Best Soda?

Lowbrow Answer: Mountain Dew
I try to avoid ingesting anything whose color does not occur in nature. Although, on second thought, I think large portions of Chernobyl were neon green after the meltdown, so I guess the color of Mountain Drew isn't entirely fabricated.

I love that the marketing strategy for this stuff is four morons doing extreme sports and then telling you to "Do the Dew." "Do the Dew" sounds like something a liquid ecstasy-peddling drug dealer would advise, and do I really want to drink something that's going to make me more like the spikey-haired Arizona State dropout that's standing alone on a plateau wielding an orange mountain bike? How the hell did he get up there in the first place?


Middlebrow Answer: A&W Root Beer
Started in 1919, this root beer was originally the "house wine" of the A&W restaurant chain. It was made by hand and served on tap. Getting root beer on tap is one of those things you dream about when you're an eight-year-old kid, along with chewing 100 pieces of bubblegum at once and watching an angry dinosaur eat your school.

While it's tasty indeed, this shit is peddled by The Great Root Bear. Sorry, but anytime you humanize an animal to sell your product, you're going to lose points. What species of bear is it anyway that wears an orange sweater and cap, and is always carrying a mug of root bear? I feel like he wouldn't survive very long in Northern Alaska. Although, he's probably always warm and rarely thirsty.


Highbrow Answer: Moxie
This shit is disgusting. It's basically carbonated motor oil. Created in 1884, it's older than Coke or Pepsi and is the grandfather of all carbonated beverages. And like most highbrow things in this country, you can only really find it in New England. Ahh, good ole New England. Home to Harvard, Clam Chowda, Yale, MIT, Yankee Swaps, Robert Frost, and Moxie. Impressive, eh?

Still not convinced? Then consider the fact that Calvin Coolidge, E.B. White, and Ted Williams were all avid fans of the drink. How's THAT for celebrity sponsorship. Any drink that prides itself on the affections of an early 20th century president is definitely highbrow. I can just imagine other companies turning to historical figures for their marketing. Nike could create a line of running shoes based on Moses' travels in the desert: "Just Jew It."

Best Pet?

Lowbrow Answer: A Dog
Owning a dog is like having a child that never gets older than two. Newsflash: two-year-old children suck ass. They run into stuff, they poop in your yard, and they can't be left alone. I don't get it. Is having a golden retriever bring you back a tennis ball every time you throw it really that rewarding? If I threw a tennis ball and he brought me back a 17th century oil painting, then maybe I'd be impressed.

I'm also not down with the whole eternal optimism thing. You come home, the dog is happy. You turn on the TV, the dog is happy. Your father's face melts off in a horrible mining accident, the dog is happy. Sorry pooch, but the world is not full of smiles and rainbows and ice cream. It's full of suffering and disease and circus clowns with AK47's. Have the sense to be depressed once in a while. Dumb dog.


Middlebrow Answer: A Box Turtle
Reptiles rule. You don't think so? I'm sorry, are your ancestors dinosaurs? Is anyone on your family tree three stories tall with jaws that could crush a Buick? I didn't think so. These guys are low maintenance, they look pretty, and they spend most of their time chilling in the sun. Man, that actually sounds pretty good. I should start dating a Box Turtle.

Box Turtles are, however, a little wimpy. If shit goes bad, they just hide in their shell and hope it all works out? Fuck that. I want a pet that will fight for my honor when bullies call me names, not one that will retreat inside his shell while I get wedgied and noogied by the lacrosse team. Grow a pair, Box Turtle.


Highbrow Answer: A Slow Loris
This, my friends, is a pet. You can only really get them in Southeast Asia, so pack your bags for Jakarta. They're pre-evolutionary chimpanzees that hang out in trees and slowly eat oranges. And their defense mechanism is something called Dynamic Locomotion, which is when they move with the same pace and rhythm as the leaves around them to blend in and go unseen by predators. So, basically, they're Mini Monkey Ninjas. I want one. Or twelve.

They're also endangered, which makes having one illegal in most places. But having a pet Loris is like owning artifacts that were plundered from The Pyramids: you shouldn't really have it, but it's kinda cool that you do.

Best Way to Get Lunch at Work?

Lowbrow Answer: Bring it from home
What are you, eight years old? Did your mom pack that for you? What do you have there? A ham and cheese sandwich on white bread? And a Jello cup? How precious. Let's go play on the monkey bars after you finish those Dunkaroos. (If you just got nostalgic when I mentioned Dunkaroos, punch yourself in the face for me.)

