Best Feature of Facebook?

Lowbrow Answer: The Status Update
Dear Everyone in the World,

I don't care what you are doing in each minute of your life. If I did, I'd call you up every quarter-hour and ask you what you were up to.

I don't care that you're soooooo excited about your new puppy. I hope it gets hit by a car. I don't care that the guy next to you on the subway totally looks like Johnny Depp, LOL. You're ugly and the guy isn't going to hook up with you. I don't care that your wedding was awesome...thanks to everyone who came!! You're wife will starting banging her tennis pro in a few years and you'll be divorced before you're 40.

You're not as important as you think you are. Not one history book will have a blurb on you when you're dead. Nobody cares about the menial events in your day-to-day life. Get over yourself.

Sincerely,
Jeff


Middlebrow Answer: Photos
Yeah, okay, it can be nice to post pictures of cool places you've been. And sure, it helps when you're stalking a girl you just met that you can see pictures of her in a bikini. We've all used facebook pictures to fall desperately in love with somebody before we've even met them. And it can be a fun way to waste ten minutes while you're on break at your trivial, white-collar job.

But that being said, blow me. Nobody wants to see pictures of you doing keg stands with your frat friends. Or you sitting on the beach in Nantucket with the other trust fund babies. And posting shots of yourself in a bathing suit? Could you be any more transparent? "I have low self esteem! Please validate my existence by ogling my body!"


Highbrow Answer: Contact Information
I'm pretty sure that the original intent of facebook was to help people stay connected. It wasn't supposed to become people's entire social life. Having contact information is the only part of the whole website that is actually useful. Of course, in the hands of the inbred yocals who use facebook all the time, I'm sure it's wasted. They'll look up somebody's phone number and, fearing actual human contact, will text the person.

Remember when people used to talk to each other on the phone? Like, when the phonebook was delivered to your doorstep every few months and you actually used it? When you had to talk to your friends' parents before you could talk to your friend. Those are some precious childhood memories: "Hello, Mrs. Humbolt? Can I talk your daughter? Why? Ummm, I like her. Yeah, I like her, like her. No, I can't speak to her?"

Best Street Artist?

Lowbrow Answer: Banksy
I have an idea. I'm going to create cool graffiti drawings and put them all over England. They're going to be anti-capitalist and have edgy messages about questioning democracy and the natural order of society. I'll decry global corporations and big business with visceral imagery.

Then I'll put it all into a book and get it published by Random House. Because that's TOTALLY anti-capitalist.

Fucking hypocrite. Don't spend your whole career preaching that art belongs to the people and then charge $30 for your book. Banksy is that artist that everyone feels cool for knowing about until you realize that EVERYONE else already knows about him. Kill yourself if you own his book. You filthy prole.


Middlebrow Answer: Julian Beever
Julian Beever is a Belgian dude who creates three dimensional sidewalk art. It's incredible. Check out some of his work here. You have to give credit to any artist who is humble enough that he creates his art in an impermanent medium. Beever's work vanishes slowly over the course of a month or so as it's exposed to the elements. Bad. Ass. If only STD's were as temporary.

While Beever's medium is awesome, his subject matter often isn't. Yes, he does renditions of old masters (highbrow), but he also does paintings of Coke bottles (lowbrow). Come on man. Don't water down your highbrow with lowbrow swill. You don't see Beethoven composing songs for Rihanna or Dostoevsky writing ads for Burger King.


Highbrow Answer: Jean-Michel Basquiat
This guy had the common decency to embody the identity of what a true artist should be: a depressed and raving lunatic with no ability to live in the real world and the victim of a young death. (he was 28) THAT is an artist. None of these fakers. I want real crazies making my art. You have any idea how insane Mozart was? Or Beethoven? See what I mean? Cut your own ear off and I'll check out your art. Otherwise, leave me alone.

Basquiat got his start spraypainting in the streets of New York. He signed all his work "SAMO," but then later started painting "SAMO IS DEAD" all over the city when he decided it was time to move on. Imagine that. An artist who doesn't put his actual name on his work, doesn't try to sell it, and then quits when he feels he has no more to give. Hmm, quitting while you're ahead. What a noble pursuit. Sombody should tell Brett Farve about it.

