Best Environmental Disaster?

Lowbrow Answer: Oil Spill
Yeah, I get it. Oil spills fuck up our environment. Boo hoo. I'm sorry, but I'm not impressed by something whose worst casualties are endangered pelicans. I like baby seals and clown fish as much as the next guy, but come on. Where are the thousands of dead bodies? Where are the hundreds of flattened houses? Oil spills are the boring Jane Austen novels in the literature of environmental disasters.

Why are we still drilling for oil anyway? We have wireless internet and touch-screen computers and those little plastic things that help you peel oranges; can't we invent some better way to make energy? Maybe we could create some sort of circular device that could harness the power of the air. Like a mill, but for wind. Like, a "wind-mill." I dunno, maybe I'm just talking crazy.


Middlebrow Answer: Mercury Leak
So imagine you're building a big industrial factory and it's time to install the toxic waste drainage. And the two options are to either (A) pipe the toxic waste to a off-site facility or (B) dump it straight into the ocean. Which do you pick?

If you chose A, you're intelligent! Pat yourself on the back.
If you chose B, you're Japan! Stab yourself with a samurai sword.

From 1932 to 1968, the Chisso Corporation of Minimata, Japan, dumped lethal mercury into the town's harbor. As a result, thousands of people suffered mercury poisoning, which fucks with your neurological function and eventually kills you. Nice work, Japan. I guess I shouldn't be surprised - this is the country where you can buy used panties from vending machines and whose two biggest exports are dolphin-slaughtering and Hello Kitty.


Highbrow Answer: Gas Explosion
You can't see it or hear it, and by the time you smell it, your skin is melting off and you're spitting up your gall bladder. Fun, huh? The worst gas explosion in history was the Bhopal Catastrophe of 1984, when 40 tons of methyl isocyanate (aka, cyanide) leaked out of the Union Carbide plant and wafted into the city. It killed 4,000 people instantly and injured another 500,000. Gives new meaning to the term, "silent but deadly" eh?

What makes Bhopal truly highbrow is the fact that it happened in one of the poorest parts of India. Nothing like inflicting more damage on people who are already living well below the poverty line. It's like punching a Dalmatian at a rescue shelter. Heartless. But highbrow cares not for your trivial human emotions or your adorable spotted dogs.

Best Form of Marriage?

Lowbrow Answer: Polygamy
There are two kinds of men who actually believe in polygamy: Mormons and douchebags. And I'm not really a fan of either. The Mormons think they should have 80 wives because Jesus told them it was a good idea (crazy...) and the douchebags think they should have 80 wives because their raw sexuality it just too potent to be contained in only one vagina (douchey...). Either way, I think most of these men deserve a bazooka circumcision.

Polygamy is too easy. It robs you of all the depression and despair that comes with having one partner your whole life. Who wants that? All of the greatest art was created in the throws of depression or despair. If you have 80 different pairs of boobs to play with, how are you expected to create anything highbrow or intellectual?


Middlebrow Answer: Monogamy
On one hand, a monogamous relationship can be an amazing, fulfilling union. You form an unbreakable bond with your lover. You know their thoughts before they do. You go everywhere together, do everything together, you experience life as one unit.

On the other hand, booooooooring. People are lame, selfish, annoying creatures. Why would you want to live with one on a permanent basis? Or marry one? Or have kids with one?! Ugh. Stab me in the heart with a rotting pickle before that happens. (Mmmmm...pickles)


Highbrow Answer: Polyandry
Polyandry is when one woman has several husbands. Hot. Shit. Polyandry was made famous by this little group of Greeks - you may have heard of them - they're called THE SPARTANS. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mess the Spartans. They'll send 300 of their best soldiers to your front door to kill all of your battle elephants and war rhinos.

Polyandry is great because it completely eliminates the male ego. Fuck the male ego. It's the reason we have nuclear war, rape, genocide, and the Transformer movies. Just imagine if women ran the world. Everything would be cleaner, we'd have fresh brownies every morning, and we wouldn't be spending all our money on our military when our schools are falling apart.

Best Square to be in During a Game of Four-Square?

Lowbrow Answer: One
Look at you. You proletariat swine. You're nothing more than a whipping boy for the higher squares. Cannon fodder for the ruling classes. You step in, your hopes alight with the dream of moving up in the world, only to be bitch-slapped by the 3-square with a gnarly double-tap spike moments later. Get the fuck back in line; you don't belong here.

