Best Biblical Christmas Personality?

Lowbrow Answer: The Three Kings
Guys, it's called FedEx. I appreciate the effort it takes to cross a thousand miles of desert, but you're totally wasting whatever it is that makes camels go. Just throw your frankincense and your myrrh and your "Dora the Explorer" DVD's into a UPS envelope and be done with it. Jesus is just a baby anyway, he's not going to remember you were even there.

I'm not exactly sure why you're bringing Jesus presents in the first place. You're Kings. Don't you have like, important royal business to attend to? Ya know, proclamations to make and illegitimate children to father and peasants to behead? You don't even know this Christ kid. What if he had grown up to be some lacrosse-playing, I-banking, date-raping douche hat? How would history have remembered you THEN?


Middlebrow Answer: The Virgin Mary
You gotta give props to any woman that pops a baby out who becomes the savior of mankind. I can just picture her at Starbucks, showing off in front of the other moms: "How's Jesus? Oh, you know, just out curing the blind and walking on water and rescuing all humanity from sin." I also gotta hand it to any woman that lives through a fuck-session with God himself. I bet the guy screws like a polar bear on PCP. He probably blows a load like an Asian tsunami.

Of course, in reality, Mary is just another one of those lame housewives who measures herself by no other standard than the success of her children. Boooooring. Why don't you go buy yourself a new dress, Mary. Join the bridge club. Take some rowing lessons. You gotta get out from under the heavy shadow off that overachieving brat of yours.


Highbrow Answer: Herod the Great
I'm sure you're really proud of being a marketing consultant or a corporate accountant or whatever bullshit white-collar job you do, but you're a nobody compared to Herod the Great. Did you build the fortresses at Masada, Antonia, and Herodium? How about the entire port city of Caesarea? You have anything to do with the huge edifice at the top of the Cave of the Patriarchs in Hebron? No? You didn't? Oh, that's right, it was Herod the Great. Suck it. Suck it, everyone. (Except for Herod. He doesn't have to suck it.)

"But wait," you may be thinking. "Wasn't Herod the guy who drowned his own brother to consolidate his power? Didn't he murder all of his sons and have his wife killed? Wasn't he an unstable menace who butchered anybody that didn't agree with him?" Why, yes. Yes he was. But who needs a family? Bunch of annoying, greedy free-loaders if you ask me.

Best Christmas Personality?

Lowbrow Answer: Santa Claus
He's disturbingly overweight, he lives in the middle of nowhere in a little house, and he only works one day a year. He's basically the Unabomber with a cholesterol problem. And I'm sorry, but when did it become okay to break into people's houses to give candy and toys to children? He sees me when I'm sleeping? I'm surprised Santa hasn't been on "To Catch a Predator" yet.

Santa is bullshit. Every kid I knew growing up got presents. Even the little shithead rich brats or the Podunk idiots who'd kick my shins in the hallway. Where was your "naughty" list then, you fat prick? What's the point of me studying hard and following all the rules if it means nothing at Christmas? I could have been out throwing snowballs at cars on the highway or lighting frogs on fire - instead, I wasted 3rd grade learning about Earth Science.


Middlebrow Answer: The Elves
Elves can do anything. One day, they're fighting off legions of Uruk-Hai at the battle of Helm's Deep, the next they're hand-crafting dresses for Polly Pocket. What a versatile species. I wonder what would happen if you bred an elf with a human being. Actually, I think that's already happened once. It's called, "Danny Devito."

How is the Department of Labor not all over this? An army of midgets making toys around the clock for no pay and no pension? Can you say, "lawsuit?" I'm surprised Nike hasn't made a deal with Santa for some of his workforce. I bet elves could make soccer cleats way quicker than depressed, undereducated, chain-smoking Chinese children.


Highbrow Answer: Blitzen
Rudolph may get all the credit, but if you ask me which reindeer is probably calling all the shots behind the scenes, I'm saying it's Blitzen. How could it not be? Let's say you're Prancer or Donner. Who are you taking orders from? The dopey runt with the glowing red nose or the chiseled badass who's named after a terrifying form of German warfare? I rest my case.

