Best Band Logo With an Animal in it?

Lowbrow Answer: The Radiohead Bear
See, it's like an evil Mickey Mouse. Do you get it? It's meant to symbolize the shallow and dangerous nature of major synergistic corporations like Disney who are slowly pillaging both the economic and cultural values of today's post-modern capitalist society, blah, blah, blah, the raindrops, the raindrops, the raindrops.

The problem with this one is that it's trying too hard. I hate knowing that the band paid a phat amount of money for some graphic artist just to doodle a teddy bear with fangs. Hey Thom Yorke, I just took a dump on my ex-girlfriend's pillow. You want a picture of it? It can be on the cover of your next album.


Middlebrow Answer: The Deftones Horse
Horses are money. They are super fast, very tall, and can jump over shit. They're basically the animal version of Lebron James. The nice thing about this logo is that it's subtle. The horse is in sillouhette and the name of the band is in all-lowercase letters. ee cummings used to print his name in all-lowercase as a sign of humility to those who were reading his work. Bad. Ass.

Oh wait, actually, horses are sort of lame. They're like sissy, anorexic versions of bison. Plus only very rich people can afford to own them, which means whenever you see a horse, it's likely to have a douchebag riding on top of it.


Highbrow Answer: The Marilyn Manson Mouse
This thing is terrifying and silly all at the same time. It's a knockoff of the Third Reich's SS logo, for those of you playing at home. Thematically, Manson's mock portrayal of fascism and Nazi imagery is reminiscent of Charlie Chaplin's highly controversial film, "The Great Dictator," which is hot shit. Chaplin is a legend. You can suck it, 1950's Communist Tribunals.

I can hear some of you asking, "Why is this logo highbrow and the Radiohead Bear isn't, even though they both look pretty similar?" Good question, my friends. The answer is simple. The Manson logo is a cracked human skull and crossbones that subtly satirizes both the most infamous totalitarian leader to ever live as well as this country's largest producer of mass-consumed childrens' entertainment. The Radiohead logo is a happy teddy bear with googly eyes. Now shut up and stop asking questions.

Best German Classical Composer?

Lowbrow Answer: Ludwig Von Beethoven
Ode to Joy? Really? You're going to write an epic symphony, your last, in fact, and you're going to call it "Ode to Joy?" Why not "Ode to Puppies and Sunshine and Butterflies?" Happy people blow.

The only reasons anybody knows who you are is that they've either seen "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" where you're introduced as "Beeth-Oven," or they've seen Charlie Brown cartoons where Schroeder plays your Moonlight Sonata over and over again until I want to kill myself. Either way, my friend, you're deaf and you're lowbrow.


Middlebrow Answer: Richard Wagner
Wagner's Ring Cycle is the most epic opera ever written. It's basically four operas in a row that take seventeen hours to perform. I can't even sleep for seventeen hours in a row, let alone write an opera of that length. Well played, Richard.

On the other hand, you're an anti-Semitic douche. You wrote essays on why Jews are inferior creatures and Hitler and his Nazi buddies all listened to your work. Asshole. Besides, my feelings concerning The Ring Cycle are identical to my feelings concerning a Porn-star's Penis: Just because it's long doesn't automatically mean I want it in my ears.


Highbrow Answer: Johannes Brahms
You know that piece of music that has become the Lullaby? The one that gets played during Loony Tunes cartoons when Daffy Duck is sleeping and Bugs Bunny is sneaking up on him with a sledgehammer? Brahms wrote that. He wrote the lullaby. What the fuck have you done recently?

It's also widely rumored that Brahms seduced Schumann's wife, Clara. What a legend. He could have gone after any girl in 1860's Vienna and who does he choose? Schumann's wife. That's like being offered a choice between fighting a Whooping Crane or fighting a Velociraptor, and choosing the raptor. Just because you enjoy a challenge.

Best Use for a Potato?

Lowbrow Answer: For Food
They grow in the ground, they're nothing but starch, and they taste like wet chalk. The only way people even eat them is by dumping decidedly horrible shit all over them: butter, sour cream, bacon bits, whatever. Potatoes are like Evangelical Christians: there way too many of them and they're always incredibly bland.

Plus, I like Ireland. Guinness, Cillian Murphy, and The Cranberries are all awesome. So fuck you, potatoes. Your little famine almost deprived the world of Roy Keane.


Middlebrow Answer: For Sex
Including natural implements in your sexual adventures is always a pleasure. And the potato provides a nice balance to the usually-employed strawberries or bananas. Plus it makes dirty talk super easy: "Yeah, baby, suck on my starchy tuber."

Then again, it's a potato. Not exactly the most romantic food in the world. It doesn't drip from fingertips or spread particuarly easily. I guess you could carve it into interesting shapes, but, come on, who wants to fuck their girlfriend with a dildo made out of a potato? A "Potildo," if you will.


Highbrow Answer: For Tools
Let me get this straight. You can plug a clock into a potato and it will work? Properly? That's the coolest shit I've ever heard. Maybe we should scrap all this oil and start growing potatoes. Just imagine it, you could drive your car to work and suck on the exhaust pipe if you needed a snack.

Potatoes contain glycoalkaloids, which are toxic compounds that affect the nervous system. In large doses, the compounds can cause weakness and confusion. So not only can a potato power clocks, it can also fuck up bad guys. Legend.

Best Reality Show on MTV?

Lowbrow Answer: The Hills
I'm not even sure this qualifies as a reality show, as I'm positive there's some fat producer named Larry just off-screen yelling things like, "Can you maybe slap her?" or "Audrina, we can't see enough of your tits in this shot" at the girls during filming. Either way, it has to be the most inane program ever created. Congratulations, California educational system. You've managed to produce a whole generation of twenty-somethings that thinks, talks, and reads at a fourth grade level.