Best Logo for a Champions League Soccer Team?

Lowbrow Answer: FC Sheriff (Moldova)
Let me get this straight. Your club is called "FC Sheriff," so you put a big, gold Sheriff's star in your logo? That's the best you could do? How do you even know what a sheriff is? Isn't the primary language in your country Romanian? Did you name your team from watching old re-runs of Bonanza on the one American station you get?

You have to consider the implications of a team being called Sheriff. Think about every movie you've seen that has a "sheriff" in it. In every single of them, he's lame. He's usually some old, white-haired jackass with a big hat and ugly boots. I'd rather call my team "FC Villain" or "FC Bad Guy Who Shoots Everyone."


Middlebrow Answer: Olympique de Marseille (France)
Yes, the big "M" looks like a McDonald's logo from the future. But the single star is classy. And so is the fact that there aren't any pictures here. I hate it when soccer teams draw little images in their crests. It's like Arsenal with their stupid cannon. Yes, guys, we get it. Your team shares its name with a munitions armament. Clever. Dumbasses.

You have to appreciate the slogan here. "Droit Au But" roughly translates to "Right to goal." That shit is money. This team isn't screwing around. I think more things should have slogans like that:

Burger King - "Right to your arteries."
The Catholic Church - "Right to your wallets."
Ron Jeremy - "Right to my balls."


Highbrow Answer: EB/Streymur (Faroe Islands)
It takes guts to design your club's logo so that it looks like an infinity symbol. Especially if you're a Podunk club from the Faroe Islands whose players probably all have day jobs at the local Starbucks. "Hey Boss, I need the Saturday shift off, we're playing against Real Madrid and I should probably be there."

Look at this logo. There are no numbers, no names, no hokey stars for all the times they've won a championship. Just infinity. Baddass. I think the team should change its name to "The Club Who Shall Not Be Named." That would probably inspire greater terror in its opposition than "AB/Streymur," which sounds like some kind of blood disease.

Best Thing to Take to a Rock Concert?

Lowbrow Answer: A Camera
I have an idea. Let's go to a concert and spend the whole time taking grainy, out-of-focus pictures of the band from 400 yards away. We can also shoot some shitty lo-fi video on your iPhone. Then we can post it all on Facebook and prove to our friends that we were there. Because I'm sure they didn't believe us when we said, "We're going to a concert tonight" and showed them the tickets.

Is everyone at rock shows besides me an idiot? You want pictures of the band, go online. I guarantee you they're better than whatever shitty photos you take. You want video, buy a DVD. You'll see more angles and hear more sound, I promise. What the fuck is the point of going to a concert if you aren't going to focus on enjoying yourself? Taking a camera to a rock show is like hiking Mount Everest and spending the whole trip reading "Into Thin Air." What are you doing?


Middlebrow Answer: An old t-shirt of the band you're seeing
People complain about this one, but it's not as bad as you think. You'd wear a Patriots jersey to a football game, why not rock a t-shirt of the band you're seeing? Plus it's pretty awesome if you have some old stuff. I saw Marilyn Manson last night and one dude rocked a t-shirt from 1992 and it was cool. The dude was lame, but I have to admit that his t-shirt was old school and awesome.

Then again, this is as bad as you think. You bought tickets to the show. Of course you like the band. Do you really have to wear a t-shirt to prove it? That's like writing "I like sex" on your chest in magic marker before you get into bed with your girlfriend. I'm sure Marilyn Manson knows you're a fan when he spits on you from the stage and you rub it all over your face; you don't need to be wearing a t-shirt as extra proof.

Like Marilyn Manson? There's more of him here.


Highbrow Answer: Nothing
Remember when people used to go to concerts to actually see the band? Like, to focus on the music and get a chance to see their favorite musicians live? When they were more concerned with enjoying the show than with proving to their friends that they were there? Yeah, I don't really remember that time either. Must have been before I was born, because every show I've ever been to has been crammed full of idiot teenagers endless snapping camera-phone pictures and updating their twitter accounts after every song. Kill me.

