Buried in Work

Hey Kiddos. Buried in the end of the semester at UCLA.
Back in a bit.
Promise.

Marcel.

Best Storybook Animal?

Lowbrow Answer: Clifford the Big Red Dog
Clifford lives with Emily Elizabeth, but I'm surprised he has lasted as long as he has without being arrested or tagged or shot down by the National Guard. Or drafted into the army and sent to Iraq. If I've learned anything about the US Military, it's that they love to put American flags all over potentially destructive shit and then dump it in The Middle East.

On a side note, where the hell are this girl's parents? She should be in ballet class or etiquette school or whatever it is that little girls do, not chilling with a massive beast that could swallow her in one gulp. And who is cleaning up after Clifford? Is anybody besides me concerned that he's dropping Buick-sized piles of shit all over the city?


Middlebrow Answer: Arthur
Arthur was a hipster before it was cool to be a hipster. Check him out: skinny jeans, red Converse, thick plastic glasses, and an off-color sweater. He looks like he could play bass for Grizzly Bear. Although, to be fair, I hate Grizzly Bear. Buy a pair of pants that fit, you douchebags.

Arthur is an aardvark. Aardvarks are "living fossils," which means they appear to be the same as a species otherwise only known from fossils and have no close living relatives. These species have all survived major extinction events. So. To summarize: Arthur is a hipster loner who was around during the dinosaurs and who is invincible to comet attacks or other forms of extinction. Can you say, "Awesome?"


Highbrow Answer: Babar the Elephant
Babar is an Elephant that travels from Africa to Europe, learns about government and civilization, then comes back and colonizes his own people into a kingdom. Now that is some oppressive, highbrow shit. What a tyrant. Babar is the elephant version of Pol Pot. I bet if you went out behind his royal palace, you'd find mass graves full of ape and lion corpses.

Babar is married to Celeste, who is his cousin. Let me say that again: Babar is married to his cousin. He also rules his kingdom in what is informally referred to as "gentle authoritarianism." Like it or not, authoritarianism and incest are two of the main ingredients for Machiavelli's "The Prince." And I bet you can guess what I think of that book.

Best Autobot?

Lowbrow Answer: Optimus Prime
I hate leaders. And is anybody else really sick of kiss-ass, suck-up action heros? You know, those guys in movies who try to do good for literally no reason. And you ask them why they're good guys and they don't know.

Me: "Optimus, why are you fighting to save the human race?"
Optimus: "Because I must."
Me: "Right, but why must you?"
Optimus: "It is my destiny."
Me: "Says who?"
Optimus: "Says... Ummm... Says everybody."
Me: "You're a giant talking robot who can fly through space. Your technology, culture, and intelligence levels are all way higher than mankind's. Why the hell are you trying to help us?"
Optimus: "Because I must."
Me: "Hey, can I borrow your cannon-arm? I want to shoot you in the balls."


Middlebrow Answer: Inferno
Inferno is a fire truck. Like, a big red fire truck. Awesome. Fire trucks are incredible. They're one of the few things from being 12 years old that's still cool when I'm 26. Also on that list are snap bracelets, REM, the X-Men, and masturbating.

Of course, he's classified as a "search and rescue" bot. Fuck that. Who wants to go around cleaning up everyone else's messes? Your sole purpose is to rescue Bumblebee when that little yellow moron loses a wing or something. I hate bumblebee. They should have traded him to the Decepticons for a third round draft pick and two players to be named later.


Highbrow Answer: Mirage
I love this shit. Every other Autobot is some shitty Japanese car or Ford tow-truck, and Mirage is a Ligier JS11 Indy Car. Mirage is that guy in your high school who is bragging about having a threesome with two slutty gas station attendants while you're busy using a #2 pencil to try and erase the clothing on the models in the Sears newspaper ads. He's just way ahead.

Indy Cars are badass. Fuck this redneck NASCAR shit. Real men drive Indy Cars. There are no roll-cages, you're going almost 70 mph faster, and your head is sticking out in the air as you go. Dudes who drive Indy Cars are the same dudes who own Hyenas as pets, shave their faces with a Colombian machete, and fuck Paris Hilton WITHOUT a condom; they ain't scared of shit.

Best Kind of Masturbation?

Lowbrow Answer: The Porn Wank
Look at you, hunched over your computer like some kind of cave troll. With your pants around your ankles and your door locked and your speakers turned down low so that your roommates don't hear Jenna Jameson crying out for more cock. You filthy bitch. Have some decency, man.

The hazard here is that you end up blasting your Chunky Homestyle Man-Chowder all over the keyboard of your computer. I can just see you at the Apple Store: "Hi, I sprayed some orgasm juice all over my keyboard and I need it fixed. Is there an app for that?"


Middlebrow Answer: The Tantric Wank
In this era of instant gratification, I'm impressed with anybody who can focus on one thing for more than 5 minutes. This is the generation that thinks that commercials are too long. Idiot teenagers expect a break every five minutes so that they can text their friends. If you can sit in one place and wax your dolphin for four hours, more power to you.

Who has the time for this shit though? I don't spend this much effort having sex with an ACTUAL woman. I'd like to think I'm an interesting enough guy that I don't have a free 2-hour window every night to jerk myself off. I'd like to think I'm an interesting enough guy that I can pay somebody else to do that for me.


Highbrow Answer: The Utility Wank
Sex in the first place is lowbrow. If it were up to me, 99% of the global population wouldn't be allowed to reproduce at all. If it were up to me, only the following people would be allowed to make babies, and only with each other:

- Slavoj Zizek
- Michael Frayn
- Phillip Glass
- Bjork
- Jonsi Birgisson
- Richard Dawkins
- Indira Ghandi

If you don't recognize those names, that's because you're prole filth who doesn't get to have babies. As far as wanking is concerned, if you're gonna do it, get in and get out. It's no supposed to be enjoyable; you're just clearing your head. Do you have fun taking the trash out or doing the dishes? No. So why enjoy this.