If Santa's team of reindeer were an ensemble action movie, then Blitzen is totally Brad Pitt in "Oceans 11" or Vinnie Jones in any Guy Richie film or Insectosaurus in "Monsters vs. Aliens." He's the awesome, ruthless hero behind the wimpy, lovelorn hero. Oh, and there's no question that Blitzen is totally porking Vixen. You know they sneak off to Santa's sleigh whenever they can for a little session in the back seat. Hot.

It's NBA Basketball Season Again. I Hope...

Lowbrow Answer: ...The Celtics or Lakers Win the Championship
I'm sorry, gold and purple? Really? Whose dumb idea was that? Because somebody should find that guy and shove a lawnmower up his ass. And look, I understand that you're called the "Lakers" because your franchise started out in Minnesota, but come on. There aren't any lakes in Los Angeles. There aren't any trees or clean air either. Even our rivers are fake. Maybe you should change your name to something more LA, like the "Traffics" or the "Budget Crises" or the "Massive homeless population and failing school system-s."

The only thing worse than a Laker is a Celtic. Fucking Boston. It's the racist, white-bred, Irish-Catholic capital of the Union. With a shitty accent. There's nothing like meeting a cute girl at a bar who leans in close and says, "Yah Fahkin' hawt. Wanna go screw in my cah?" The Celtics have won the NBA Championship a record 17 times, including a stretch of eight in a row. Fuck that. Fuck winners. Fuck the Celtics and the Yankees and the Spanish National Soccer Team and Lance Armstrong. Winners can blow me.


Middlebrow Answer: ...The Heat Win the Championship
Hey, Cleveland. Get over it. Labron James is a professional basketball player, not Mother Theresa. What the fuck did you expect him to do? Stay in Ohio? Are you kidding? He's a multi-millionaire and he's black. He belongs in a rap video, pouring champagne onto naked chicks, not in Cleveland, blowing chalk dust into the air for legions of corn-husking, swing-stating white people.

Look, I hate the Heat as much as anybody, but fuck it - at least they're interesting. Most of the NBA is so boring. I mean, the NFL has their juiced-up, gun-toting concussion jockeys and the NHL has their toothless, Manitoban fist-fighters and Major League Baseball has Manny Ramirez. What the fuck does the NBA have? Steve Nash? Booooooring. Cut your hair, you dirty hippie.


Highbrow Answer: ...All of the Players Die in a Forest Fire.
My god, basketball is useless. It's literally the same thing over and over again. Like, 200 times. Like, kill me. At least in other sports, scoring points actually matters. But not in Hoops. You shoot an amazing three-pointer? Who cares, we're still losing by 27. You block a shot? Big deal, they're going to take 95 more of them before we're done here. Basketball needs to add some element of surprise, like let one of the point guards ride a snowmobile for the second quarter or have an angry wolverine guard the free-throw line. THEN I'd watch.

Basketball players are the worst. They're all eight feet tall and block my view when I go to see "Harry Potter" movies and have sex with all the women in my town. Fuck you and your cool tattoos and your bling and your fancy cars, Carmelo Anthony. You're making me look bad. Forest fires, on the other hand, are fucking awesome. It's like a regular fire, only pissed-off and on speed.

Best Colloquialism?

Lowbrow Answer: "Not Gonna Lie"
Have your friends been spouting this one at you like some kind of record player on angel dust? Yeah, me too. I don't get it. My friends are pretty good people. I'm not hanging out with baby rapists or armless Thai hookers or Lindsey Lohan. I feel pretty confident in assuming that they aren't lying to me when we speak. Except for my friend Phil. That guy is always elbows deep in shady dealings. I swear he's in the KGB.

Where does this bullshit stop? Am I going to have to start prefacing everything I say with a dumb list of stuff I'm not about to do?

- Not gonna molest a donkey, Tina, but that dress looks incredible on you.
- Not gonna stuff a quiche through that little window at the bank, but man is it hot outside.
- Not gonna learn how to write backwards in Finnish, but I totally love Radiohead.