It seems to me that in the last ten years or so, people have become more interested in recording an event than actually experiencing it. You go on vacation to the Grand Canyon and spend the whole time taking pictures of it. You go to a soccer game and spend the whole match updating your status on facebook. Just enjoy it yourself. Be selfish. You paid for the tickets, so watch the game. You're at the Grand Canyon, you dumb motherfucker. It's one of the most amazing places on EARTH. How about you actually SEE IT.

Best Weapon in Mario Kart?

Like Mario Kart? Check out more here.

Lowbrow Answer: Star
You're faster, you're invincible, and you're in technicolor. I guess that's what you get for eating a celestial body. Although, using a star takes no skill whatsoever. You just run into everything and hope it goes well. Kinda like a drunken shark in a school of Salmon or the U.S. Army in The Middle East.

The worst part about stars is the music that comes on when you get one. Listen to it here. It's the kind of song you hear in a cheap Brazilian discotheque in 1984 or in the background of a commercial for a used car dealership. I can just see some dude with a mullet and a plaid jacket trying to sell me a '79 Buick with that music playing over the showroom speakers.


Middlebrow Answer: Banana
We're driving race cars and you're throwing bananas? Are you serious? That's like tossing a pickled ham at The Statue of Liberty and hoping it falls over. Ain't gonna happen. I'm not opposed to using fruit as a weapon, but you can do better than a banana. How about a pineapple? At least that shit has spikes all over it.

I do have to appreciate the simplicity of the banana. Using an everyday household item as a weapon is pretty awesome. They should stick with that theme in the next Mario Kart game. You could throw blenders and bed sheets and vacuum cleaners at each other. Maybe you'd get special bonuses for using unmentionables, like vibrators or condoms. I can just see the Princess tossing a pair of used panties at Donkey Kong. Hot.


Highbrow Answer: Green Shell
Let's say you meet two men. The first tells you that one time, he killed a man with a hunting knife and a .44 Magnum. The second tells you that he killed a man with a stuffed rabbit and a stick of butter. Now. Who are you more impressed with?

Exactly. The second man.

Hitting another driver with a green shell is nearly impossible. Your aim has to be perfect and you need to have some idea about rapid-motion physics. The best part about the shell is that, if you think about it, you're throwing around the dead body of a koopa troopa. Koopa Troopa, by the way, is actually a character in the game. That shit's twisted. Imagine fighting the Revolutionary War by stuffing dead British troops into our cannons. Dark, but highbrow.

Best Casino Game?

Lowbrow Answer: Roulette
How To Play Roulette-
1. Sit down.
2. Place random bets based on blind luck.
3. Wait for man to call out number.
4. Repeat steps 1-3.

Anybody feel like you're playing bingo at a recreation center for senior citizens? Yeah, me too.


Middlebrow Answer: Blackjack
At least there's some math involved in this one. It's also the game at which you have the highest odds of actually beating the house, which is always good. I hate the house. The house is like that mean uncle that everyone has who takes candy from you when you're young and makes you show him your wee-willy-winkie when your parents aren't looking. Creepy bastard.

The problem with blackjack is that it's too rigid. There's this whole set of rules about when you're supposed to hit or stand or double down. And if you break any of those rules, then everybody else at the table gets mad at you. I feel like I'm at work, except the boss is wearing a gold lamay vest and bow-tie instead of a suit. I love card-dealers. They're the only people on the planet besides Catholic bishops who get to wear bright, tacky colors and weird neck garments to work.


Highbrow Answer: Craps
This shit is old school. Dice have been discovered in archaeological sites dating as far back as the third millennium BCE. Suck on that, playing cards. There's something inherently baddass about throwing dice. I don't really know what it is, but it fits in the same category as smoking a roll-up cigarette, wearing a Reservoir Dogs-style suit, kissing somebody in the pouring rain, and walking in slow-motion. Do any one of those four things and I guarantee I'll think you're cool.