If this were a game of chess, you'd be a pawn. If this were the army, you'd be the infantry. If this were sex, you'd be the hand-holding at dinner before we got home. And who wants to be any of that shit? Nobody. Except maybe those weird kids you knew in high school who liked to play with swords and light woodland creatures on fire. They probably wanted to be that shit. They probably grew up and became that shit.


Middlebrow Answer: Four
The best part about being the Four Square is that you get to make the rules up as you go along. You're truly an elementary school dictator. Want everybody to sing Yanni songs while they play? Done! Want all the girls to take their shirts off and jump up and down around the edge of your square? Done! Want to enslave all the kids with red-hair until you've created a master-race of tan-skinned blondes and brunettes ? Done! Being in charge is fun! Wheeeee!

It does kinda blow to have everyone and their mother trying to kill you. It's like being a KKK Klansman walking through downtown Compton; you're going to have enemies wherever you turn. One minute, square number three is your best friend. The next, he's trying to ram a red rubber ball so far up your ass that your grandkids will need dental work. I can't live like that. I need to be able to sleep at night.


Highbrow Answer: Three
For every Wizard, there's the man behind the curtain. Hitler had Goering. Mario had Luigi. William Wallace had that crazy Irish guy in the dress who talked to God. Sure, being in charge is great. But being right behind the guy in charge is truly highbrow. You get to secretly pull all the strings without any of the public pressure. It's like being the "they" from "that's what they say."

Let's also not forget that three is rad all by itself. It's a prime number, a Lucas number, and a Fibonacci number. Chew on that, four and five. It's also the subject of the best "Schoolhouse Rock" song ever written. Don't even try to disagree with me on that - I'll fight you. "Conjunction Junction" and "I'm Just A Bill" can suck my balls.

Wait for it...

Ladies and Gentlemen,

NOT OUR CLASS DEAR will resume daily postings starting next MONDAY, June 14th. So get excited, you prole filth.

-jeff

ps. If you don't know who this man is, stop reading my blog. Dumbass.

Best Character from The Matrix?

Lowbrow Answer: Apoc
Let me get this straight. You get to choose any name you want for your Matrix persona, and you went with "Apoc?" What the fuck is an Apoc? It sounds like some kind of anal fissure or musical instrument from the 1490's or a North Korean social media website. Why didn't you go with something awesome like "Xanthar, Destroyer of Worlds" or "Sir Bone-a-lot" or "Lorenzo Lamas." Idiot.

Also, remind me again what you did in this movie, exactly. If my memory serves me, you showed up at a telephone and then fell over dead. Man. Tough character work, huh? How did you prepare for the role? Spend hours and hours waiting by a payphone and then fainting when it rang? What a wuss.


Middlebrow Answer: Cypher
There's something inherently awesome about being a traitor. Just look at Benedict Arnold. I bet you can't name me a single military leader from the American Revolution (George Washington doesn't count, smartass) but you know his name. Why is being a traitor awesome? Because fuck being a team player. All the other kids on your team suck.

Of course, this idiot couldn't be more inept if he tried. All you have to do is unplug everyone, jackass. Just pull the wire out from the back of their head. But no. You have to talk to Trinity and explain your whole plan like some kind of moronic Bond villain. And hey, instead of just shooting at Tank and assuming he's dead, why not, say, cut his head off? Or throw his body into a furnace? Or MAKE SURE HE'S DEAD. Christ.


Highbrow Answer: Mouse
Have you ever noticed how awesome little squirrelly dudes are? Think about it. The best characters in movies are always the timid, neurotic geniuses. Like Rat from "The Core" or Rockhound from "Armageddon" or Funshine Bear from "The Care Bears Movie." Mouse is no different. Neo saved the world? Who cares. Mouse created that chick in the red dress. Yum.

And how about his death scene? You have to respect anybody who, when faced with certain death, pulls out two grenade launchers and thinks: "Fuck it." I wish more people would make that choice. Just imagine if after they nailed Jesus to the cross, he had pulled out two flame-throwers and melted 150 Romans in a fiery blaze of glory. Then maybe I'd be into Catholicism.

Best Reason to Hate Somebody?

Lowbrow Answer: Because of their Race
Are you kidding me with this? What are you, five? Being racist hasn't been cool since the 1950's, and even then it was fucking lame. Grow up. Minorities are great. Without them, we wouldn't have this little thing called ALL OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION. Sorry to break it to you, but mankind started in Africa and then spread to Asia. So just remember, the next time you lay your racist white head down to sleep, that some ancient ancestor of yours was probably a black man from China named Muhammad Abbas.

