there aren't even any vowels. The song talks about a kid who gets in a car crash, a girl who is covered in melanoma, and a boy who is religiously oppressed by his parents. Hard. Core. I feel like I'm watching a Jean-Pierre Jeunet movie. If you don't know who that is, you're lowbrow swine.

The best part about this band is that its lead singer is a bass. None of this popstar bullshit where the lead singer is a high tenor with a girlie voice. This guy is deep. His balls have dropped and are hanging down somewhere near his knees. He belongs in a Wagnerian Opera, singing the part of Wotan. If you don't know who that is, you're lowbrow swine.

Best Fictional Reptile?

Lowbrow Answer: Reptile from Mortal Kombat
Let me get this straight. You serve an evil overlord from a different dimension by fighting in an ultimate death tournament against a bunch of other warriors? I don't get it. Are you paid by the hour? What are the medical benefits like? If I were an evil overlord and you were working for me, I think I'd have you mow my lawn and balance my checkbook way before I'd have you enter a death tournament. That just seems like a waste.

Don't you have any other skills besides ripping dudes' arms off and eating people's skulls? No? My god, you're lowbrow. Listen, man. Why don't you go back to school and get your GED. Then you could trade in your karate outfit for a bus driver's uniform or a janitor's smock.


Middlebrow Answer: Godzilla
He tramples cities, breathes nuclear fire, and he battles other gigantic monsters. He's basically living my dreams every day. And he's got that cool loner thing going on as well. No friends, no family. Just him and the road and the Japanese military. How Kerouac.

Of course, in the end, he always ends up losing to some scientist who figures out a way to send him back down into the ocean. It's like, dude, come on. When you climb out of the ocean, start by eating all the scientists. You see a little guy in a white lab coat running around, grab that bitch and swallow him whole. Then you can relax and enjoy yourself in Tokyo.


Highbrow Answer: The Serpent from the Bible
Talk about salesmanship. This guy convinces two people to do the one thing they're not allowed to do. Literally the one thing. It would be like getting the NRA to lobby for gun control or Hitler to marry Sarah Silverman. And you know he's an educated elite to pull that kind of stunt off right under God's nose.

If you think about it, The Serpent is basically responsible for Original Sin. Now that is highbrow. Just imagine what it's like when he goes back to his high school reunion. Some people have written books, maybe one guy is a senator. And The Serpent? Oh, you know, no big deal, he just caused ORIGINAL SIN. Baddass.

Best Naomi Watts Movie?

Lowbrow Answer: King Kong
While I hesitate to write this because I don't want to offend Greenpeace, "King Kong" blows. I think Peter Jackson has played too much Rampage. This movie is three and a half hours long, the story drags like crazy, and Jack Black is basically a talking human turd. I feel like whenever a problem arose on the set, Jackson just said, "Let's add another action sequence with giant animals." Way to go, Pete.

Why isn't anybody else super weirded out by all the implications of Bestiality in this film? I'm surprised the Christian right wasn't marching around the outside of the theatre with pictures of aborted fetuses and stuff? Oh, Christian Right. We can always count on you for a little injection of anti-gay, anti-woman, and anti-giant-ape-destroying-New-York-and-boning-a-blonde-chick sentiment.


Middlebrow Answer: Mullholland Drive
The acting is flawless, the soundtrack is brilliant, and the scene in Club Silencio (see it here) is one of the most jarring and beautiful in all of film. It's also nice to go to a movie that actually pushes you to think. And when I say "think," I mean it in the "Where's the line between fantasy and reality" sort of way, not in the "Whoa, that explosion was awesome, how did they do that" sort of way.

So why isn't this the highbrow answer? Because it's too easy. Telling me you love David Lynch is like telling me that Pablo Picasso is your favorite painter. Oh really, jackass? Is Beethoven your favorite composer? You like William Shakespeare as well? And you love Fellini? Blow me, you unoriginal prick. Go find some real art.


Highbrow Answer: I Heart Huckabees
I didn't have a crush on Mark Walhberg before I saw this film. Now I hear his beautiful Boston accent in my head when I try to sleep and I have his face tattooed on my left testicle. I would have put it on the right as well, but Alec Baldwin is already there. The best part is that this movie also has Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin, Jude Law, and Jason Schwartzman. Watching this is like having sex with a woman who keeps getting more attractive the longer you bone.

And Jon Brion is the man. He did the soundtrack, for those of you playing at home. The whole thing sounds kind of like an adult version of the "Rugrats" music, and it's perfect. Little blips and twirls keep us company as we navigate the story. I want Brion to write the music for my funeral. At least then people will feel relaxed as they mourn the loss of one of the world's great thinkers.

Best Part of the United Kingdom?

Lowbrow Answer: England
Come on, you knew that any country responsible for giving the world the Spice Girls, Cockney accents, and fish-n-chips wasn't going to be very high on the list. And London is one of those cities that's overrun with nothing but tourists and American college kids claiming to be "studying abroad." Sorry, sweetheart, but you should have just rented "Love Actually" and saved your parents the airfare.

And the royal family can suck it. At least in this country, our fake leaders actually go to the office each day and pretend to work. You guys just trot around the world, riding horses with Saudi Arabian princes and playing checkers with Nobel Prize winners. I think Prince William should stop being such a little bitch and get a real job: "Welcome to McDonald's, would you like a Lucozade with your Bangers-and-Mash?"