Craps is the best because there are odds involved, but it's still random enough that it's fun to try your luck. So you can take advantage of mathematical strategy, but you still have a choice in how you play. Reminds me of trying to convince a police officer not to give you a ticket.

Best Person that I'm in Vegas with right now?

Lowbrow Answer: Summer and Lore
Since we arrived in Vegas, these two have attended a Kings of Leon concert, each eaten three plates worth of buffet food, and won a total of seven dollars in video slots. Low. Brow. They're only a few steps away from hopping onto the Peppermint Rhino slut bus and whisking off to a life of champagne, expensive jewelry, and having sex with men for money. Hussies.

And my god, could they be any more annoying? Summer's sleepy. Lore's hot. Summer's hungry. Lore's afraid of fish. Summer's hungover. Lore can't figure out how to get the dirt off of her feet. Jeez, guys. I feel like I'm taking care of the Muppet Babies.


Middlebrow Answer: Tommy
Even though he looks like a balding idiot, Tommy is actually pretty smart. Kind of like how you'd never expect a hippo to be able to run 60 mph. (They can.) He's here in Vegas to build dinosaur skeletons and hang fossils on the wall. As we speak, he's sorting rib bones from a Titanothere. Money. Tommy's kind of like a male porn-star: he's pretty average looking on the surface, but look beneath and it's more impressive than you'd suspect.

On the other hand, look at him. He's worn the same belt every day for the last eight years, he bought his first suit at the age of 25, and his beard makes him look like a pedophile from Missouri. And he still wears skate shoes. Really, Tommy? You skateboard often? You shred the rails? You buddies with Bob Burnquist? Take off your Etnies and put on some loafers. Jackass.


Highbrow Answer: Makoto, Alex, and Ben
Check these dudes. That's a mammoth they're building. A MAMMOTH. You couldn't even put together your Lego Eiffel Tower and these guys are constructing a prehistoric elephant. No wonder you're sitting at home playing fantasy football while these three work in the Guggenheim Gallery at The Venetian.

All three of these legends spend their lives working with fossils and dinosaur bones, because they know that dealing with living things is a hassle. They dig dinosaurs out of the ground in South Dakota and then refurbish the skeletons and help sell them at high-end auctions. The only auction you've ever seen is when you sold your copy of Mario Kart on Ebay. I rest my case.

Best Dinosaur?

Lowbrow Answer: Stegosaurus
Look at you. Your brain is the size of a walnut, you waddle around like an invalid octogenarian, and you're really only alive to feed the raptors. You're a three-ton piece of chicken with legs. I wonder what you'd taste like if we marinated you in Italian dressing.

I'll admit that I like the paleolithic punk look that you're rocking with that mohawk, but come on. You're alive at a time when Tyrannosaurs, Raptors, and all kinds of other vicious, crazy beasts are alive and the best defense you can muster is to dress yourself like the lead singer of Rancid? I can see why you're extinct.


Middlebrow Answer: Tyrannosaurus Rex
You wander around the earth, eating anything you want, fearing nothing, and munching on Jurassic Park Jeeps. You're also 25 feet tall and can run as fast as 25 mph. Not a bad gig. If a T-Rex ran for president, I'd vote for it. At least it could get the U.S. out the Middle East; just drop it in there with a few of its buddies and I bet the people there would stop worrying about reclaiming the Gaza Strip and start worrying about getting eaten by a dinosaur. Problem solved.

The shitty thing about being a T-Rex is that you have no arms. I mean, yes, you have them, but you have arms the same way that Britney Spears has talent. Arms are important. Without them, you can't write mathematical equations, compose classical music, conduct an orchestra, perform heart surgery, move chess pieces, and all kinds of other highbrow things. It's a shame. No wonder we don't have any famous T-Rex Nobel Prize winners.


Highbrow Answer: Iguanodon
He's one of the first dinosaurs, so he immediately earns points for originality. When the rest of the world was wondering around in swamps and oceans, this dude decided it was time for some dry land and some fresh-cut flora. What a modern fella. They should give him his own show on Bravo: "Late Cretaceous Eye for the Straight Guy." Kathy Griffin can co-host.