Middlebrow Answer: "That's What She Said"
Okay, Steve Carrel is kind of amazing. And "The Office" is a funny show. Sometimes. When John Krasinski isn't smiling at the camera like a fourth-grader on a sugar high. But this one has got to stop. Suddenly every idiot thinks he can spout punchlines like Dan Akroyd. (Funny, edgy Saturday Night Live Dan Akroyd, not dumpy, embarrassing Yogi Bear Dan Akroyd.) If you weren't funny before you memorized this phrase, you REALLY aren't funny afterward.

The worst part about this one is that most people are morons and don't know how to use it properly. It's like watching a beagle trying to fly a 747:

Me: So then she told me to stick my penis into her vagina.
Idiotface: That's what she said!
Me: ...I know. I just told you she did.

Me: Do you have the numbers for the R15 report yet?
Dumbass McGee: That's what she said!
Me: I'm going to stab you with a curling iron.


Highbrow Answer: "Heretofore"
Pop quiz, asshole. Define "heretofore." Can't do it? Didn't think so. No wonder you got stuck at Eastern Michigan University getting a degree in "General Studies." Idiot. Heretofore basically means "up to the present time." Try using it in a sentence. It'll drive the babes in the Critical Theory section of the library wild:

"Heretofore, Zizek's writing had seemed petulant and Philistine." Philistine."
"Philip Hearsey's sculpture work has created heretofore unimaginable visual commentaries on global vicissitude."

(If you don't know who Zizek or Hearsey are, my interest in you as a person has heretofore been grossly misguided.)

Best Hippopotamus?

Highbrow Answer: This one with the Baby
Oh my god that is the cutest fucking thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Look at that. Just look at it. Goddamn miracle of nature. Makes me want to vomit on a puppy or choke an infant with a rainbow it's so freaking adorable.

That is some committed parenting. I don't see you in the pool at the YMCA, following your kid around underwater to make sure he's doing the breast stroke properly. Although, after that messy incident with the beard trimmer and the underage lifeguard, I can see why they don't let you in the pool at the YMCA anymore.


Highbrow Answer: This one yelling at you
Hippos are awesome because they seem slow and docile until they're pissed off - then they chase you down at 60mph and break you in half. Having trouble picturing it? Just imagine running from an angry Volkswagan Jetta with 7-inch teeth.

Hippos are so terrifying that even hardcore predators like lions and tigers and velociraptors avoid them. They usually announce their presence with by trumpeting loudly from their throats. I wish I could do that everywhere I went: "GOOD MORNING EVERYONE, I HAVE ARRIVED AT THE LIBRARY. I'LL BE IN NON-FICTION." Then people would know not to fuck with me.


Highbrow Answer: This one Leaping through the Air
Are you seeing this shit? It's a fucking Hippo Torpedo. Be honest, have you ever seen anything more awesome in your whole life? I didn't think so. Imagine getting a few of these high on PCP and then loading them into a cannon and launching them into Afghanistan. The war would be over in matter of days.

Does anyone else think that "Hippo Torpedo" is a great name for an indie album? I can see the Arcade Fire or Vampire Weekend or one of those other really popular but annoyingly off-key bands releasing it. Maybe the Flaming Lips should do it and Wayne Coyne can spend the next 8 months touring the country in a rubber hippopotamus suit. Crazy bastard.

Best Use of Duct Tape?

Lowbrow Answer: On a Duct
Really? You couldn't think of anything more creative to do with this than use it for its intended purpose? Don't you know anything about art? The key is to take an object with a specific function and employ it in some other way. Like using a lobster as a phone (Dalí), a urinal as a sculpture (Duchamp), or your penis as a periscope (me and my brother in the tub when we were five). Now THAT'S art.

What the hell is a duct anyway? I've never seen one in my life. My underlings tell me it's something that gets used in ventilation or plumbing or one of those other blue collar arenas that I never deal with. Why would I? That's why God invented Mexicans and people from Buffalo.


Middlebrow Answer: On an Open Would
Band-Aids are for pussies. And what's this racist shit with all of them being peach-colored? Fuck that. White people never need Band-Aids anyway; they're too chickenshit to ever do anything dangerous in the first place. It's tough to hurt yourself when you spend all your time on golf courses or at PTO meetings.

