Best Feature of Facebook?

Lowbrow Answer: The Status Update
Dear Everyone in the World,

I don't care what you are doing in each minute of your life. If I did, I'd call you up every quarter-hour and ask you what you were up to.

I don't care that you're soooooo excited about your new puppy. I hope it gets hit by a car. I don't care that the guy next to you on the subway totally looks like Johnny Depp, LOL. You're ugly and the guy isn't going to hook up with you. I don't care that your wedding was awesome...thanks to everyone who came!! You're wife will starting banging her tennis pro in a few years and you'll be divorced before you're 40.

You're not as important as you think you are. Not one history book will have a blurb on you when you're dead. Nobody cares about the menial events in your day-to-day life. Get over yourself.

Sincerely,
Jeff


Middlebrow Answer: Photos
Yeah, okay, it can be nice to post pictures of cool places you've been. And sure, it helps when you're stalking a girl you just met that you can see pictures of her in a bikini. We've all used facebook pictures to fall desperately in love with somebody before we've even met them. And it can be a fun way to waste ten minutes while you're on break at your trivial, white-collar job.

But that being said, blow me. Nobody wants to see pictures of you doing keg stands with your frat friends. Or you sitting on the beach in Nantucket with the other trust fund babies. And posting shots of yourself in a bathing suit? Could you be any more transparent? "I have low self esteem! Please validate my existence by ogling my body!"


Highbrow Answer: Contact Information
I'm pretty sure that the original intent of facebook was to help people stay connected. It wasn't supposed to become people's entire social life. Having contact information is the only part of the whole website that is actually useful. Of course, in the hands of the inbred yocals who use facebook all the time, I'm sure it's wasted. They'll look up somebody's phone number and, fearing actual human contact, will text the person.

Remember when people used to talk to each other on the phone? Like, when the phonebook was delivered to your doorstep every few months and you actually used it? When you had to talk to your friends' parents before you could talk to your friend. Those are some precious childhood memories: "Hello, Mrs. Humbolt? Can I talk your daughter? Why? Ummm, I like her. Yeah, I like her, like her. No, I can't speak to her?"

Best Street Artist?

Lowbrow Answer: Banksy
I have an idea. I'm going to create cool graffiti drawings and put them all over England. They're going to be anti-capitalist and have edgy messages about questioning democracy and the natural order of society. I'll decry global corporations and big business with visceral imagery.

Then I'll put it all into a book and get it published by Random House. Because that's TOTALLY anti-capitalist.

Fucking hypocrite. Don't spend your whole career preaching that art belongs to the people and then charge $30 for your book. Banksy is that artist that everyone feels cool for knowing about until you realize that EVERYONE else already knows about him. Kill yourself if you own his book. You filthy prole.


Middlebrow Answer: Julian Beever
Julian Beever is a Belgian dude who creates three dimensional sidewalk art. It's incredible. Check out some of his work here. You have to give credit to any artist who is humble enough that he creates his art in an impermanent medium. Beever's work vanishes slowly over the course of a month or so as it's exposed to the elements. Bad. Ass. If only STD's were as temporary.

While Beever's medium is awesome, his subject matter often isn't. Yes, he does renditions of old masters (highbrow), but he also does paintings of Coke bottles (lowbrow). Come on man. Don't water down your highbrow with lowbrow swill. You don't see Beethoven composing songs for Rihanna or Dostoevsky writing ads for Burger King.


Highbrow Answer: Jean-Michel Basquiat
This guy had the common decency to embody the identity of what a true artist should be: a depressed and raving lunatic with no ability to live in the real world and the victim of a young death. (he was 28) THAT is an artist. None of these fakers. I want real crazies making my art. You have any idea how insane Mozart was? Or Beethoven? See what I mean? Cut your own ear off and I'll check out your art. Otherwise, leave me alone.

Basquiat got his start spraypainting in the streets of New York. He signed all his work "SAMO," but then later started painting "SAMO IS DEAD" all over the city when he decided it was time to move on. Imagine that. An artist who doesn't put his actual name on his work, doesn't try to sell it, and then quits when he feels he has no more to give. Hmm, quitting while you're ahead. What a noble pursuit. Sombody should tell Brett Farve about it.

Best Logo for a Champions League Soccer Team?

Lowbrow Answer: FC Sheriff (Moldova)
Let me get this straight. Your club is called "FC Sheriff," so you put a big, gold Sheriff's star in your logo? That's the best you could do? How do you even know what a sheriff is? Isn't the primary language in your country Romanian? Did you name your team from watching old re-runs of Bonanza on the one American station you get?

You have to consider the implications of a team being called Sheriff. Think about every movie you've seen that has a "sheriff" in it. In every single of them, he's lame. He's usually some old, white-haired jackass with a big hat and ugly boots. I'd rather call my team "FC Villain" or "FC Bad Guy Who Shoots Everyone."