And have you seen his thumbs? They are little spiked pieces of bone, used as weapons to fight off predators and to crack open fruit and nuts. So, basically, Iguanodons are tool-using, knife-fighting prehistoric badasses that can hitch-hike with ease. Awesome.

Best Way to Get Skinny?

Lowbrow Answer: Get Liposuction
Let me get this straight. You were lazy, so you got fat. Now you want to be skinny, but you're still lazy. So you hire a surgeon to do it for you. Well done. With that kind of attitude, you'll never have to do anything for yourself ever again. You're the kind of person who buys a pool cue to push the buttons on your television remote control so you don't have to lean forward to grab it off the coffee table. Tubby idiot.

I'm not sure when American Society decided that it was okay to fix all of our problems with elective surgeries, but I'm not okay with it. Where does it all stop? I want to be an Olympic sprinter, can I have small diesel engines implanted in my calves? I'm having trouble satisfying my wife sexually, can you replace my penis with a vibrator? I wish I spoke better Spanish, can we murder a Peruvian orphan and stick his voicebox in my throat?


Middlebrow Answer: Go on a Diet
This does take some discipline, so you get a few points. But there are few things more annoying than a friend who is on a diet. It's like suddenly having a whiny four-year-old child around. All you hear is "I can't eat that," and "Can we go to a different restaurant?" and "Ohmigod, this Snickers is going right to my thighs." Kill me.

I have an idea. Jenny Craig should buy a fleet of helicopters. Any time somebody comes in wanting to lose weight, we fly that person to a remote part of Northern Canada and drop them off with just a map and a hunting knife. By the time they get back home, I guarantee you that they'll be a whole lot skinnier than when we dropped them off. It's perfect. They get thinner and we don't have to be around them when they're cranky and hungry and losing the weight.


Highbrow Answer: Go Running
Let's clarify something here. When I say "running," I don't mean get on a treadmill at your local gym for 25 minutes while you read Elle Magazine and sip from your Evian bottle of water, all while a college-dropout personal trainer named "Lance" offers you words of encouragement.

When I say "running," I mean, get off your ass, go outside, and run for an hour.

"A whole hour?!" I can hear some of you complaining. Yes, a whole hour. People 100 years ago used to wrestle bears and eat rocks. Going to visit a friend was a dangerous three week journey, and smallpox was still something you could catch. You can run for an hour, trust me. Just stop being such a pussy.

Back On Monday

Hello little proletariat piggies.
I'll be back on Monday.
I'm a bit busy spraying Highbrow Juice all over LA this weekend.
Snuggles,
Karl

Best Mobile Telephone?

Lowbrow Answer: The iPhone
My god, I'm sick of Apple. Everything they put out feels like it was designed by the people at Playskool. Big buttons, bright colors, cute little noises. Am I five years old again? And yeah, we get it, the whole thing is touch-screen. Neato. Awesome. In a world where we can send things into space and we can build fake hearts for people, am I really supposed to be impressed by the fact that I can zoom into pictures by spreading by fingers out? Blow me.

I'm also sick of hearing, "There's an app for that!" Need to find an ATM? There's an app for that! Having trouble wiping your ass? There's an app for that! Tired of having to chew your own food? There's an app for that! I'm tired of seeing people with iPhones wandering around staring down at their little digital Gods and never actually interacting with the world. Is there an app for that? Yeah, it's called an Uzi.


Middlebrow Answer: A Cell Phone
Hey, remember when a cell phone was just a phone? When all you could do was talk on it? When it didn't have cameras, GPS, texting, video games, maps, and youtube on it? Those were the good old days. When a man was a man and phone was a phone. If I wanted a camera, I would have bought a camera. If I need directions, I'll read a map. Cell phones are for people who are smart enough to deal with the world without having their hand held by a small Japanese machine.