The best part here is that your food sits in a Tupperware container all day so that when you finally eat your crappy sandwich, it smells like sterilized old people. Mmmm, tastes like geriatric care.


Middlebrow Answer: Buy it at a restaurant
At least here you don't have to do any work. You just hand your hard-earned dollars to some acne-faced prole making minimum wage and he'll whip something up for you. He might spit it in your food first, but hey, just think of it as an added shot of protein.

Of course, any restaurant in a business district will be packed during the lunch rush, so you're forced to stand in line with a hundred other people who are dressed identically to you and just as unhappy in corporate America as you are. And you get that same depressing feeling like when you show up at an orgy and everyone in the room, including you, is a little overweight. It's just sad.


Highbrow Answer: Don't eat lunch
Even the absolute best lunch foods are horrifying. Who invented this shit? It's all sandwiches or fried meat. Or both. You aren't some mushy-brained invalid; you're highbrow. You don't need a break three hours after you get to work to surround yourself with morons munching away on personal pizzas from Papa Gino's and talking about whether the Boston Red Sox made the right decision to pull David Ortiz from the lineup. Kill me. And the Red Sox.

And what's with lunchtime turning everything into a salad? Potato salad, macaroni salad, seafood salad. Don't we just eat food anymore? Do we need to dress it up in salad every time? Look, let's say I'm getting into bed with a naked girl. Sure, some kinky role-playing or lusty foreplay is fine now and then, but at the end of the day, I just want some simple, meat-and-potatoes fucking. Call me old fashioned.

Best Olympic Winter Sport

Lowbrow Answer: Men's Ice Hockey
Do we really need another chance to watch toothless morons run into each other at 45 mph? Already nobody watches the NHL, you really think people are waiting with baited breath for that awesome match between Estonia and Belarus? I doubt it. Maybe they could spice it up a little and use a live puppy instead of a puck. Then I'd watch. Or at least maybe set my TiVo.

Keeping Ice Hockey in the Olympics is like putting a goat skeleton in a natural history museum. Sure it makes sense, but if we're going to the natural history museum, we're going to see the Velociraptors and tyrannasaurs, not the lame goat skeleton. Fucking goats with their gross cheese and crazy facial hair.


Middlebrow Answer: Bobsledding
Hey guys, I have an idea. Let's dress up like condoms, stick a big ice skate in our asses, and shoot down a long frozen tube as fast as we can. It'll probably feel something like being birthed by a polar bear. Oh, and if we crash, there's a good chance our necks get broken.

Okay, I can talk shit about Bobsledding all I want, but we all know that it's kind of awesome. It's like every 11-year-old boy's dream: to ride in a rocket with your three best friends. That and seeing a boob. Just one is fine. They're only eleven, they aren't greedy.


Highbrow Answer: Biathlon
Combining weapons with sports is the best idea I've ever heard. Let's add land mines to the NFL or use hand grenades instead of baseballs. Then maybe I'd feel like professional athletes' inflated salaries were deserved.

This sport started in 1861 when Norway's Trysil Rifle and Ski Club began training soldiers to ski and shoot as a form of national defense. So let's just get this straight. In 1861 America, we're blowing the crap out of each other in the first year of the Civil War. In 1861 Norway, they're skiing all day and then shooting at targets. Now that's highbrow. I gotta move to Scandinavia. Get myself a little hut in the snowy woods where I can read Engels all day and masturbate to lurid pictures of Arctic Foxes.

Best Flightless Bird?

Lowbrow Answer: Turkeys
Was somebody making a joke when these things were invented? Huge fat body, little tiny bald head, and a goatee made of skin. Consequently, I'm pretty sure "Skin Goatee" is the name of Jenna Jameson's latest project. The turkey did get a bit unlucky with the whole Thanksgiving thing. Imagine if there were a holiday that was basically dedicated to eating you. Probably sends your life insurance premium through the roof.

And what's with the gobble? It sounds like somebody trying to play a trumpet underwater. Of all the scary animal noises in the world, from growls to roars, the turkey gets the gobble? That's some genetic misfortune if I've ever seen it. Kinda like being born with only one eye or having Paris Hilton as a sister.


Middlebrow Answer: Penguins
Instant points for always wearing a tuxedo and for hanging out in an environment that can get as cold as 1800 degrees below zero or some crazy shit. I admire your class in the face of certain death. Reminds me of death row inmates who insist on brushing their teeth and combing the hair for their big day.

