Best Team in Baseball?

Lowbrow Answer: The New York Yankees
Let's say ten people agree to run a marathon. Nine of the people show up on race day with a pair of a running shoes, a power bar, and Vaseline on their nipples. The tenth person shows up in a Lamborghini Diablo equipped with a 893 million dollar rocket booster that NASA designed. Now. When that tenth person wins the marathon with a world-record time of 4 minutes, am I really supposed to be impressed? Blow me.

The Yankees have the largest payroll in the history of baseball. I'm more impressed when they DON'T win. Remember in Jurassic Park when there's that goat chained to a post? And then the T-Rex shows up and eats the shit out of it? Yankees fans are the kind of people who are super impressed with the T-Rex for eating the goat and who throw a parade in its honor for doing so. Lame.


Middlebrow Answer: The Boston Red Sox
Have you ever noticed how the Red Sox players look like guys you'd want to have at a BBQ? That's because they have this little thing called "personality." They're allowed to have facial hair, they dance after championships, and they don't all have scary military haircuts like Jeter or A-Rod. Are those two dudes in the Marines or something? Boston also has the only scoreboard left in MLB that is operated by hand. Hell yes. Fuck digital technology. I want some arthritic old guy named "Walt" putting my numbers up.

Of course, when you look at it, the Red Sox are just as rich as the Yankees are. They just mask it better. And there's nothing worse than a liar. At least the Yankees are honest: "Hey. We're douchebags. Stay out of our way while we win everything." Boston is like that first boyfriend that every girl has in freshman year of college: "I'm not like the other guys in my frat. I care about your feelings. That's not a roofie in your drink, it's a vitamin C tablet. I wouldn't want my baby to catch a cold."


Highbrow Answer: The Kansas City Royals
Name me five people that root for the Kansas City Royals.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

No? Nothing? Didn't think so.

Nobody likes this team, which makes them FUCKING AWESOME. Supporting any kind of professional sport is lowbrow by definition, but if you're going to do it, at least have the decency to pick a team that's totally useless. Then you can sit in the stands and wax philosophical about the Calvinist idea of Total Depravity and how you're experiencing it at that very moment.

Best Way to Get Lunch at Work?

Lowbrow Answer: Bring it from home
What are you, eight years old? Did your mom pack that for you? What do you have there? A ham and cheese sandwich on white bread? And a Jello cup? How precious. Let's go play on the monkey bars after you finish those Dunkaroos. (If you just got nostalgic when I mentioned Dunkaroos, punch yourself in the face for me.)

The best part here is that your food sits in a Tupperware container all day so that when you finally eat your crappy sandwich, it smells like sterilized old people. Mmmm, tastes like geriatric care.


Middlebrow Answer: Buy it at a restaurant
At least here you don't have to do any work. You just hand your hard-earned dollars to some acne-faced prole making minimum wage and he'll whip something up for you. He might spit it in your food first, but hey, just think of it as an added shot of protein.

Of course, any restaurant in a business district will be packed during the lunch rush, so you're forced to stand in line with a hundred other people who are dressed identically to you and just as unhappy in corporate America as you are. And you get that same depressing feeling like when you show up at an orgy and everyone in the room, including you, is a little overweight. It's just sad.


Highbrow Answer: Don't eat lunch
Even the absolute best lunch foods are horrifying. Who invented this shit? It's all sandwiches or fried meat. Or both. You aren't some mushy-brained invalid; you're highbrow. You don't need a break three hours after you get to work to surround yourself with morons munching away on personal pizzas from Papa Gino's and talking about whether the Boston Red Sox made the right decision to pull David Ortiz from the lineup. Kill me. And the Red Sox.

And what's with lunchtime turning everything into a salad? Potato salad, macaroni salad, seafood salad. Don't we just eat food anymore? Do we need to dress it up in salad every time? Look, let's say I'm getting into bed with a naked girl. Sure, some kinky role-playing or lusty foreplay is fine now and then, but at the end of the day, I just want some simple, meat-and-potatoes fucking. Call me old fashioned.