Best Male Underwear?

Lowbrow Answer: Boxer-Briefs
Look, I know the world is a complicated place, but pick a fucking side. You're either boxers or you're briefs; you don't get to be both. Flip-flopper. It's like how every new invention these days has to be 8-things-in-1. "This camera is also a phone and a knife and a nightlight and a respirator and a pistol and a nine-iron and a badger! All in one!" Fuck that. I want my camera to be a camera. I want my underpants to be underpants. End of story.

Even if you concede that these are comfy, we couldn't come up with a better name than "Boxer-Briefs?" Really? It's like those annoying people who hyphenate their last names. Get over yourselves. Pick one or make up something new. Imagine how dumb it would be if other shit was named this way. We'd be stuck writing all our emails on "Calculator-Typewriter-Camera-Phonograph-Telegraph-Televisions." (Get it? I'm talking about computers. Moron.)


Middlebrow Answer: Tighty-Whities
In this tumultuous era of falling stocks and armed Middle-Eastern conflict and Katy Perry music, the last thing I need is my Pocket Dolphin flopping around all nimbly-bimbly in the breeze. I want that shit tucked in tight, where he's protected from all the fear and the war and the Moammar Gadhafi. I mean, come on. My Wang is my third-most valuable physical attribute, right behind my tattoo of Elton John and my detachable kneecaps; I gotta protect it.

Of course, sometimes my Yogurt Slinger needs some space to roam. Sometimes he yearns to be out on his own, seeing the world. And I respect that. I don't want be one of those helicopter parents, hovering over their kids at every turn. I want my penis to be able to enjoy a steak dinner or a tennis lesson all by himself if he wants to. More power to him.


Highbrow Answer: Underwear?
Would you cage the regal Alaskan Elk? Would you close the gates to Yellowstone Park? Would you lock Michael Cera in a windowless basement? No. Of course you wouldn't. Because Alaskan Elk, Yellowstone Park, and Michael Cera are national treasures. They're supposed to be out in the open, encouraging the world to greatness with their very presence. Such is the nature of my Penis; its very existence inspires the advancement of modern civilization.

If you're asking yourself, "Did he just equate his Dong to a National Park?" The answer is yes. Yes, I did. Clearly you know nothing of my Peen and the wonders thereof. It once traveled back in time to stop the assassination of a human boy so that he could grow up and become the leader of mankind against an army of robotic overlords in the future. Yeah. Suck it. What has YOUR penis done lately?

Best State Nickname?

Lowbrow Answer: The Land of Enchantment (New Mexico)
Is this a state or a level in World of Warcraft, I can't tell. Who are you trying to impress with this nickname? Six-year-old girls? I wonder who came up with this. Probably the same dude who starting calling Target, "Tar-shay."

The worst part about this nickname is that it has nothing to do with New Mexico. When I hear the word "Enchantment," I think of frothy waterfalls and rich green foliage and unicorns and rivers made of liquid chocolate. I don't think of endless deserts and 100-degree summer days and a high rate of unemployment and rivers with no water in them. Calling New Mexico the "Land of Enchantment" is like referring to your crotch as "The Pleasure Pasture:" it's just not true.


Middlebrow Answer: The Beaver State (Oregon)
Beavers are awesome. While the rest of the animal kingdom is lazing about, munching on leaves sitting in the sun, these little guys are hard at work building stuff. And the best part is that it's stuff that really only benefits themselves. Beaver dams block rivers and ruin fishing grounds, but who cares. We're beavers. You got a problem, fill out a complaint and stick it up your ass. We've got work to do.

Of course, you won't be able to say this one without inducing snickers from any ex-frat boy in the room. I don't get it. Why are vaginas called beavers? I mean, sure, they're little and fuzzy, but so are a lot of mammals. And as far as I know, vaginas don't build dams or have weird leathery tails. So what gives? I guess both things do eat wood...


Highbrow Answer: The Last Frontier (Alaska)
Alaska is money. Crazy beautiful scenery and wildlife combined with arctic temperatures and winter days with four hours of sunlight. Basically, if you live there, you have the aesthetic of a painter but the hands of a carpenter. Awesome. Alaska is for people who should have grown up in 1840 when life was hard, winters were freeezing, and you didn't always get what you want.

"The Last Frontier" sounds either like a John Wayne movie or a Banksy installation piece. Either way, it's badass. The frontier is super highbrow. You're living off the land, you're growing or killing your own food, and you're building your own shelter, and if you don't do it well, you die. I wonder if we could get congress to pass a law like that: "If you don't do anything well, you die."