And how are they all so rich? If these are the people in America with all the money, no wonder we're in a recession. Hey, Obama, I've got an idea to fix the economy. Round up anybody who has ever been on this show, feed them to a pack of rabid wolverines, and then disperse their assests to the lower classes. Be sure to cut their hair off first; we wouldn't want all that bleach and dye upsetting the wolverines' digestive systems.


Middlebrow Answer: The Real World
This, the first real reality show on television, hit the airwaves in 1992 and has been on ever since. It started strong. Remember the one in San Francisco with Judd and Puck and Pedro? Remember when Pedro got AIDS and the others had to deal with it? That shit was heavy. I thought AIDS were some kind of chewable vitamins before that.

Since then, the producers of the show have fucked it all up. Damn you, Mary-Ellis Bunim. Your original concept was so good, but you've gone and substituted interesting people with ex-frat and sorority morons and replaced actual dramatic situations with drunken hot tub hookups. You can take your stupid hyphenate name and go right to-hell.


Highbrow Answer: Jackass
They introduce a segment called "Poop in a Cup," and then they poop in a cup. And you watch. And you love it. They don't fuck around with theme or character or story arc; they just do twisted shit and film it. It's genius. Theodor Adorno would be so proud.

It's like how E.E. Cummings didn't bother with capitalization or how Henry Miller ignored traditional paragraph formatting. True artists know not to cloud their message with unnecessary bullshit like plot or punctuation. Just get to the heart of it. We wanted to see somebody poop in a cup and you gave it to us. God bless you, Johnny Knoxville.

Best Mario Kart Racer?

Lowbrow Answer: Yoshi
What the hell IS Yoshi? He looks like a strange mix between a horse and a gecko, but I can't be sure. His driving abilities are fine, but let's face it, he's Mario's bitch. An Italian plumber douchebag rides him around everywhere making him eat things. Sounds like a frat house initiation.

Yoshi's secret weapon is an egg. So let me get this straight. Mario and Luigi can turn invincible, the princess can SHRINK me, and you're throwing eggs? Really? Good luck with that. I'm surprised the Horse-Gecko Christian Right isn't all over your ass for such a blatant disregard of future Yoshis.


Middlebrow Answer: Koopa Troopa
This little guy is agile as fuck and accelerates like he's got nitrous in his go-cart. I can just picture him street racing against Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. He's also a soldier, which means he's making a fair wage and has some advanced training in killing people. Good for him.

The downside is that he's a bald turtle who takes orders from an overweight velociraptor. He's too busy serving the Evil Reptile Army and kidnapping blonde women in pink dresses to really educate himself and make a play toward gaining true highbrow status.


Highbrow Answer: Bowser
It takes a long time to master driving with this beast, but anything that seems impossible at first is probably highbrow. Ever tried to read Heidegger? See my point? Bower's top speed is ridiculous, he can run bitches over, and his victory music sounds like a low-fi collaboration between Rammstein and Daft Punk.

And oh yeah, he's a DRAGON. When was the last time YOU shit out a fireball while driving at 80 mph?

Best Greek God?

Lowbrow Answer: Zues (Jupiter)
This guy's an ass. He's moody, pissy, and easily angered. And with those thunderbolts, he's basically a walking advertisement for Gatorade. Lame.

He also sleeps with all sorts of commoners, which creates weird demi-gods like Hercules and Electra. Come on, Big Z. You're the king. You can't be sleeping with proletariat trash: it thins the bloodline.

Middlebrow Answer: Hephaestus (Vulcan)
He's the blacksmith for all the gods, which is pretty awesome. It's like being the guy who cuts the canvases for Picasso or the chick who fluffs Ron Jeremy. He's also the god of volcanoes, technology, and fire. Rad, I know.

All that being said, he's not as great as he sounds. His parents were Zeus and Hera, which means he was probably a spoiled brat growing up. He also had a club foot and was married to a woman who didn't love him. Aphrodite, you bitch.


Highbrow Answer: Hades (Pluto)
This dude runs the underworld. He is stern and pitiless, deaf to prayer or flattery, and sacrifice to him is of no avail. He's married to Persephone and even other gods are terrified of him. Hmm, I'm thinking of a word. It starts with "B" and rhymes with "fladass."

Still not convinced? His dog, Cerberus, is a three-headed hellhound that guards the gates of the underworld. Your dog, Champ, is an annoying golden retreiver that pees on the carpet whenever company comes over. No contest.

Best Element?

Lowbrow Answer: Helium
The only thing we use this for is to inflate things, and it doesn't even work that well. As soon as you let go of your Spongebob Squarepants birthday balloon, it floats up into the heavens, never to be seen again. Great. Thanks, Helium. Now my 5-year-old son is crying.

Helium is just a cheap knockoff of Hydrogen anyway. They look and behave the same except that Helium is less flammable, and thus, less interesting.


Middlebrow Answer: Mercury
One of only four liquids on the periodic table, Mercury is the most toxic non-radioactive substance on the planet. Cool, right? It's also super dense, which means you can float all kinds of shit in it that doesn't float in anything else. Stuff like rocks or witches.

The downside to Mercury is, of course, that it's the most toxic non-radioactive substance on the planet. Ever seen pictures of Minamata? No? Good. Keep it that way.


Highbrow Answer: Einsteinium
This shit was first discovered in the debris of a1952 hydrogen bomb explosion and may or may not be metallic or silver in color. Nobody knows because it doesn't exist naturally and you can't make too much of it in one place because it becomes hyper-radioactive. Cooooool.

Also, Einstein was the fucking man. Relativity is the coolest shit ever. No? You don't agree? You think my talk of relativity is boring and nerdy? You're an idiot. Relatively speaking.