Of course, whenever I'm carrying a cell phone, I feel like a sissy. Like if something goes wrong I can't handle it myself. Fuck that. I can handle it myself. If my tire pops, I'll fix it. If I can't find where I'm going, I'll look harder. If I'm going to be late, you'll wait. Because you're proletariat filth and you love me.


Highbrow Answer: A Land Line
"But wait," I can hear some of you saying, "Land Lines aren't mobile!"

Yeah, exactly.

I'm not sure who decided that I should be reachable at all times, but it certainly wasn't me. It's gotten so bad nowadays that if people don't hear back from you within the hour, they flip out. I've even had people get mad at me for turning my phone off.

Human beings have scaled the tallest mountains in the world. We've survived massive earthquakes and we've waged wars that have nearly annihilated the entire planet. We're pretty capable. We don't need to be checked in on every half an hour. If you don't hear from me for a day, that's because I don't want to talk to you. Not because I'm dead or dying or in trouble. Just relax. Christ.

Best Weezer Album?

Lowbrow Answer: Any Album besides The Blue Album or Pinkerton
What the hell happened to this band? Did somebody give them all a lobotomy? They used to be so rad, but now they just sing nonsense songs with simple chord patterns about cities in California or vacationing on an island. They're basically human versions of muppets. Except that a lot of the muppets have talent.

My favorite part of recent Weezer is the fact that all the guitar solos in their songs are just instrumental versions of the melody. Creative, guys. You should cut the bullshit and just change all your lyrics to "La." Then you wouldn't have to worry about making any sense, and your legions of teenage followers would already know the words to your songs as soon as you released an album. Nice!


Middlebrow Answer: The Blue Album
This shit defined a generation. It made being a nerd cool, which is good because there are a hell of a lot of nerds out there. Not me, of course, but other people. Like you. Anyway, tunes like "Buddy Holly," "Say it Ain't So," and "Undone (The Sweater Song)," were playful and catchy breaks from the tired grunge movement. The Blue Album is like a musical oasis in the desert of Kurt Cobain rip-offs. An oasis with thick, black glasses and posters of Kitty Pryde on the wall.

I will admit, however, that some of the lyrics here are a bit juvenile for my taste. Talking about surfing to work is all well and good if you're The Beach Boys, but not if you're a weird, introverted geek from Connecticut. Rivers Cuomo on a surfboard is like a baby with an uzi: something bad is going to happen.


Highbrow Answer: Pinkerton
This is the money shot. Pinkerton is the mature, adult version of The Blue Album. The songs are strong, the lyrics are wicked, and the themes are highbrow. The whole thing, including the name of the record itself, is based on Puccini's opera, Madame Butterfly. High. Brow. Basing stuff on operas instantly gains you elitist points. Maybe I'd starting following professional football if they had some operatic influence: "Tonight! On Monday Night Football! The Orlando Daughters of the Regiment vs. The Washington Magic Flutes!"

What makes this album truly highbrow is all the album packaging. The cover is a famous Japanese print called Kambara yoru no yuki ("Night Snow at Kambara"). The edge of the CD features lyrics from Puccini's opera. The CD tray is a map with the title "Isola Della Farfalla e Penisola Di Cane." which is Italian for "Island of the Butterfly and Peninsula of Dog." The highbrow elite know that presentation is half the battle. If my penis were packaged half as well as Pinkerton is, I bet it'd get used a lot more often.

Best Reason to go to the Theatre?

Lowbrow Answer: Musicals
Does anybody else think it's incredibly coincidental that every time somebody starts singing, the entire population of the town seems to suddenly know the choreography? How do all the people know the words? I don't know about you, but my hometown was full of pregnant teenagers, soccer moms, corporate dads, mediocre schools, and fat people. Not singing and dancing flash mobs that always seem to show up right on cue.

The worst part about musicals is the people that are in them. They're all either failed singers, failed actors, or failed dancers. But because they can kinda do all three, they get to be on Broadway. And what's with all the recent trend of movie-based musicals. "The Lion King," "Shrek the Musical"; when's it going to stop? I'm excited for "Requiem for a Dream: The Musical."


