When I'm seventy I hope to be...

Lowbrow Answer: ...Playing with my grand-kids.
Grand-kids are the fucking worst. I should know, I used to be one. (Not anymore! Huzzah!) They're whiny, their fingers are covered in applesauce, and they always want money. Plus they have no concept of how great you are until you're dead. Being a grandparent is like being Van Gogh; nobody misses you until you're a corpse.

The other thing that blows is that your spoiled kids expect you to provide a free babysitter service to your grandkids. What is this shit? I got plans! I have shuffleboard tournaments to attend and prune juice to drink. Take care of your own little brats.


Middlebrow Answer: ...On the road, promoting the movie version of my life story.
Here's an idea. Turn off your iPhone, stop hanging out with your idiot frat friends from college, quit your job as a low-level corporate shill, and get out into the world and do something. Build a school in Honduras or clone a panda so that they don't go extinct or invent a machine that cleans your teeth while it cooks meatloaf. Then people will want to hear your story instead of wanting you to stop talking about the boring life you've lead.

Of course, it's all about who makes your movie. You might end up being played by Keanu Reeves or Ryan Phillippe, with Paris Hilton as your daughter. In that case, just shove an ice-pick into your eyes and you won't have to watch.


Highbrow: ...Dead.
Call me crazy, but I have no interest in pooping in my pants or getting Alzheimer's and talking to squirrels. Getting old blows. I'd rather just step on a landmine when I turn seventy. It's quick, it's easy, and if you set up a canvas beforehand, you can make a nice splatter painting as a goodbye present for your relatives.

Elephants have it right. When an old elephant realizes that he is slowing down the herd, he just hurls himself over a cliff and he's gone. Perfect. If only humanity worked the same way. Then we could have gotten rid of Dick Clark, Larry King, Oren Hatch, Joan Rivers, Neil Diamond, and Montgomery Burns by now.

Best Way to Be Anti-Religious?

Lowbrow Answer: Be an Agnostic

As romantic as it may sound, Agnostics are really just people too gutless to be atheists. They don't believe in religion, but they're too cowardly to go all the way and tell God to fuck himself. It may be hard to identify an Agnostic within your group of friends. Lemme see if I can help.

Agnostics are people who...

- Get Henna Tattoos.
- Pay for a hooker but only get a blowjob.
- Buy a ticket to a Marilyn Manson concert and then avoid the mosh pit.
- Listen to the Arcade Fire.
- Love movies that feature Joseph Gordon-Leavitt.
- Voted for Ralph Nader

Just avoid them. They're useless anyhow. You know what they say: "When the going gets tough, Agnostics shit themselves."


Middlebrow Answer: Be an Atheist
I like the idea that you just become part of the earth when you die. I'd like it if they buried my body, I became dirt, then grass, then a pony came by and ate me. Ponies are amazing. Just look at them. It's a little pocket horse! How can you go wrong?!

There is a part of me, though, that thinks Atheism is just the latest cultural craze. Like quoting Richard Dawkins is now as cool as "Being Gay" or "Having a Tumor. " Fuck fads. Especially religious fads. First it's cool to be a christian, then it's not, then it is again, then it's not. Make up your damn mind, Jesus. I'm sick of your waffling.


Highbrow Answer: Stab an Evangelical
Where the hell did we get these people? Is somebody pouring mercury into the Midwest's water supply? They hate gays, they worship George W. Bush, and they refuse to have sex with me before marriage. Talk about downers. Could they be any less fun? I'd rather shave my face with a rabid dingo than spend an afternoon with an evangelical.

The best part of Evangelicals is the way they deal with children. Have you seen "Jesus Camp?" That shit is terrifying. You know, I can think of another group of people who indoctrinated kids at such a young age. Who got them all together and put foul thoughts into their heads. Need a hint? It starts with "N" and it's "Nazis."

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Lowbrow Answer: ...Throw a tantrum.
I love people who get upset when things don't go their way. Like crying and whining does anything but make you look like an idiot. If crying about my problems made them go away, I'd watch "A Walk to Remember" at the start of each day and be all set. That Nicholas Sparks. He just gets me.