Middlebrow Answer: Olympique de Marseille (France)
Yes, the big "M" looks like a McDonald's logo from the future. But the single star is classy. And so is the fact that there aren't any pictures here. I hate it when soccer teams draw little images in their crests. It's like Arsenal with their stupid cannon. Yes, guys, we get it. Your team shares its name with a munitions armament. Clever. Dumbasses.

You have to appreciate the slogan here. "Droit Au But" roughly translates to "Right to goal." That shit is money. This team isn't screwing around. I think more things should have slogans like that:

Burger King - "Right to your arteries."
The Catholic Church - "Right to your wallets."
Ron Jeremy - "Right to my balls."


Highbrow Answer: EB/Streymur (Faroe Islands)
It takes guts to design your club's logo so that it looks like an infinity symbol. Especially if you're a Podunk club from the Faroe Islands whose players probably all have day jobs at the local Starbucks. "Hey Boss, I need the Saturday shift off, we're playing against Real Madrid and I should probably be there."

Look at this logo. There are no numbers, no names, no hokey stars for all the times they've won a championship. Just infinity. Baddass. I think the team should change its name to "The Club Who Shall Not Be Named." That would probably inspire greater terror in its opposition than "AB/Streymur," which sounds like some kind of blood disease.

Best Thing to Take to a Rock Concert?

Lowbrow Answer: A Camera
I have an idea. Let's go to a concert and spend the whole time taking grainy, out-of-focus pictures of the band from 400 yards away. We can also shoot some shitty lo-fi video on your iPhone. Then we can post it all on Facebook and prove to our friends that we were there. Because I'm sure they didn't believe us when we said, "We're going to a concert tonight" and showed them the tickets.

Is everyone at rock shows besides me an idiot? You want pictures of the band, go online. I guarantee you they're better than whatever shitty photos you take. You want video, buy a DVD. You'll see more angles and hear more sound, I promise. What the fuck is the point of going to a concert if you aren't going to focus on enjoying yourself? Taking a camera to a rock show is like hiking Mount Everest and spending the whole trip reading "Into Thin Air." What are you doing?


Middlebrow Answer: An old t-shirt of the band you're seeing
People complain about this one, but it's not as bad as you think. You'd wear a Patriots jersey to a football game, why not rock a t-shirt of the band you're seeing? Plus it's pretty awesome if you have some old stuff. I saw Marilyn Manson last night and one dude rocked a t-shirt from 1992 and it was cool. The dude was lame, but I have to admit that his t-shirt was old school and awesome.

Then again, this is as bad as you think. You bought tickets to the show. Of course you like the band. Do you really have to wear a t-shirt to prove it? That's like writing "I like sex" on your chest in magic marker before you get into bed with your girlfriend. I'm sure Marilyn Manson knows you're a fan when he spits on you from the stage and you rub it all over your face; you don't need to be wearing a t-shirt as extra proof.

Like Marilyn Manson? There's more of him here.


Highbrow Answer: Nothing
Remember when people used to go to concerts to actually see the band? Like, to focus on the music and get a chance to see their favorite musicians live? When they were more concerned with enjoying the show than with proving to their friends that they were there? Yeah, I don't really remember that time either. Must have been before I was born, because every show I've ever been to has been crammed full of idiot teenagers endless snapping camera-phone pictures and updating their twitter accounts after every song. Kill me.

It seems to me that in the last ten years or so, people have become more interested in recording an event than actually experiencing it. You go on vacation to the Grand Canyon and spend the whole time taking pictures of it. You go to a soccer game and spend the whole match updating your status on facebook. Just enjoy it yourself. Be selfish. You paid for the tickets, so watch the game. You're at the Grand Canyon, you dumb motherfucker. It's one of the most amazing places on EARTH. How about you actually SEE IT.

Best Weapon in Mario Kart?

Like Mario Kart? Check out more here.

Lowbrow Answer: Star
You're faster, you're invincible, and you're in technicolor. I guess that's what you get for eating a celestial body. Although, using a star takes no skill whatsoever. You just run into everything and hope it goes well. Kinda like a drunken shark in a school of Salmon or the U.S. Army in The Middle East.

The worst part about stars is the music that comes on when you get one. Listen to it here. It's the kind of song you hear in a cheap Brazilian discotheque in 1984 or in the background of a commercial for a used car dealership. I can just see some dude with a mullet and a plaid jacket trying to sell me a '79 Buick with that music playing over the showroom speakers.


Middlebrow Answer: Banana
We're driving race cars and you're throwing bananas? Are you serious? That's like tossing a pickled ham at The Statue of Liberty and hoping it falls over. Ain't gonna happen. I'm not opposed to using fruit as a weapon, but you can do better than a banana. How about a pineapple? At least that shit has spikes all over it.