Middlebrow Answer: Ballet
I'm not sure if you know this, but ballet is fucking awesome. It's lyrical yet powerful; soft but aggressive. Kinda like my dong. I'm convinced that dancers are the best athletes in the world. They run, jump, bounce, spring, and move just as much as any other sport, except they have to look pretty doing it. And some ballets are up to three hours long. I'd like to see Kobe Bryant survive in Swan Lake.

Of course, ballet does have eating issues. There aren't many female dancers who aren't either Anorexic, Bulimic, or both, and that blows. I'm not up for anything that prevents women from the pleasures of eating buffalo wings or ice cream sundaes. Plus, boobs are awesome. And ballerinas aren't allowed to have those, either. Booooooo.


Highbrow Answer: Opera
Name me two operas other than "Carmen" and "La Boheme." Go.

No? Nothing? The mere fact that you just failed that quiz demonstrates the highbrow nature of opera. This shit isn't for the proles. It's for the educated elite who understand and appreciate the beauty of a well-performed libretto and a brilliantly conceived score. If you aren't one of those people, you can go outside and play with your basketball until we're finished watching "La Fille du Regiment."

Opera has been around since the 14th century, which means it's older than, like, God. It was originally performed for Kings and the high court, while normal theater was often relegated to the filthy masses. Opera is like the Intel Pentium Processor: everybody's heard of it, but nobody knows what the hell it does. Except the highbrow, like me and Sigmund Freud and Pavarotti.

Best State Nickname?

Lowbrow Answer: The Land of Enchantment (New Mexico)
Is this a state or a level in World of Warcraft, I can't tell. Who are you trying to impress with this nickname? Six-year-old girls? I wonder who came up with this. Probably the same dude who starting calling Target, "Tar-shay."

The worst part about this nickname is that it has nothing to do with New Mexico. When I hear the word "Enchantment," I think of frothy waterfalls and rich green foliage and unicorns and rivers made of liquid chocolate. I don't think of endless deserts and 100-degree summer days and a high rate of unemployment and rivers with no water in them. Calling New Mexico the "Land of Enchantment" is like referring to your crotch as "The Pleasure Pasture:" it's just not true.


Middlebrow Answer: The Beaver State (Oregon)
Beavers are awesome. While the rest of the animal kingdom is lazing about, munching on leaves sitting in the sun, these little guys are hard at work building stuff. And the best part is that it's stuff that really only benefits themselves. Beaver dams block rivers and ruin fishing grounds, but who cares. We're beavers. You got a problem, fill out a complaint and stick it up your ass. We've got work to do.

Of course, you won't be able to say this one without inducing snickers from any ex-frat boy in the room. I don't get it. Why are vaginas called beavers? I mean, sure, they're little and fuzzy, but so are a lot of mammals. And as far as I know, vaginas don't build dams or have weird leathery tails. So what gives? I guess both things do eat wood...


Highbrow Answer: The Last Frontier (Alaska)
Alaska is money. Crazy beautiful scenery and wildlife combined with arctic temperatures and winter days with four hours of sunlight. Basically, if you live there, you have the aesthetic of a painter but the hands of a carpenter. Awesome. Alaska is for people who should have grown up in 1840 when life was hard, winters were freeezing, and you didn't always get what you want.

"The Last Frontier" sounds either like a John Wayne movie or a Banksy installation piece. Either way, it's badass. The frontier is super highbrow. You're living off the land, you're growing or killing your own food, and you're building your own shelter, and if you don't do it well, you die. I wonder if we could get congress to pass a law like that: "If you don't do anything well, you die."

Best Last Name Option for a Newlywed Girl?

Lowbrow Answer: Hyphenate it
I don't understand why women are so proud of choosing this option. You're basically celebrating indecision. I'm not totally sure why this is even allowed. For ANYBODY. We don't let you attend two colleges if you get into both. You don't get to have two girlfriends. (Unless you're in Utah) Just pick something and stick with it. Enough of the waffling. I'm sick of waffles. Pancakes are better anyway.