The worst part about racists is how afraid they are to admit it. They'll scream the "N" word at the top of their lungs until there are actual black people around. Then they're quiet as can be. Cowards. If you're going to be racist, at least have the stones to take off your stupid white hood and wander around in a Nazi SS uniform, waving the Confederate flag, and carrying your lynchin' rope. At least then you won't be a racist prick and a pussy.


Middlebrow: Because of their Religion
I'm usually pretty anti-religion, but I'm not going to hate somebody just because they talk to an invisible man that they believe lives in the sky. That's more funny than it is threatening. I mean, how can you hate a Buddhist? They just sit there and agree with anything you say. Or a Unitarian Universalist? Those guys are amazing. I told them I wanted to worship Radiohead as my new God and they had their organist play "Ideoteque" after last week's sermon. Genius.

On the other hand, some religions are just plain stupid. The Mormons think black people aren't going to Heaven. The Scientologists think God is coming to rescue them in a spaceship. Evangelicals think Jesus rode a Tyrannosaur through the streets of Jerusalem. I have no tolerance for that type of idiocy. You can hate those people all you want.


Highbrow Answer: Because They're Breathing
Have you ever noticed that everyone you know is an idiot? Yeah, me too. Even if they're smart about one thing, they're a moron about something else. Like Nobel scientists who are religious, or brilliant musicians who name their kids after tropical fruits. Just save yourself the trouble and buy a shotgun. Sit on your porch, and if anyone comes by, blow their brains out. Whoever it was, they deserved it, I promise.

People blow. We start wars, we rape the planet, we slaughter animals, and we produce shows like "Jersey Shore" and "The Bachelor." No wonder God hates us. Screw just kicking us out of Eden, I would have burned the whole garden down.

Best Volcanic Eruption?

Lowbrow Answer: Mt. Eyjafjallajokull, Iceland - 2010
What is this shit? No piles of dead animals, no rivers of molten rock, no clouds of super-heated poisonous gas melting people alive. In other words: no fun. I'm going to start printing novelty t-shirts and selling them in Iceland: "My volcano exploded and all I got were delays at Heathrow Airport."

Speaking of which, All I've heard this week arenews reports about European airport delays. Boo. Fucking. Hoo. Quit your whining. Thirty years ago we didn't even have commercial airlines. Oh, how horrible. You're stuck in beautiful southern Italy. You can't get back to your worthless job as an I-banker and have to spend an extra five days on the beach in Sardinia. Poor you. Ass Monkey.


Middlebrow Answer: Mt. Vesuvius, Italy - 79 AD
In one of the most famous eruptions of all time time, Mt. Vesuvius explodes and wipes the Roman towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum completely off the map. Ten feet of ash falls onto Italian soil. The heat is so intense that many of the victims are found with the tops of their heads missing—their brains having boiled and exploded. That's right, exploding heads. The ten-year-old inside me just popped a boner.

Although, am I really impressed by something that just kills a bunch of Italians. If that were the case, I'd be in love with the 1943 Allied Invasion of Sicily. (Hiyo! World War II joke! What UP?!) Vesuvius is certainly cool, but come on. These aren't Russians we're talking about. They're Italians. I could kill 50 of them right now just by snipping the break-lines on a few Vespas.


Highbrow Answer: Mt. Tambora, Indonesia - 1816
On April 10th, Mt. Tambora is 13,000 feet tall. Five days later, on April 15th, the mountain has spewed 93 cubic miles of ash and debris into the air and is now just 9,000 feet tall. Talk about a crash diet. It's like bulimia on steroids. The eruption kills 92,000 people, and another 100,000 from starvation and lung-problems in the following six months.

"Oh my god," you might be thinking. "All those people dead. That's so terrible." I wouldn't worry about it. Most of them were morons anyway. Especially the ones that thought, "Let's live at the base of an active volcano. The view here is great."

What's really amazing is the effect this blast had on the planet: 1816 became known as the “year without a summer” because of the volcanic ash in the atmosphere that lowered worldwide temperatures. It snowed in New England that June, and crop failures were common throughout Northern Europe and North America.

So. To conclude with a little math: (Mass Destruction + High Death Toll) x (Worldwide Devastation + Random Act of Nature) = [Proof that life is meaningless] = High/Brow