Middlebrow Answer: Scotland
I'm impressed with any place where men are supposed to be wearing skirts. If you do that here, you get laughed at or hate-crimed. If you do it there, you get laid. And I'm sorry, but your national sport involves throwing telephone poles? And I thought Americans were the only ones overexcited about manliness.

What's the deal with the bagpipes, though. Who invented those things? I feel like the first set must have been made from a bunch of old flutes stuck into a dead cat. I don't deny that they can sound pretty, but you look so ridiculous playing them. It's like some retarded version of the chicken dance where you're just pumping one elbow the whole time.


Highbrow Answer: Wales
First and foremost, the Welsh are responsible for Goldie Lookin' Chain, the best hip-hop group in the history of the planet. They rock a clarinet. Check it out here. Plus look at that flag. No boring St. George's Cross here. No sir. We're putting a crazy red dragon thing on there. Suck on that, Ireland.

This little country also has a town called: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

I shit you not. Look it up. Try putting THAT across the front of your son's soccer jersey for away games. Spoken Welsh is fucking highbrow. It sounds like Chinese filtered through a drunken lisp.

Best Street Fighter?

Lowbrow Answer: Blanka
Look dude, I know you're a street fighter, so high fashion probably isn't a priority, but does your chest hair really have to match your shorts? I feel like that's a bit overkill. With a haircut and some time at a tanning salon, you could maybe look like Vin Diesel.

Anyone who has played this game knows that the key to Blanka is being able to whack the "Y" button quickly enough so that you're basically always electrified. Which is lame. There's no skill in that. Where's the reward? Imagine if giving a woman an orgasm were as easy as simply tapping a button over and over again as fast as you could. Wait. Maybe that's a bad example...


Middlebrow Answer: Dhalsim
He's stretchy, which is cool. And he wears a necklace made of skulls, which is also cool. Also, he hangs out with a pack of elephants. I feel like he leads a life that would make alot of rappers jealous. Imagine how excited Diddy (Or is it P. Diddy? Puff Daddy? Sean Combs??) would be if he got to wear skulls around his neck and roll up to parties on an elephant. Damn United States and its strict animal regulations.

On the other hand, Dhalsim is kind of a pussy. He wimpers like a little bitch when you smack him, and he's pretty slow for a guy who looks like an anorexic high school cheerleader. He needs to bulk up. He should go talk to Manny Rodriguez or A-Rod. Sorry, baseball fans. Too soon?


Highbrow Answer: Zangief
Upon first examination, this character is totally useless. He's slow, he's ugly, and he lacks any semblance of agility. But after a closer look, you realize he's terrifying. He's got weird plumes of body hair all over his body and he's fucking powerful. Once you take the time to master his moves, you discover that you can break any other character's neck with a head-in-the-crotch-Russian-suplex. Plus his boots look like something Janet Jackson's backup dancers would wear. Awesome.

The best part about Zangief is that he's a socialist. Look at his stage. It's full of miserable, working class communists cheering for something they can neither understand nor draw their attention away from. If you look closely, you can even spot some elderly Bolsheviks, reciting Lenin and preparing for revolution. I love class struggle. It gives me such a history boner.

Best Summer Holiday?

Lowbrow Answer: Independence Day (July 4th)
How do we celebrate the birth of our nation? By blowing shit up. Typical, America. It's so ironically appropriate that it's not even funny. Maybe we should add slave-taking, Indian-killing, and witch-burning to the festivities. Happy birthday, USA!

And of course, what do we eat on the 4th of July? Hot dogs, hamburgers, french fries, and all manner of gluttonous semi-food. I feel like somebody proposed this holiday a long time ago as a joke, but everybody thought he was being serious and went ahead with it. Kind of like how Ugg boots were invented.


Middlebrow Answer: Walpurgis Night (April 30 / May 1)
No big deal, but this holiday is named after Saint Walpurga, who is credited with being the first female author in both England and Germany. Like, the first female author ever. The holiday itself is celebrated with bonfires, drinking, and all sorts of strange ceremonies like the capping of Havis Amanda in Finland or the rafting expedition in Fyrisån. I think American holidays need more rafting. Come to think of it, I think every event needs more rafting. Funerals would be waaaay more fun.

Walpurgis Night is only really heavilly celebrated in Sweden, Finland, Estonia, and Germany. I can think of two others things that only happen in those four countries:
1. The driving of Citroen cars.
2. The wearing of Hummel sports clothing.

Sorry, Walpurgis Night, but you aren't in very highbrow company with those two.


Highbrow Answer: Buhe (August 19th)
In Ethiopia, the boys of the village go from house to house, singing an improvised song to get pennies from their neighbors. Any holiday where music is actually part of the ceremony itself is highbrow. And I don't mean like, Christmas songs. I mean like, actual traditional music that must be sung as part of the celebration itself. Parry Cuomo and "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" can teabag me.

The best thing about this holiday is if the boys' songs are bad or contain poor rhymes, they don't get any money! High. Brow. Imagine if we held our kids to the same standards. If they had to perform a Mozart Aria at every house on Halloween and they didn't get any candy if they went flat. Or if they didn't get any presents on Christmas if their letters to Santa contained grammatical errors. Then maybe we'd be raising intelligent youth in this country instead of the video-game playing butterball zombies we have now.