Whoever invented this as a viable thing for a woman to do was a moron. You know how hard it is to deal with inputting a hyphen into your SAT's? Or your email account? You're just screwing any children you have. Plus, you have to wonder where it all stops. What if two people with hyphenated last names get married? What if their offspring marry somebody with a hyphenate? We'll end up with a nation of people with names like Stephanie Denmar-Smith-Hawkins-Berry-Shultz-Walido-Umberland-Johnstonite-Pellingson. Nobody wants that.


Middlebrow Answer: Take his Name
There is something awesomely old school about taking your husband's name. It's a pretty amazing gesture, for one thing, and you get to be called "The Jonses" or "The Washburns" or whatever your name is for another. As long as it's your choice to do it, then radical. I mean, come on. You get to change your last name! Cool! That's serious stuff. Kinda like getting a tattoo or having AIDS.

The downside here is what if your husband has a dickface last name. What if right now, you're "Audrey Peters," and after the wedding you become, "Audrey Swallows" or "Audrey Munkeefagina." There's too big a risk. Do you really want to introduce yourself as "Mrs. Stankassington" for the rest of your life? No. No, you don't.


Highbrow Answer: Keep your Name
Newsflash. This the 21st century. Blacks and women can vote. Gays can get married in some places. We can land people on the moon and we can send them to the bottom of the ocean. Enough of this bullshit white male tyrannical patriarchy. You like your own last name? Great. Keep it. If your husband doesn't like it, he can go fuck himself. If we still adhered to the teachings of 17th century America, we'd have slaves, die at 38, all raise corn and chickens, and spend three days of the week at church. Fuck that.

Some women worry that if you keep your own name, people will wonder if you're actually married, or even worse, people will worry that your children's parents are unwed. What?! Your parents aren't married!? Oh my god! No! Call the police! Are we really still worried about this? With an unending war in the Middle East, a massive economic crisis, and nuclear weapons proliferation all over the world, two parents having the same last name is something we're worried about? Man, we need to relax.

Best Drinking Water?

Lowbrow Answer: Bottled
Are we kidding with this? We are, right? I can't believe that selling bottled water actually exists as a viable way to make money. What a con. I should start packaging sand from the side of the road and selling it to people who don't live near beaches. I'd make a killing as long as I gave my company a pretentious French name. I could call it, "Sande."

The worst part about bottled water is that the people drinking it are the same people who claim to be health-conscious, earth-friendly members of society. Blow me. You're dumping thousands of tons of plastic into landfills, douchebag. Do us all a favor. Get back in your SUV with your lacrosse-playing, Nickelback-loving spoiled kids and your investment-banking, mean-to-his-assistant bastard husband and drive off a cliff. We'll recycle the metal from the wreckage, don't worry.


Middlebrow Answer: Filtered
Okay, I'll admit that it's fun to say the word, "Brita." And sure, filtered water does taste pretty good. And there are no plastic containers, and you're using the water that you pay taxes for. The best filters are the ones where the pitcher has a digital readout on it and a cool plastic encasing. I feel like I'm being served water from the future.

Of course, the Brita commercials conveniently forget to inform you that the filters cost like $250 a pop. What are they using to filter the water? The skin of endangered elephants? A minuscule webbing of blood diamonds? How about this. Just throw a wad of paper in there and I'll give you a dollar. I'm sure the water will come out just as clean.


Highbrow Answer: From the Faucet
Remember when everyone in America wasn't a pussy? When children played outside and got smacked if they fucked up? When getting a trophy for "participation" didn't exist and when you had to just sit still during a long car ride instead of watching a DVD? You don't? Really? You're probably too young. Well, I remember it. We were cold in the winter, we used our imagination to play games, and we drank water from the fucking faucet.

I don't understand why people are so afraid of everything. Water from the faucet isn't going to kill you. In fact, most scientists say that by trying so hard to sterilize EVERYTHING these days, we're actually fucking with our ability to naturally build up immunities to everyday sickness. And even if your drinking water does contain carcinogens, shut the hell up and get your cancer like a man. Life is shit anyway. Now THAT'S a highbrow way to see things.