I do have to appreciate the simplicity of the banana. Using an everyday household item as a weapon is pretty awesome. They should stick with that theme in the next Mario Kart game. You could throw blenders and bed sheets and vacuum cleaners at each other. Maybe you'd get special bonuses for using unmentionables, like vibrators or condoms. I can just see the Princess tossing a pair of used panties at Donkey Kong. Hot.


Highbrow Answer: Green Shell
Let's say you meet two men. The first tells you that one time, he killed a man with a hunting knife and a .44 Magnum. The second tells you that he killed a man with a stuffed rabbit and a stick of butter. Now. Who are you more impressed with?

Exactly. The second man.

Hitting another driver with a green shell is nearly impossible. Your aim has to be perfect and you need to have some idea about rapid-motion physics. The best part about the shell is that, if you think about it, you're throwing around the dead body of a koopa troopa. Koopa Troopa, by the way, is actually a character in the game. That shit's twisted. Imagine fighting the Revolutionary War by stuffing dead British troops into our cannons. Dark, but highbrow.

Best Casino Game?

Lowbrow Answer: Roulette
How To Play Roulette-
1. Sit down.
2. Place random bets based on blind luck.
3. Wait for man to call out number.
4. Repeat steps 1-3.

Anybody feel like you're playing bingo at a recreation center for senior citizens? Yeah, me too.


Middlebrow Answer: Blackjack
At least there's some math involved in this one. It's also the game at which you have the highest odds of actually beating the house, which is always good. I hate the house. The house is like that mean uncle that everyone has who takes candy from you when you're young and makes you show him your wee-willy-winkie when your parents aren't looking. Creepy bastard.

The problem with blackjack is that it's too rigid. There's this whole set of rules about when you're supposed to hit or stand or double down. And if you break any of those rules, then everybody else at the table gets mad at you. I feel like I'm at work, except the boss is wearing a gold lamay vest and bow-tie instead of a suit. I love card-dealers. They're the only people on the planet besides Catholic bishops who get to wear bright, tacky colors and weird neck garments to work.


Highbrow Answer: Craps
This shit is old school. Dice have been discovered in archaeological sites dating as far back as the third millennium BCE. Suck on that, playing cards. There's something inherently baddass about throwing dice. I don't really know what it is, but it fits in the same category as smoking a roll-up cigarette, wearing a Reservoir Dogs-style suit, kissing somebody in the pouring rain, and walking in slow-motion. Do any one of those four things and I guarantee I'll think you're cool.

Craps is the best because there are odds involved, but it's still random enough that it's fun to try your luck. So you can take advantage of mathematical strategy, but you still have a choice in how you play. Reminds me of trying to convince a police officer not to give you a ticket.

Best Person that I'm in Vegas with right now?

Lowbrow Answer: Summer and Lore
Since we arrived in Vegas, these two have attended a Kings of Leon concert, each eaten three plates worth of buffet food, and won a total of seven dollars in video slots. Low. Brow. They're only a few steps away from hopping onto the Peppermint Rhino slut bus and whisking off to a life of champagne, expensive jewelry, and having sex with men for money. Hussies.

And my god, could they be any more annoying? Summer's sleepy. Lore's hot. Summer's hungry. Lore's afraid of fish. Summer's hungover. Lore can't figure out how to get the dirt off of her feet. Jeez, guys. I feel like I'm taking care of the Muppet Babies.


Middlebrow Answer: Tommy
Even though he looks like a balding idiot, Tommy is actually pretty smart. Kind of like how you'd never expect a hippo to be able to run 60 mph. (They can.) He's here in Vegas to build dinosaur skeletons and hang fossils on the wall. As we speak, he's sorting rib bones from a Titanothere. Money. Tommy's kind of like a male porn-star: he's pretty average looking on the surface, but look beneath and it's more impressive than you'd suspect.

On the other hand, look at him. He's worn the same belt every day for the last eight years, he bought his first suit at the age of 25, and his beard makes him look like a pedophile from Missouri. And he still wears skate shoes. Really, Tommy? You skateboard often? You shred the rails? You buddies with Bob Burnquist? Take off your Etnies and put on some loafers. Jackass.


Highbrow Answer: Makoto, Alex, and Ben
Check these dudes. That's a mammoth they're building. A MAMMOTH. You couldn't even put together your Lego Eiffel Tower and these guys are constructing a prehistoric elephant. No wonder you're sitting at home playing fantasy football while these three work in the Guggenheim Gallery at The Venetian.

All three of these legends spend their lives working with fossils and dinosaur bones, because they know that dealing with living things is a hassle. They dig dinosaurs out of the ground in South Dakota and then refurbish the skeletons and help sell them at high-end auctions. The only auction you've ever seen is when you sold your copy of Mario Kart on Ebay. I rest my case.