What's better than a Band-Aid? Duct tape. Cut yourself shaving? Duct tape. Get stabbed by a scimitar while on duty in Persia with the Roman Legion? Duct tape. Blow a hole in your chest trying to make a pipe bomb out of a bowling pin? Duct tape. It's tough, it's sticky, and you'll look badass with a big silver bandage. It hurts like a bitch when you rip it off, but you can quit your whining and suck it up.


Highbrow Answer: On a Duck
Stupid ducks pooping all over my dock and putting yeast infections into my lake. You're overweight rats with feathers and wings. Quit walking around on my beach, waking me up in the morning with your incessant quacking. What the hell do you have to talk about? You're a duck. You wake up, eat, poop, eat, poop, and go back to bed. Shut the hell up. It's not like you've got interesting news to share about the Dow Jones.

And I'm sorry, but migration? Really? Just buy a heater, for Christ's sake. If I flew 2,000 miles south every time I got cold, I'd never get anything done. Even if you did decide to go someplace tropical, why the hell would you ever come back? That's like somebody deciding to return to New Jersey after spending 10 years living on a yacht in Polynesia. Just makes no sense.

My New Favorite Band is...

Lowbrow Answer: Mumford & Sons
Where they hell did these douchebags come from? All of a sudden, every girl I've ever met is selling her ovaries to get a ticket to a Mumford & Sons concert. I don't get it. They sound like a roofing company or a real estate firm. If you're going to pander to upper-middle class girls with semi-coherent, vaguely poetic ramblings about love, at least have the common courtesy to call yourself "Coldplay" or "John Mayer."

Every girl tells me how dreamy it is that Mumford & Sons used to be homeless and play on the streets of London or wherever. I'm sorry, but women don't like poor dudes. They like diamonds and Audi's and guys who pick up the tab at The Geisha House. I know you like to think that Mumford & Sons are some motley band of starving artists, but they're not. They're on Island Records, for Christ's sake. They probably use hundred-dollar bills to blow coke off Megan Fox's chest.


Middlebrow Answer: Florence and the Machine
Okay, so she's pretty hip. And her voice is sometimes great. And "Dog Days Are Over" is a fucking good song. But I already spent all my energy liking this band back when they were called Metric /La Roux / The Gossip / Goldfrapp / The Yeah Yeah Yeahs / Silversun Pickups. Does the planet really need another tone-deaf anorexic girl mincing around stage in platform shoes? Hey honey, see that thing you're doing where you're not quite hitting any of the notes? That's called going flat.

I don't really get this whole heroin chic look that Kate Moss made famous. You know, that thing where you wear a lycra unitard from the 1980's and you overuse dark blue eye makeup and you wear stilettos that are 15 inches too high and your legs look like fleshy toothpicks and you vomit up every packet of Splenda that you allow yourself to eat and your boyfriend looks like he was kicked out of The Strokes for being too cool. Can somebody explain it to me? Mischa Barton, I'm looking at you.


Highbrow Answer: The London Philharmonic Orchestra
You ever notice how pop music is totally inane and stupid? Yeah, me too. Here's an idea. Don't listen to it. You want well-crafted, profound art? Bach is your boy. Or Mozart. Or Liszt. Or ANY OTHER European classical composer. (Except for Wagner. Antisemitic prick.) As much as I appreciate Katy Perry's futile attempts at harmony, I think I'll stick to Beethoven's fifth. You may have heard of it. It's the one with the 57 separate instrumental lines and 15 sections of syncopated rhythms. Oh, but yeah, "California Gurls" is great too.

It's hard to argue with 40 different instruments all playing the same song. Look, I like Lady Gaga as much as the next guy, but her music really suffers from a distinct lack of contrabassoon. I think that earthy tone could really add some depth to songs like "Pokerface" or "That one where she's dressed like a French sex toy in the video." Mankind has taken the time to invent the English Horn - why not use it? (I will hunt you down and kill you in your sleep if you ever say anything bad about the English Horn. Goddamn miracle of nature.)