Best Founding Father?

Lowbrow Answer: George Washington
"Father, I Cannot Tell a Lie?" Boooooring. Nobody likes a suck up. Your father should have spanked you for being such a kiss-ass, George. And hey, why don't you get down off the front of that boat and actually help row across the Delaware instead of standing there like an idiot.

And you're on the dollar bill? Big deal. The only people who even use dollar bills anymore are students, who roll them up and snort Ritalin through them so that they can stay up late writing papers about YOU. Bastard.


Middlebrow Answer: Benedict Arnold
Benedict probably would have been a founding father if he hadn't switched sides halfway through. And while choosing him does reach the same level of irony as say, thinking that Matthew Barney is the best living artist today, Arnold was, at the end of the day, sort of a douche.

One of the best generals in the war and possessing a love of literature, he's like one of those kids who writes poetry but is also a state-champion wrestler. And those kids are cool, but, not THAT cool.



Highbrow Answer: Ethan Allen
Most people don't even really know who this guy is. If you're one of those people, I'll make it simple for you. He was a LUNATIC. An AWESOME lunatic. He lead a bunch of hicks from the backwoods of Vermont to take Fort Ticonderoga at the start of the war. Then he was captured by the British, spent some time in jail eating nails to scare his guards (that's actually true), and came home again.

And during all the fighting and craziness, he had time to write propaganda pamphlets about the freedom of men and the necessary independence of Americans that cited Locke and Hobbes, among others. Say it with me now: Bad. Ass.