Here's the bad news, fellas. You all look like butlers. Or limo drivers. Or waiters, depending on the restaurant. You also spend most of your time sliding around on your belly and swimming, which basically means you spend all day in a water park. Highbrow people spend all day lamenting the fall of humanism, not plunging down The Geronimo at Surf Coaster.


Highbrow Answer: Silkies
Look at this thing. Have you ever seen a more arrogant-looking animal in your life? I want to beat it up right now and I've never even met one. Its feathers are soft and silky (hence the name), it has blue earlobes, and it's one of the only birds in the chicken family with five toes instead of only four. I can just see it strutting around the forest, mocking the other animals by waving its five fingers and reciting Proust.

The silkie was first discovered by Marco Polo, who wrote about "chickens with fur-like plumage" during his travels in the 13th century. Badass. Being in Marco Polo' s journals is kind of like being in the Bible. Middle school-age children will be forced to read about you for the rest of time.

Best Band that Goes by an Acronym?

Lowbrow Answer: BTO
As if Canada weren't already lowbrow enough by calling its dollar the "Loonie," they're also home to BTO. Or as I like to call them, "Please turn this shit off, it's hurting my ears." This is one of those crappy "classic rock" bands that your dad likes because it reminds him of that time when he was younger and his penis still worked.

Their biggest hits are "Taking Care of Business" and "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet." Really? Those are your hits? Are you just writing music specifically to be used in Toyota commercials? And what's with all the stuttering? "B-b-baby you j-j-just ain't seen n-n-nothing yet?" B-b-blow M-m-me.


Middlebrow Answer: REM
You can't really dispute their impact on alternative music. Without them, you don't get Nirvana, Radiohead, Pearl Jam, or Coldplay. Okay, so we could do without that last one, but still. You get the point.

Then again, I feel like Michael Stipe writes his lyrics by just stringing together various words he hears at ninth grade poetry slams: "My heart is a heart and big clouds rain down water in the rainfall waters glow like sunny skies in my eyes and my love for you is a badger." Come on, Stipe. There's gotta be something better than that in that shiny dome of yours.


Highbrow Answer: KMFDM
Ever heard of these guys? Probably not if you don't like early German industrial music. This band is so highbrow that they were formed in 1984 to provide live music for a piece of weird German performance art which is, in and of itself, highbrow. The letters stand for "Kein Mehrheit Für Die Mitleid", which loosely translates to "no mercy for the masses". Marx would be jerking off to these guys if he were still alive today.

KMFDM has been demonized in the media for supposedly contributing to not one, not two, but three separate school shootings, including Columbine. In each case, the shooters listed KMFDM as a favorite band. And while school shootings are tragic and shitty, if people are trying to blame them on your band, then you're probably saying some shit that nobody wants to hear. Kinda like Martin Luther and the Catholic Church. Hiiiiiighbrow.

Best Tetris Piece?

Lowbrow Answer: The "T"
This piece is such a slut. You can fit her in anywhere, the dirty cow. She loves it any way you want to give it to her: right side up, upside down, on her side. If there were Nintendo porn, Yoshi, Mega Man, Bowser, Metroid, and Link would be having a field day with this piece, if you understand what I'm saying.

The "T" is like that vaguely attractive girl you knew in high school who hooked up with all the football and hockey players: she'll make out with anybody as long as it helps her fit in.


Middlebrow Answer: The Long One
Anybody else see phallic imagery here? Especially when you slam this piece down into a hole to get a Tetris. All the lights flash, the score goes crazy, and the little 8-bit sirens blare; it's one big digital orgasm.

This piece is the key to the whole game when you stand it up, but is utterly useless when you lay it down. It's such a drastic turnaround. It's like how Jimmy Fallon is totally endearing and funny one moment, and I want to strangle him with a garden hose the next. I can't handle that type of inconsistency. It frays my fragile socialist nerves.


Highbrow Answer: The Block
This bad boy changes for no man. Rotate him 400 times, he'll always look the same. Why? Because fuck you, that's why. He's too busy sipping high-end whiskey and smoking a pipe to worry about how you can't fit him into whatever mess you've made of the screen.

Using the block is like inheriting a pet Stegosaurus: he'll be fun and interesting if you make room for him, but he can really make a mess of things if you haven't prepared for his arrival.