Everybody has that one friend who is a complainer. You know the guy. The sun is always too bright, the room is always too cold, his stomach is always just a little queasy. I hate that guy. I hate him so much. Hey. Dude. Grow a pair. Stop whining or I'll ram a beehive up your ass.


Middlebrow Answer: ...Make lemonade.
Lemonade is good. Really good. Have you ever had that kind where they mix in pieces of actual lemons? Damn, that shit is amazing. I would drink lemonade every day if I could. Lemonade and hot dogs. I love hot dogs. Especially those red ones that come with the cheese already stuffed inside them. Yum. Wait, what were we talking about?

This answer is an optimistic one, but fuck optimism. The world is shit. You're useless. Your writing is terrible. Your art is atrocious. Those Donruss baseball cards you've been saving since you were five aren't worth anything. Your Golden retriever will get hit by a car. Just give it up, man.


Highbrow Answer: ...Ask for more lemons.
There's nothing more productive than depression. Happy people don't accomplish shit. They just sit around texting each other and watching The Bachelor. You wanna write a novel or compose a symphony? Cut your ear off. Or watch your wife die while giving birth to your son, who then also dies. Sure, it'll be painful; painful all the way to your own exhibit at the Tate Gallery! Ha HA!

The idea of fighting depression is so silly. It's like trying to win a boxing match against Mike Tyson. Sure, you may be able to avoid him for a few rounds, but sooner or later, he's going to bite your ear off. Why not just let it happen and be done with the whole thing.

Best Female Sex Toy?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Best Classic Disney Character?

Lowbrow Answer: Donald Duck
If we teach the children of America that having a speech impediment is okay, then what's next? You're allowed to suck your thumb until you're thirty? Ralph Lauren starts making khakis with built-in adult diapers so you never have to potty train? Fuck that. Learn to talk correctly. This is America, god dammit, not some prissy remedial country like Luxembourg or Canada.

And what's with the girlie sailor outfit? Is Donald in the Gay Navy? He's not even wearing any pants. He's dressed like he just wandered off the set of a porn starring the Village People. I wonder if he's a top or a bottom.


Middlebrow Answer: Grumpy
He's angry, he hates women, and his long beard makes him look like an Al-Qaeda operative. Besty. I can just picture him strapping some C4 to his chest and blowing up a bus terminal in Fantasy Land. Maybe we'd all get lucky and the explosion would take out a few of those creepy little kids from "It's a small world after all" on their way to work.

Any street cred that Grumpy has is totally blown to shit when you consider his roommates. An aging doctor with signs of Alzheimer's? An allergy-ridden nerd? A fatty whose clearly snorting Valium? You're judged by the company you keep, Grump. Maybe you should get your own place somewhere. You could use the extra space to display some Basquiat paintings.


Highbrow Answer: Dumbo
There are few things in life more terrifying than a flying elephant. They already trample shit at will, imagine if they could do it from 400 feet in the air. And Dumbo is even scarier because he's often wearing a vaudevillian circus outfit. I wish I could dress like that and pull it off as well as he does. When I do it, I just look like some stupid hipster from Silver Lake who's "super" excited for the newest Grizzly Bear single to come out.

The best part about Dumbo is his willingness to go on wild, alcohol-induced hallucinations. He's the pachyderm version of Hunter S. Thompson. That dream he has about the pink elephants on parade is the most horrifying shit I've ever seen. Seriously. Watch it again. It'll give you nightmares for weeks. Like, actual nightmares. Not those lame ones you always have where, OMG, somebody has stolen your blackberry!

Best Knock-Knock Joke?

Lowbrow Answer:

Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Cargo.
You: Cargo who?
Me: Cargo honk!

Thatta boy. Now turn over and let me change your diaper.


Middlebrow Answer:

Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Panther.
You: Panther who?
Me: Panther no panth, I'm going thwimming!

Say it out loud, jackass.


Highbrow Answer:

Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Knock, Knock.
You: Who's there?
Me: Phillip Glass.

If you don't get it, I hate you.

Back in 2010...

Hey Kiddos-

Many apologies for the long absence.

New posts will arrive in the new year.

Until then,

Happy Christmas, you dirty prole.

Best,

Teddy Adorno